Tag Archives: Evil Dead

I Still Rule You

HAPPY NEW YEAR,  MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!

Another day, another argument with “George” —

Hoody Hoo:  I’m actually kinda pissed the ‘Pocolypse didn’t happen… now I can’t use all my skills.

“George”:  Oh, like what?  Like you’re gonna be Mad Max or something?  Like all those fuckin’ Goth kids who think the End of The World is gonna be your ticket to the big time.

HH:  Fuck you, do not!  I don’t wanna be Mad Max, anyway, I wanna be Norman Arminger.

G:  But what I’m saying is, you won’t.  All you people think you’re gonna be in charge, you’re gonna be dead in a ditch.

HH:  Will NOT!

G:  Will TOO.  Once the whole End of the World thing happens, there’s gonna be motherfuckers MUCH crazier than you —

HH:  Not THAT much crazier —

G:  Point being, there’s no way you’re gonna be the boss.  To be the boss, you’d have to be all like Humongous and like eat a baby or something, and you won’t do that.

HH:  Might.  Might eat a baby.

G:  Won’t.

HH:  Fine, then I’m not saving your ass.  You were on the ass-saving list, but you’re not anymore.

G:  I don’t want to be in a group anyway.  Not until it gets big.  Small groups get you killed.

HH:  But where’s the tipping point?  You have to be in a small group before it becomes a large group…

G:  I only wanna be in a small group if it’s way outta the way.  Or a large group that’s right on the main throughfare, but too big to fuck with.

HH:  But before that you’d be by yourself.  You haven’t got the skills to live in the woods all by yourself for like months.

G:  I have skills.

HH:  Not those skills.  Like, you need your small group to have a hunter, a nurse… you ain’t got all those skills.

G:  I have a lot of skills.

HH:  You’re gonna die in the woods.

G:  You’re gonna die in a ditch.

 

 

 

 

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Filed under "George", At the Movies, C'est Vrai You Suck, Getchore LEARN on!, I Rule You, The Royal Court, Weep for Humanity

Veni, Vedi… Just Me?

Trapped on the couch, watching crap TV while DSM and the Concubine carry my head cold germs to the rest of the family, I have discovered something potentially disturbing about myself, dear Hooligans.

I have never seen a Saw movie… ’cause that shit seems logical to me.

The series is all about, “I locked your dumb ass up and fed the key to this motherfucker right here and you have to cut him open to get free,” right? That type of shit?  See, I’m fine with that.

I was just watching the true crapfest that is American Horror House (horribly acted, horribly scripted, but nice sfx and good that Morgan Fairchild got some work) and it occurred to me that I would never end up like Stupid Girl Trapped On The Third Floor With Stupid Boy.  Y’see, they only had 10 feet of rope, so they were all, “Oh, noes, we can’t get down with that!” But I happen to know that human intestines are MUCH longer than 10 feet… in fact, you could probably double those suckers up and rappel like a Green Beret!

Plus, Stupid Girl had only just met Stupid Boy, so he’s nothing to her.  Well, nothing but a Meat Ladder (patent pending).  It might be harder if you actually KNEW Stupid Boy, but I doubt it… he is, after all, STUPID.  And my sense of self-preservation is finely-honed, y’all — if ANYBODY’S takin’ this bitch out of the game, it’s gonna be me… and I ain’t nowhere NEAR done yet!

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Filed under At the Movies, I Rule You, SCIENCE!, WTF???

Still Kickin’… JOISEY Style!

Well, shit, no ‘Pocolypse, no zombies, no reason for this machete.  Wait, there’s ALWAYS a reason for a machete… such as tomorrow’s planned excursion to visit with the Concubine’s Insane Yankee Family.

Apparently this trip has been quote-unquote- “planned” for some time, but at T-minus 24 hours before takeoff, no one seems to know exactly what that plan IS.  I feel safe in saying we’re SUPPOSED to be going into The City to meet up with some family to eat something, and we may possibly be going up to Connecticut to see Stepbrother Luke.

