Grammar Notes

Just some random crap from the ol’ C.T….

1.  The answer to any question can be changed from “yes” to “no” or vice-versa by replacing the word “should” with “will.”  For example:  Should I eat my weight in king crab legs until I am actually physically sick just to make sure the Seafood Buffet doesn’t screw me on the all-you-can-eat deal?  No.  Will  I eat my weight in king crab legs until I am actually physically sick just to make sure the Seafood Buffet doesn’t screw me on the all-you-can-eat deal?  Oh HELL yes. 

It also works the other way:  Should I be responsible and pay my bills before I spend all my money on whiskey and Pez?  Yes.  Will  I be responsible and pay my bills before I spend all my money on whiskey and Pez?  Shut up and grab that other crate of Pez.

2.  I may be wrong, but in my quest to pick up profanity in other languages, I often come across racial slurs, and I think Arnold Schwarzenegger’s name may be 2 of them mooshed together.  Consider, “schwartze” is a dirty dirty word for black people in German/Yiddish…  and we all know what word the last part of his name sounds like.  So, Arnold, if you wanna be President, change your name to WhiteTrash McHonkeycracker.  It zings!

(and yes, I know Ah-nold shouldn’t be able to be President because he was born in Austria… but you don’t marry creepy-ass-looking big-teeth-having Maria Shriver unless you’re hoping to ride the Kennedy train to POTUSville.  Just sayin’.)

3.  The end is officially near.  I just saw a commercial for that ProActiv zit cream you buy off a cart in the mall and the girl who used it to get rid of her zits was named — no shit — “Allegra.”  Maybe it’s not pimples, maybe you’re… I dunno… ALLERGIC to something?

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22 Comments

Filed under GENIUS!, Random Thoughts, SCIENCE!, The Cranial Toilet, Weep for Humanity, WTF???

22 responses to “Grammar Notes

  1. I’m hoarding vodka and Cornnuts, myself.
    Crap, I originally typo’d that as “horing”, which of course I read as “whoring” and now I’m wondering what that Freudian slip should mean. Or worse, will mean.
    (I think that about Arnie’s name all the time. It makes me giggle madly and look for more hoardables.)

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  2. I’ll share my Pez with you if you’ll share your Cornnuts with me… I love those tooth-breakin’ sumbitches! Maybe not enough to actually whore for them, but close.

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  3. Dang, I’d vote for WhiteTrash McHonkeycracker in 2012! Isn’t the world gonna end then anyway?

    And at least Allegra will feel useful and famous during hay fever season. If her parents really wanted her to feel special, they should have called her “Vicodin”.

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    • Yeah, I figure whoever wins in 2012 doesn’t really have to plan on doing anything… we’ll all be dead before the Inauguration! And I think Vicodin is a boy’s name.

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  4. Allegra – ha! – reminds me of when people were naming their newborns “Atari.”

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    • and the weird thing is, “Atari” means “spark of the flame” in Japanese (that’s what you learn from being WAAAAAY too into video games) so all those kids are basically named “Sparky.”

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  5. I’m hoarding Budlight and Quesadillas. We all have our vices. I like how you put it into perspective, though. I’m going to have to start using those forms of questions to make a point from now on. And personally, I LOVE Arnie’s new name. I think it could really be catchy. And it’s rather “American” if you will. Maybe you can be his Chief of Staff?
    Ava

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  6. I’ve noticed the should/will thing many times with respect to my own behavior. It’s nice to know it’s a grammar rule and not a character flaw.

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  7. I should make a witty comment here. I will say something lame.

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  8. Allegra is actually a very pretty girl’s name (Italian I think?). I wanted to name a daughter that but Big Pharma got there first. Fuck ’em. They also ruined Haldol and Xanax for my sons.

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    • this was a skinny little white girl with blonde hair and all (bitch) , so I figure her ass is named after pills. I’ll ask her brother Benadryl and make sure.

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  9. KatieBee

    You mean to tell me there’s someone out there named “Atari”?!?! That’s fucking AWESOME.

    And Maria Shriver looks like Skeletor. Just sayin’.

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  10. DearSweetMama

    I think Viagra would be a good name.

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  11. Chuckweasel

    Hey babe!! Just wanted to be the first to tell you Congrats on your 101st post!!! Looking forward to 101 more. And then that’s it right? You’ll get back to brushing your teeth and hair again and start looking pretty for the Weez? Seriously, cut it off at 202 posts. I needy my Hoody back. Lololol. I might ALLOW you 203 if you shoot me a few Pez out of Rosie O’Donnell’s fat neck. Don’t act like you don’t have that one in your Pez collection. Remember it came in that set I got you last Christmas titled “Britches and Hose”? It also included Hillary Clinton, Kelly Osbourne, and for some odd reason Bill O’Reilly. Anyway….

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    • I don’t put Pez in the Rosie O’Donnell one anymore ’cause no matter how many Pez you put in, there’s never any Pez when you go to get one. Same with the Oprah one. I just use the skinny Olson twin one… it’s always just spittin’ out the Pez (too soon?).
      And I’ll brush my hair and teeth and maybe even SHAVE MY LEGS when YOUR ass hits 100 posts… or maybe just 10! ; )~

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  12. McHonkycracker! Dunno if you know this, but now that German (pronounced Cherman over here in Austria) people are nonviolent, the city of Graz-Arnold’s home town-renamed their stadium from Arnold Mchonkycracker stadium to something else because he refused to pardon a guy on death row in California.

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  13. I bet that really steamed his schnitzel!

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