Got Goats?

Now, I know no one really gives a crap about what other people dream, but I’ve had this one twice now and I just have to share ’cause it’s so fucking weird.

I dreamed that Chuckweasel and I raised goats.

Not like farm goats, like mountain goats.  And they lived in the backyard on this big ol’ pile of concrete that I guess was supposed to be their “mountain.”  And every morning, I would go out back and yell, “Hey, you goats!  Come get breakfast!”  And they would all come trip-trapping down the concrete mountain for goat chow.

One of the goats also could stand on his head (when I told Chuckweasel about this, he said, “Oh, so they’re trick goats?”  And I replied, “No, he’s the only one… and he taught it to himself.”)  But sometimes he would topple over and fall, and I was always worrying he’d get hurt.  One time he fell forward onto his belly and his little goat balls got all swollen and I had to take him to the vet to be checked out (he was fine, he just had to have an ice pack).  And then I woke up.

So there you have it — goats, fake mountains, and swollen goat testicles.  Analyze this!

Grammar Notes

Just some random crap from the ol’ C.T….

1.  The answer to any question can be changed from “yes” to “no” or vice-versa by replacing the word “should” with “will.”  For example:  Should I eat my weight in king crab legs until I am actually physically sick just to make sure the Seafood Buffet doesn’t screw me on the all-you-can-eat deal?  No.  Will  I eat my weight in king crab legs until I am actually physically sick just to make sure the Seafood Buffet doesn’t screw me on the all-you-can-eat deal?  Oh HELL yes. 

It also works the other way:  Should I be responsible and pay my bills before I spend all my money on whiskey and Pez?  Yes.  Will  I be responsible and pay my bills before I spend all my money on whiskey and Pez?  Shut up and grab that other crate of Pez.

2.  I may be wrong, but in my quest to pick up profanity in other languages, I often come across racial slurs, and I think Arnold Schwarzenegger’s name may be 2 of them mooshed together.  Consider, “schwartze” is a dirty dirty word for black people in German/Yiddish…  and we all know what word the last part of his name sounds like.  So, Arnold, if you wanna be President, change your name to WhiteTrash McHonkeycracker.  It zings!

(and yes, I know Ah-nold shouldn’t be able to be President because he was born in Austria… but you don’t marry creepy-ass-looking big-teeth-having Maria Shriver unless you’re hoping to ride the Kennedy train to POTUSville.  Just sayin’.)

3.  The end is officially near.  I just saw a commercial for that ProActiv zit cream you buy off a cart in the mall and the girl who used it to get rid of her zits was named — no shit — “Allegra.”  Maybe it’s not pimples, maybe you’re… I dunno… ALLERGIC to something?

It’s Not the Drugs

I discovered during my recent bout of Death-Flu that not ONLY have the meth-heads ruined being sick by making them take the good shit out of cold medicine, the drug company bassurds have ALSO taken the alcohol out of cough syrup!  What the HELL, man?  The only good thing about being sick is the traditional Nyquil Julep, and now we can’t even have that!

But the fact that I’m not as messed-up on meds as I used to be proves that the weird shit I have discovered while taking it easy on the couch is NOT the drugs talking…

1.  The men on the “my-dick-don’t-work” pill commercials are NOT ATTRACTIVE.  You know their wives were all like “Yes!  Free at last!” and then he came home with the Viagra.

2.  The wilder the hairdo on a person, the more I believe their crackpot theories.  The little Greek dude on “Ancient Aliens” has hair that CANNOT LIE.

3.  I wanna be a rollergirl, but I wanna be allowed to punch a bitch, and apparently they’ve got rules or something.  The only rule should be that other people aren’t allowed to punch ME.

4.  Brendan Fraser is good looking… but also weird looking.  I can’t decide.

5.  Allegedly, an alligator can bite through your en-tire leg in one chomp, but you can hold his mouth SHUT with your hands.  This has GOT to be bullshit, but I ain’t gonna test it.

AND BONUS:  I know the amygdala is a part of the brain, but the word sounds like a private part, so I cannot have an adult conversation about it.  I’m twelve.