BUT… and there’s always a but (unlike my own family, where there’s always a butt, and it’s usually either me or Dear Sweet Mama).  No one seems to know what/where/when/IF this City-Eating is actually going to take place, which makes Hoody ultra-agitato — we all know I like to have my meals planned in advance!  Although this is not a major problem, because even if The Fam can’t figure out what/where/when to eat, there sure as byGAWD ain’t no “if” in the Jedi Way of Hoody:  I’ll be over at the falafel cart if y’all need me, there is no try.

BUT ALSO… no one has heard from Stepbrother Luke as to whether or not he is amenable to this happy holiday visit.  Now, y’all know when it comes to folks just “dropping in” — Hoody don’t play dat.  But Luke makes me look downright hospitable, y’all… and we may be descending upon him without his permission.

I hope his fucking Christmas present gets here today… either that or my Kevlar.

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Filed under Adventures with Dear Sweet Mama, La Vida Loca, On the Road Again

Don’t Know Whatcha Got…

‘Til it’s gone, ya know.  And since my poor car is currently on the list of things that are gone (damn transmission!), I thought I’d offer y’all a little gem I made up for The Book of Face ages ago (reworked slightly, of course!).  I present:

THINGS I WILL MISS WHEN THE WORLD GOES TO HELL

INNA BUCKET

  1. Central Heat may in fact be the thing I miss absolutely the most.  I freakin’ HATE to be cold and a fire just don’t cut it.
  2. Liquor/wine/beer I don’t have to make for myself.  Check out my high school chemistry grades if you think me trying my hand at moonshinin’ won’t end in blood.
  3. This one got tooken from me already (thanks, pancreas!): The freedom to eat whatever I want, whenever I want.  Still, I figure I’ll look back at chicken and rice FONDLY when all there is to eat is looter-meat.
  4. Being able to go places . Walking sucks and horses can be assholes, so it’s really not worth it.
  5. Water I don’t have to boil or filter… wait, I live in Wes’BYGAWD Virginny, I don’t have that NOW.  How about, water I don’t have to CARRY?
  6. Hate to say it, but I will miss the hell outta TV.  Oh, idiot box, we hardly knew ye.
  7. Books, especially new books.  Stephen King ain’t gonna be cranking out the next bestseller when the crops need a-sowin’.
  8. The ease of communication.  Even with Kevin Costner delivering the mail, he still can’t beat the phone and the interwebz.
  9. STORES!  Much as I hate to shop, if I need a new outfit, I go out and buy it.  If Laura Ingalls wanted a new outfit, she freakin’ MADE IT.  Suffice it to say, when the End Times come I’ll be wearing a potato sack.
  10. Meat I don’t have to catch, raise or kill.
  11. Antibiotics — sometimes you really gotta hand it to the White Man’s Medicine.
  12. Strangely enough, the government.  It was nice having someone to blame.
  13. The ability to be SURPRISED by the weather (“well, hot damn, it’s snowin’!”).  An agrarian society won’t have that luxury.
  14. Speaking of luxuries, how about safety, security and just general fuckin’ around time… say bye-bye to all that!
  15. Toilet paper, and while I’m at it, Kotex… and while I’m at THAT, Monistat.
  16. PAPER… FUCKING… TOWELS.  You think it’s funny, but you know how pissed off you get when you’re out?  Now imagine that’s FOREVER.
  17. Music I don’t have to make myself.  All I play is clarinet, and that badly.
  18. Vitamin tablets.  Gonna get the scurvy.

And because I couldn’t leave y’all without some serious deep thoughts to ponder all weekend..

19.  The way it feels to live your life NOT having ever had to kill someone.

20.  The ineffable luxury of being able to feel pity.

So that’s it — time to get one of those Australian dogs and attach knives to our hubcaps.  THUNDERDOME!!!!!!!!!!!

