It has come to my attention that most of the stories I tell y’all are usually either “An Adventure with Dear Sweet Mama!” or just the usual “Guess what inappropriate shit Hoody did THIS time!” But as y’all know, there is yet ANOTHER member of the current Hoo Household… Dear Sweet Mama’s Concubine (The Concubine, for short). And today, TC takes center stage…
Friday morning, I’m sitting on the edge of my bed, taking what felt like all the pills in all of Christendom (for those of you keeping score at home, it’s currently 12 in the morning, 8 at night, plus the additional pills I take throughout the day when Clothilde and her sisters get uppity (yes, I did name my 5 or so blood clots/clogs/whatever the hell they are, and no, it did not make them behave any better) But there may be good news on that front, keep y’all posted!).
So anyway, that’s when I hear DSM in the kitchen making a noise that can only be described as “pitchin’ a fit.” Like, the English language simply doesn’t have the appropriate sounds/letters to adequately write down the noise, but it’s pretty obvious it’s not a happy noise, ya know? Yeah, y’all know.
Being the dutiful daughter that I am (shut up), I go into the kitchen and I ask DSM, “Were you just in here pitchin’ a fit?” And that’s when she tells me:
THE CONCUBINE ALMOST DRANK A SCORPION.
Now, I’m fairly sure we don’t actually get scorpions in HMJNJ *, but I’m still understandably taken aback by this news. That’s when TC says no, it wasn’t a scorpion, it was — and I quote — “JUST an earwig.”
And DSM says nope, not no way, not no how, because she says she saw claws and it was waving a pointy tail around (this examination having taken place after the Concubine FELT IT IN HER MOUTH AND SPIT IT – and the mouthful of Co-Cola she’d been INTENDING to drink – into the sink, but before DSM insisted that the monstrous creature be washed down the drain to (hopefully) drown and die **).
So… Today I learned that what DSM & I thought an earwig was… was absolutely NOT what it actually is. See, growing up in the South, it gets real hot and humid. Which sometimes results in you getting weevils in your flour or your Bisquick or what-not. Dry goods, mainly (which is, yes, why even Southerners who have moved to cooler climes tend to keep their opened cereals and spaghettis and such in the fridge). But here’s the thing:
And while they are indeed super gross to find in your Cream O’ Wheat, they’re A) Usually much smaller than that, more like little black dots (the larvae, in case you didn’t want to ever eat again), and B) while gross to have in your mouth accidentally, still fairly innocuous. Not a burn-your-house-down, enter-witness-protection sort of bug scenario, just throw out that rice, you’ll be fine.
BUT… THEY’RE NOT EARWIGS.
HO. LEE. SHIT., y’all. That motherfucker right there, with the claws and the stinger-lookin’ tail, and all… I can’t be havin’ with that. As DSM said, fuckin’ thing looked like the critter they put in Chekov’s ear in “Wrath of Khan!”
OH, HELP ME, LORD. The Concubine had THAT in her mouth, however briefly? Yeah, that’s a HAAAAYULL NAH. Although I must say she handled it much better than DSM and I did…
DSM and I were standing in the middle of the kitchen, hugging each other and swaying while low-key wailing until TC was like, “What is wrong with you two? I’m the one that almost ate it!” Which only made us wail louder.
Now, TC maintains the evil thing must have been in the straw she took out of the dish drainer (yeah, we use the reusable metal straws, we’re green and shit), while DSM says it was far too large to have been in the straw and therefore must have been on top of the actual can of Co-Cola and fallen in when it was opened. My own personal theory is that it was somehow already IN the can, in which case we should sue the ass off somebody.
All I know is, this shit never happened back when we were still using plastic straws THAT YOU COULD AT LEAST SOMEWHAT SEE THROUGH. Plus, this is yet another reason I don’t drink directly from cans.
This and Hanta virus, of course.
Love y’all, check yo’ straws,
But wait, we got footnotes again, Hooligans!
Footnote the First (*): While I am MOSTLY sure HMJNJ doesn’t have a scorpion problem, NO ONE ON TEH INTERWEBZH WILL DEFINITIVELY TELL ME WHETHER WE DO OR NOT. Not Fish and Wildlife (and I know a guy who’s a frickin’ Ranger (or at least was studying to be one, I have been known to derail careers in federal service). Sub-footnote, he was pretty fine years ago, wonder how he’s doin’? Yes, I am legitimately awful), not Pest Removal Companies, no one. UN-SETT-LING.
Footnote the Second (**): Them girls washed the devil bug down the drain “in the hopes it would drown.” Hm. Okay. How do I say this??? Oh, yeah. ARE WE SURE IT CAN’T SWIM? “Cause I’ll tell you what, those weird blind cave crickets (aka “shrimpets” because they had terrifyingly long antenna) we used to get in WBGV sure as hell could swim, as could every single silverfish-type thing I’ve ever personally encountered. Which just leads to you flushing one down the tub drain and then it SWIMMING BACK UP AT YOU WHILE YOU’RE NEKKID. And it’s PISSED now.
If y’all need me, I’ll prolly be on the porch wearing nothing but a towel and screaming.