Two Trailer Park Girls Go ‘Round the Outside

Yes, Hooligans, it’s time for yet another installment of everyone’s favorite program…

ADVENTURES WITH DEAR SWEET MAMA

Scene:  Two Southern girls (Hoody and DSM) are at a random NJ diner.  DSM has ordered sausage gravy and biscuits, and The Waitress has just delivered the food.

Hoody:  Is that..?

DSM:  I don’t know…

Both girls lean toward the plate, cocking their heads like the RCA dog and making squinky eyes.

The Waitress:  Is everything okay?

DSM:  Is this sausage gravy and biscuits?

TW:  Yes.

HH:  Oh, ’cause it looks like creamed chip beef.  Which we will also eat.

The Waitress departs.  HH pokes a tentative fork into one of the lumps on DSM’s plate and conducts a cautious taste test.

HH:  It’s kielbasa.

DSM:  Kielbasa?  Well, it IS a sausage…

This incident led to a discussion of the “Don’t Fuck with Our Food” theory of dealing with Hoody and DSM.  In essence, we want what we want in the way we are used to getting it, and woe betide he who gets creative about it.  However…

Skip to:  Hoody and DSM are in the car with a bag of McDonald’s

HH:  Oh, crap, mine’s sausage.

DSM:  Mine’s sausage, too… AND bacon.

HH:  Yeah, mine too.

Sounds of ravening wolves consuming what turned out to be Bacon Egg and Cheese AND SAUSAGE biscuits – which isn’t even a thing McDonald’s makes.

DSM:  That was really good, though.

HH:  Yeah, except I think I’m sweating pork fat…

<Pause>

HH:  You think we should get another one?

And after that we went to the movies and saw Oblivion, which is epic and awesome and further proves that crazy translates directly into hot (Seriously, Tom Cruise?  SO crazy, but dayum).  And we ate nachos and cheese and hot buttery popcorn and now we are sick.  And greasy.

Drunk School Digest

So, confession time:  Two Christmases ago (12/25/11), Hoody went to her Bad-Ass Cousin’s house (you know, the 0ne who always got you in trouble as a kid – that one) and got, as Hoody does tend to get, fairly fucked up.  Hoody then attempted to drive home and suddenly saw blue lights.  Now, in the words of the poets, “I ain’t tryin’ to see no highway chase wit’ Jake,” so Hoody pulled over and got her drunk ass a DUI.

Yes, she’s sorry.  

And on the plus side, she’s now in a “treatment program” (the quotes will make sense later) and can therefore present to you:

DRUNK SCHOOL DIGEST

Week 1, Day1

Got invited to sit at “the cool kids’” table by lunchtime – helps to be hotter than a smacked ass.  Today we learned how to steal things from the supermarket.  We also learned that men are bad and are the root of all violence and evil – from a MALE counselor.

Week 1, Day 2

This shit really, really drags.  I did see one girl’s boob this morning when she flopped (yes, I do mean “flopped”) it out in front of everyone, so there’s that.

Week 1, Day 3

I seem to be the only person here who’s JUST a drunk.  Everyone else is a “booze-and-” – like, heroin, coke, etc.  I feel like the slow kid in class.

Week 1, Day 4

Ditched.  No sleep, couldn’t face it.  Turns out there was a huge fight between one of the counselors and some of the “students” – I missed it!

Week 1, Day 5

Really starting to get a complex about NOT being a drug addict.  Everyone was sharing their “freak-out” stories and my drunk ass got nothin’.  Also, I may be the only person here with teeth.

Stay tuned, it can only get weirder!

 

Money for Nothin’

And if you’re not singing the Dire Straits song right now, I don’t know if we can still be friends… although that song uses the word “faggot” and I try not to use hurtful words like “faggot”… you motherfuckers…

So if you’ve been keeping up with the rest of the class, you’ll remember that Hoody is currently a wicked drain on your tax dollars unemployed.  But I can’t find me no job, and here’s why — everything I wanna be just won’t work.  Let’s examine our choices, shall we?

1.  Pirate

DUH, of course I wanna be a pirate, of the Captain Jack Sparrow variety, not the Somali kind (which is good, ’cause I’m not Somalian).  On the plus side — I have my own swords and I have no problem with holding knives in my teeth.  Also, I like rum and hush puppies, which according to this placemat I got from a seafood restaurant is all pirates eat.  I even know all the words to the Jimmy Buffett song about being a pirate.  But you know there’s gotta be some…

CONS

A.  As previously mentioned, not Somalian, which is really the only type of pirate you hear about nowadays.

B.  Startup costs appear to be pretty fucking high.  Apparently I would need a pirate ship, some poofy pants, and at least 2 or 3 “scurvy dogs” to act as crew, and that’s the bare minimum.  And I can’t get an estimate on a ship because the Chris-Craft guy had my number blocked, the scurvy dog.  I know where you live, Eugene.