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Filed under At the Movies, GENIUS!, Getchore LEARN on!, I Rule You, La Vida Loca, Only in Wes' BYGAWD Virginny, Weep for Humanity, White Man's Medicine

BRAAAAAAAAINS…

Well, I am now prepared for my eventual zombification… I am currently at work functioning on ONE HOUR of sleep.

Yeah, insomnia sucks… but it sucks a fuckload more when your alarm goes off at 3am.  I honestly feel like I’ve been on a three-day drunk — and not the good part, where you’re still really drunk and having a good ol’ time, but the baaaaaad part where you’re still fucked up but you’re starting to get sober BUT YOU’RE STILL TOO FUCKED UP TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.  Yeah, if the three day drunk is Friday through Monday, I’m about a Tuesday.  Tuesday BLOOOOOOWS.

So if I can get through this morning without saying a swear on live radio, it’s all good.  Or falling asleep on my keyboard, which is also a possibility.  Gonna stop typing now, my key-recognition is atrocious today and I’ve already written a script that said someone “tuned” himself in to face charges.  HEP!

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Filed under I'm Confused, La Vida Loca, Random Thoughts, Reality Bites

Bunch o’ Crap

There’s a few topics kickin’ around in the ol’ noggin this morning, so let’s dive on in, shall we?

1.  I had my first visit with the physical therapist yesterday, and I thought all she did was wangle my joints around and tell me I’m a mutant… but I must have blacked out and forgotten the part where she took me out in the parking lot and ran me over with her car!  My shit HURTS, yo!  Hopefully it will get better with time.

2.  You know you’ve found “the one,” when you call up your significant other to ask if it’s a good idea to write “OogHiq MikhTaag” on your feet before physical therapy, and before you even translate it, he says “Do not write in Klingon on your feet.”

3.  Another point in Chuckweasel’s favor — he found my “Apocolist” (shopping list for Zombie Apocolypse survival supplies) and didn’t even bat an eye… even though it includes things like “Barter Items” and has obviously had WAAAAAY too much thought put into it. 

4.  I’ve spent the past few days frantically switching Callie Jean’s food around, trying to figure out why she keeps barfing… only to discover it wasn’t the food at all.  Seems one of her cat toys (presumably designed for cats, no?) has this silvery ribbony stuff on it… and, instead of playing with it, Mommy’s Lil’ Rhodes Scholar has been EATING IT.  And whucking it up.  I should sue the makers of that cat toy.  But then I’d have to admit my cat is… special.

That’s it for now!

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Filed under Calpurnia Jean, GENIUS!, La Vida Loca, Random Thoughts, Twu Wuuv

Wanted: Lots and Lots of Pity

Waaaaah!  Lesson learned at the bar this weekend:  If you want your poor wee feet (shut up) to survive the 80’s party… you should probably have spent more than $9.00 on your tacky-ass shoes.  But who can resist bright blue snakeskin?

So now I have a big ol’ rubbed-raw place on my right heel, and because I am a horrible hypochondriac excellent medic, I have doused it with Triple Antibiotic ointment and swathed it in gauze and medical tape… and it spent the weekend wrapped up in an Ace bandage to cushion it.  And Chuckweasel is on The List because he has not shown proper sympathy for wounds I received FOR HIS BENEFIT and he’ll be sorry when my poor footie falls plumb off. 

Also, he once again tried to get me murdered by making me go out to the car and get his iPhone even though we had just had a zombie-hobo sighting in the parking lot (Chuckweasel said hobo, I said zombie — it was SHUFFLING, yo! — so we agreed on zombie-hobo and drove around the block until it left).

Other than the wounding and the attempted murder, the weekend was great, the bar was very busy, and I may have to add more titles to my Goddess-hood.  I need one for Comforting Crying Women and one for She Who Is Beloved of the Gays.  Although I’m beginning to think they may think I’m a drag queen… it’s happened before.

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Filed under He's the DJ I'm the Rapper, La Vida Loca, Reality Bites