Are We There Yet?

This week feels like she’s just a-draggin’, y’all, and my brain is full of snot and nonsense… so here’s some of it.

1.  Emergen-C may in fact be the only reason I’m still alive right now with all the sickly fuckers around work — that stuff makes you feel like you could arm wrestle Jesus!

2.  I’m becoming disappointed in My Strange Addiction… it seems to be turning more and more into “People Who Just Need a Smack.”  I mean, the girl who’s in her fucking twenties and still sucks her thumb IN PUBLIC no less?  Fucking STOP that, nuff said!

3.  On the Chuckweasel’s Firing Front– proof that karma exists!  First one of the fuckers responsible was out sick for A WEEK with some kind of death-flu… then their computers got all fucked up (even worse than mine, if you can imagine!)… and now the sickly one has caught somebody trying to break into his car!  Damn, y’all!  They GOT to stop telling me this shit when I’m wearing my tight bra, I could bust a rib!

4.  Callie Jean’s new favorite game is “Laundry Pile Foxholes.”  Basically, she hunkers down behind one pile waiting to be washed, then suddenly leaps up and lands behind another one, all the while making the crazy ears-laid-back face and lashing her tail.  Then she grabs a toy or a wad of paper and drags it in with her as a “hostage” — that cat ain’t right.

5.  On a related note — no matter how much you love your pet… it is extremely disconcerting when they roll around ecstatically in a pile of your unwashed underwear.

That should do for now — Chuckweasel and I are going out to the Red Lobster for a belated Valentine’s Day dinner tonight (it has to be tonight since tomorrow we start working at the bar!), so when next we meet, I’ll be chock full of fried fish and mojitos.  Also those cheddar biscuits, ’cause Chuckweasel, being the world’s most perfect man, DOES NOT LIKE THEM –so I get them all.

Flushing the Cranial Toilet

(As opposed to a chemical toilet, my brain is a CRANIAL toilet — still stinky and filled with evil, but I can’t pay anyone to clean the second one!).  So I’m just clearing out some recent randomness…

1.  Dear Sweet Mama is a GENIUS!  Actual conversation:

HH:  That new Burger King burger with the cheese chunks in it is the most heinous and disgusting thing I ever saw.

DSM:  It looks like somebody fried a puke.

2.  If you leave your can of Planter’s Winter Spice Mixed Combo sitting in the floor… Chuckweasel will kick you in the nuts.

3.  The “Let’s Jump Over Mommy” game is hours of family fun for Calpurnia Jean and Chuckweasel… but not so much for “Mommy.”

4.  Chuckweasel will not drink the POM brand pomegranate juice because he says pomegranates are poisonous and that’s what killed Eve.  Chuckweasel has never read the Bible.  Or the Food Pyramid.

5.  Most of the hoarders in the TV shows became hoarders because they got all sad when their mama died or their husband left.  The one from Wes’ BYGAWD Virginny became a hoarder because she got all sad when her meth-addicted boyfriend died… WHEN SHE SHOT HIM.  I love it here.

6.  Chuckweasel does not know how to swim or shoot a gun.  He may be zombie-meat.

7.  He did get addicted to “The Walking Dead” when I was only halfway through the first episode of the Great Weekend Season 1 Marathon… so there’s hope.

8.  My grandmother used to make fried chicken and pack it up in wax paper in a shoebox to take in the car on long trips.  The Food Channel just told me African American people used to not be allowed in roadside diners, so they took along their own food in the car… usually A SHOEBOX FULL OF FRIED CHICKEN PACKED IN WAX PAPER.  My grandmother may have some ‘splainin’ to do.

9.  It was REAL good chicken, though.

10.  Those strapping young used-to-be-Amish-but-aren’t-anymore boys need to come over here and let Mama buy them a Playstation.

AND BONUS:  Awwwwwww, FUCK!  The National Geographic Channel told me last night that I may have done X in college and I never even knew it!  Some cute lil’ bar chick handed me a vial one time and said “Hey, smell this!” and I  did ’cause I THOUGHT IT WAS PERFUME.  God, I’m old and I always HAVE been!