Flushing the Cranial Toilet

(As opposed to a chemical toilet, my brain is a CRANIAL toilet — still stinky and filled with evil, but I can’t pay anyone to clean the second one!).  So I’m just clearing out some recent randomness…

1.  Dear Sweet Mama is a GENIUS!  Actual conversation:

HH:  That new Burger King burger with the cheese chunks in it is the most heinous and disgusting thing I ever saw.

DSM:  It looks like somebody fried a puke.

2.  If you leave your can of Planter’s Winter Spice Mixed Combo sitting in the floor… Chuckweasel will kick you in the nuts.

3.  The “Let’s Jump Over Mommy” game is hours of family fun for Calpurnia Jean and Chuckweasel… but not so much for “Mommy.”

4.  Chuckweasel will not drink the POM brand pomegranate juice because he says pomegranates are poisonous and that’s what killed Eve.  Chuckweasel has never read the Bible.  Or the Food Pyramid.

5.  Most of the hoarders in the TV shows became hoarders because they got all sad when their mama died or their husband left.  The one from Wes’ BYGAWD Virginny became a hoarder because she got all sad when her meth-addicted boyfriend died… WHEN SHE SHOT HIM.  I love it here.

6.  Chuckweasel does not know how to swim or shoot a gun.  He may be zombie-meat.

7.  He did get addicted to “The Walking Dead” when I was only halfway through the first episode of the Great Weekend Season 1 Marathon… so there’s hope.

8.  My grandmother used to make fried chicken and pack it up in wax paper in a shoebox to take in the car on long trips.  The Food Channel just told me African American people used to not be allowed in roadside diners, so they took along their own food in the car… usually A SHOEBOX FULL OF FRIED CHICKEN PACKED IN WAX PAPER.  My grandmother may have some ‘splainin’ to do.

9.  It was REAL good chicken, though.

10.  Those strapping young used-to-be-Amish-but-aren’t-anymore boys need to come over here and let Mama buy them a Playstation.

AND BONUS:  Awwwwwww, FUCK!  The National Geographic Channel told me last night that I may have done X in college and I never even knew it!  Some cute lil’ bar chick handed me a vial one time and said “Hey, smell this!” and I  did ’cause I THOUGHT IT WAS PERFUME.  God, I’m old and I always HAVE been!



Filed under Adventures with Dear Sweet Mama, Calpurnia Jean, GENIUS!, Random Thoughts, The Cranial Toilet

15 responses to “Flushing the Cranial Toilet

  1. Chuckweasel

    1. I agree with DSM
    2. You’re goddamn right I will.
    3. Hours of enjoyment you can’t get from TV or AIDS.
    4. I read the “In the beginning part” but then thought to myself “I don’t have that kinda time” and quit reading.
    5. Don’t forget. Most of the Hoarders are just Fat and Lazy but we already had a Rosie O’Donnell show so they came up with a new name.
    6. That is correct but I do know how to run faster than you.
    7. What tipped you off to me being addicted to the show? Was it when I said “hey, I know I’m gonna catch shit for this but could you turn that up a little?”. Gosh I’m transparent.
    8. My grandma used to make fried chicken and pack ME in the shoebox. Who needs therapy now??
    9. Awww. Hells yeah!!!!
    10. Them Amish boys ain’t getting near here. See comment 2. Lol.
    BONUS::: I always thought you smelled real nice.


  2. It’s 8:57 a.m. and now I want fried chicken. Think I’ll get a discount if I bring my own shoebox? I’ll have to go to the chicken place in the grocery store because I don’t have any wax paper…


    • that’s what you call multitasking — getting your chicken and your wax paper AT THE SAME TIME! Now, if they only sold chicken in the shoe store so you could buy new shoes, then fill the box with chicken…


  3. Dear Sweet Mama

    When I was at church Sunday (why is it when I say that I hear people laughing and falling on the floor?) I offered buy one get one free coupons for that nasty samich that I had gotten in the mail. Finally put them in the recycling bin. Even known broke ass people did not want them. Maybe I should tell Burger King. But that King guy seriously spooks me.


    • that commercial where the King is peeping in the window while the guy is sleeping gives me bad nightmares, I don’t think you should call his creepy attention to yourself. Surely Burger King already knows the sammich is nasty, since it just now came out and they’re ALREADY trying to get rid of ’em 2 at a time! Hey, Burger King? Poor people eat PIG’S FEET and even they don’t want that sammich! NOT EVEN FOR FREE! Your food is worse than STARVING!


  4. Ok, I have not seen the new BK burgers with cheese chunk/barf in them, but when I do I will remember this post. Thanks for that.

    For all the partying I did years ago, X wasn’t a big deal – way back then. There just wasn’t any around, but there was plenty of other stuff. Much of which I probably did. Yet still I wonder why my memory is like swiss cheese.


    • I’m just upset ’cause I always thought I was such a square — my dad was the 5-0 (you know, the po-po, the fuzz, the heat), so I never got to hang with the cool kids who thought I was a narc. Now it turns out I WAS cool (at least once) and didn’t know it to enjoy it! Dammit!


  5. Chris Cochran

    Yes not shooting + not swimming= Zombie food.


  6. Oh, did you watch that thingy about those Amish people leaving their Amish familes too? Them boyz was kinda hot.


    • I know, right? If you watched the one on MTV that I watched, the girl on there was kind of a bitch, but I can sort of understand why; the older guy with the still-Amish girlfriend was kinda cute; but the one who hung out at the bar all the time was surprisingly hunky! And just think — they don’t know much about the “English” world, so we could tell them ANYTHING….


      • I think the girl whined about it and really had NO problems compared to those guys that left. WAAA WAAA so her daddy tried to talk about the Bible when she visited. Deal with it instead of walking off all pissed. Drama Queen much? The family was happy to see her unlike those other dudes.


        • Yeah, I didn’t really get what her problem was — my own dad occasionally tries to talk to me about the Bible and he’s only a Lutheran! That’s what dads do! They worry about your eternal soul and whether your car is running right.


  7. Pingback: Can’t Make It Up | hoodyhoo

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