It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s better!
IT’S AN ADVENTURE WITH DEAR SWEET MAMA!!!
SCENE: A Local Restaurant Where We Are Usually the Only Customers. You Will Soon See Why This Is a Good Thing.
PLAYERS: Hoody Hoo and Dear Sweet Mama (With A Special Cameo by A Waitress)
(Hoody Hoo and Dear Sweet Mama are having lunch. A strange “thwup-thwup-thwup” sound begins to resound throughout the dining area)
Hoody Hoo: What the fuck is that?
Dear Sweet Mama: I think it’s the heater.
HH: Jesus, I feel like I’m in Vietnam in here.
DSM: What?… Oh, like in “MASH?”
(Note to readers: “MASH” was set in Korea. DSM’s Daddy (my Dear Sweet Gramps) was IN Korea, so you’d think she’d know that…)
HH: No, like in “Goodnight, Saigon.” You know, (singing) “They heard the hum of our motors, they counted the rotors…”
DSM: Oh, The Concubine saw that on Broadway.
HH: …. OHMYGAWD. No, “Goodnight, Saigon.” Not “MISS Saigon,” you dumbass.
Break while Hoody leans over out of her chair and puts her hands on the floor while laughing uncontrollably, all the while sputtering “I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH you,” even though DSM isn’t laughing… but A Waitress certainly is as she passes by and pronounces that we are “so much fun.”
DSM: Well, doesn’t it sound like it should be in it?
HH: “Goodnight, Saigon.” Billy Joel. You know, Billy Joel?
DSM: Oh, I don’t like Billy Joel.
HH: You used to play his records all the time when I was little!
(Note again: Yes, when Hoody was little, she and DSM listened to their music on records. Unless we were in the car, in which case it was on 8-track.)
DSM: I did? I don’t think I did. If I did, it was only because it was on my dance aerobics music.
HH: “Allentown?” “Allentown” was on your dance aerobics music??? (singing again) “And we’re living here in Allentown, and they’re closing all the factories down…”
DSM: Oh, yeah, I like that.
HH: “Tell Her About It?” “We Didn’t Start the Fire?” “In the River of the Night?”
DSM: Those are some of my favorite songs!
HH: THOSE ARE BILLY JOEL SONGS. “Piano Man?”
DSM: No, I don’t like that one, I get morose.
(Note yet again: This is just one of many songs that makes Hoody and DSM morose. See also “Downeaster Alexa”” and “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.”)
(‘Nother note: “Downeaster Alexa!” BILLY. FUCKIN’. JOEL.)
HH: Okay, but I think we can safely say you like Billy Joel. Maybe you didn’t know who he was.
HH: I think you may have thought he was Bruce Springsteen.
DSM: Maybe. But don’t say I don’t like Bruce Springsteen, we’re in New Jersey!
HH: How can you not like Billy Joel, though? He was married to Christie Brinkley!
DSM: Not anymore, though.
HH: No, not anymore.
DSM: She probably figured out he wasn’t Bruce Springsteen.