(As opposed to a chemical toilet, my brain is a CRANIAL toilet — still stinky and filled with evil, but I can’t pay anyone to clean the second one!). So I’m just clearing out some recent randomness…
1. Dear Sweet Mama is a GENIUS! Actual conversation:
HH: That new Burger King burger with the cheese chunks in it is the most heinous and disgusting thing I ever saw.
DSM: It looks like somebody fried a puke.
2. If you leave your can of Planter’s Winter Spice Mixed Combo sitting in the floor… Chuckweasel will kick you in the nuts.
3. The “Let’s Jump Over Mommy” game is hours of family fun for Calpurnia Jean and Chuckweasel… but not so much for “Mommy.”
4. Chuckweasel will not drink the POM brand pomegranate juice because he says pomegranates are poisonous and that’s what killed Eve. Chuckweasel has never read the Bible. Or the Food Pyramid.
5. Most of the hoarders in the TV shows became hoarders because they got all sad when their mama died or their husband left. The one from Wes’ BYGAWD Virginny became a hoarder because she got all sad when her meth-addicted boyfriend died… WHEN SHE SHOT HIM. I love it here.
6. Chuckweasel does not know how to swim or shoot a gun. He may be zombie-meat.
7. He did get addicted to “The Walking Dead” when I was only halfway through the first episode of the Great Weekend Season 1 Marathon… so there’s hope.
8. My grandmother used to make fried chicken and pack it up in wax paper in a shoebox to take in the car on long trips. The Food Channel just told me African American people used to not be allowed in roadside diners, so they took along their own food in the car… usually A SHOEBOX FULL OF FRIED CHICKEN PACKED IN WAX PAPER. My grandmother may have some ‘splainin’ to do.
9. It was REAL good chicken, though.
10. Those strapping young used-to-be-Amish-but-aren’t-anymore boys need to come over here and let Mama buy them a Playstation.
AND BONUS: Awwwwwww, FUCK! The National Geographic Channel told me last night that I may have done X in college and I never even knew it! Some cute lil’ bar chick handed me a vial one time and said “Hey, smell this!” and I did ’cause I THOUGHT IT WAS PERFUME. God, I’m old and I always HAVE been!