2.  Dian Fossey for Squirrels

Dear Sweet Mama;s neighborhood has A LOT of squirrels, so I figured this one would be a cinch.  I started out by naming all the squirrels:  Too Fat, Gretzky (who knocks the other squirrels over), Tebow (who is most often the victim of the knocking over), Lucky (who has a bald patch on his tail where he got away from some other critter), and Other One.  Then I realized it was not to be, all because of one insurmountable

CON

A.  I have no tail.  And it seems that more than half of squirrel communication (Squirrelese) involves twitching or shaking the tail.  So I could not communicate with my subjects, making the experiment invalid (and earning me the name “Enormous Retarded Hairless Squirrel Who Gives Us Nuts”).

3.  Stephen King

Yeah, that job’s already taken.  Scurvy dog.

So I’m open to y’all’s suggestions as to how I should get off my lazy ass become a productive member of society.  But remember my handicaps:  Not Somalian, got no money, got no tail, and am not Stephen King.  Go from there.

 

 

Scorecard Update

For those of you who are playing along with our home game, please note: The character formerly known as “George” will now be known as “Gilbert.” Both in the Anne of Green Gables way and the BBC Being Human way.

That is all.

Finger Chickens

As opposed to Chicken Fingers… mmmm, chicken…

SCENE:  Hoody and Dear Sweet Mama are watching the New Year’s Resolution episode of “American Dad,” in which Deputy Director Bullock wants to chop off someone’s finger (don’t worry, no spoilers).

DSM:  So, what finger would you pick?

HH (without missing a beat):  Well, it can’t be my left hand, ’cause I might get married someday and I don’t wanna fuck up the pictures. (You know, the one where it’s both your hands with the bling showing?  I love that).

DSM:  But then it’s your RIGHT hand… and that’s gonna be creepy for handshakes.

Hoody and DSM proceed to shake each other’s hands with various fingers held back, testing for creep-factor.

DSM:  But wait, is it the whole finger or is there a stump?

HH:  I don’t want a stump, I think that’s somehow more creepy than just not having an entire finger.

The outcome of this discussion was the decision that the right pinky finger would be the way to go.  However, after further consideration, I must withdraw my vote for the right pinky, because I hold it out while sipping beverages in order to appear fancy (yes, all beverages).  So, to preserve my fancy, if I ever get married, the poor schmuck other person will just have to hold their hand over mine in such a way as to hide the fact that I have no LEFT pinky.  If I’m ever in a finger-cutting-off dilemma, that is.

That’s love, right there.

Hey, Dumbass!

Well, it seems Hoody Hoo’s Help for Hebrews isn’t taking off as the big successful  get-rich-quick scheme humanitarian effort I was hoping it would be… so I’m forced to make me some damn money help others in another way.

Ladies and Gentlemen… the Dumbass Alert.

This will be an app for one’s phone which will alert one to the fact that one is being a dumbass.  It originated when Dear Sweet Mama got the same book out of the library that she had just turned in… because she thought it looked good.  And I told her, yes, it DID look good, that’s why you got it the first time… dumbass.

So the Library Function is first:  I need to be alerted if I go to check out a book I have checked out within the past 3 months.  This will also prevent me thinking I’m smart because I “figured out” who the killer was when I actually just remembered it.  Not that I’ve done that…

Next, the Grocery Function:  This prevents me from buying excessive amounts of… let’s say, ketchup… because I always think I’m out of ketchup whenever I’m at the store.  Again, not that I’ve done that…

But in case you didn’t know, there really aren’t that many good recipes that use massive quantities of ketchup…

Now, I just needs me a nerd to make this App for me (I’m not that kind of nerd, unfortunately – I’m more of an Amish nerd.).  And no, it’s NOT free, that would set my own Alert off, now wouldn’t it?

 

 

Evidence for the Defence, Milord

(Because if I ever have to have an actual trial I want to have it in England because 1) Wigs and 2) Hot little Adama boy on Law and Order:  Great Britain and 3) FUCKING. WIGS.)

Anyhoo…

Y’all bitches may wonder why I am the way I am… I present (milord)

THINGS DEAR SWEET MAMA ACTUALLY SAID TODAY

1.  ”Everything’s better with a little weenie.”

2.  ”If I have to have rubbers, I’m gonna need the tall ones.”

In her “defence,” one statement referred to those pretzel-wrapped hot dogs you get at Auntie Anne’s, the other to those stupid short rainboots that keep your feet dry but fuck your ankles.  But STILL.  IN PUBLIC she says these things!

Oh, wait, one more:

3.  ”Don’t you put that on Twitter!”

So I didn’t.  YOU’RE WELCOME.