What’s WRONG with Her?

Today is rapidly approaching shit-sandwich on disgusting stale raisin bread levels, but we’re not gonna talk about that yet, because I’m too angry and y’all don’t need that.  Instead, we’ll talk about this:

I know you all sit at home nights, knitting sock puppets for orphans and wondering: “Why is Hoody like this?  She seems so normal, but then she says things like ‘Lazurus Monte’ and we just don’t know why.”


In My Lifetime, I Have Actually:

  • used the phrase, “I lost half my experience points when I dual-classed,” to explain a long dating drought. (D&D nerds 4-EVAH!)
  • performed first aid involving a sock and Swedish Fish.
  • gotten in trouble at school for eating only white foods.
  • had the guy I wrote awful, teenage angsty poetry to in junior high later become my boss.
  • dated more than one person at the same time… and sometimes on the same date.
  • worn a boyfriend’s jeans all day without noticing… more than once (hey, he was TEENY).
  • worn lingerie in front of the then-Governor of Wes’BYGAWD Virginny in a completely non-Monica way.
  • watched a completely different then-Governor attempt to do what appeared to be the funky chicken.
  • drunk the stuff in the middle of a “Flaming Volcano.”  Just so’s ya know, it’s not 151, it’s Sterno.
  • attempted to contest the results of a county-wide spelling bee.
  • peed in my pants on purpose.
  • gotten drunk with a priest (NOT counting Dear Sweet Mama’s Concubine!)

I’m sure there’s more, but I’m drawing a blank.  Share y’all’s weird shit in the comments!




Filed under I Rule You, Just Call Me Beavis, La Vida Loca, Youse Guys

33 responses to “What’s WRONG with Her?

  1. “gotten in trouble at school for eating only white foods.” Seriously, that’s so racist…. 😛


    • I know, I know, the crazy-ass gym teacher informed us of that fact… you’d think it would be the OPPOSITE of racist, as I was trying to decrease their majority over the other colors by consuming them!


  2. The most out-of-character thing I’ve done so far is to not wind up on America’s Most Wanted.


  3. “I lost half my experience points when I dual-classed.” Seriously, wow. This needs to go on the list of AWESOME D&D pickup lines. You know the ones.

    “I’m casting charm!”
    “Hey baby, I have a 20 charisma!”
    “I’m reaching into my bag of holding and pulling out LOVE!”


  4. Sounds like you keep it interesting.


  5. I have done at least four of those things. I have also hit myself in the face with a car door (more than once, never on purpose), operated a hidden fart machine at a work meeting, and asked a limping girl what she did to her foot only to be told “I have a prosthesis.”


  6. I have done #5 (the multiple dating thing). I had my then-stepfather tell me my boyfriend had called, and I had to ask, “Which one?”

    I’ve gotten drunk with a friend, allowed him to walk me to the wrong hotel, then staggered across town alone to the right one. I’ve walked into a screen door, more than once. I was so uncomfortable about a guy who came to call while I was in the bath in college that I stayed in the bath for two hours until he left. I used to own — and wear in public — a Lifestyles Condoms T-shirt which said “Cover girls love covered boys” on the front and “Lifestyles Condoms” in big letters on the back. WHAT? Safe sex is important!

    I’ve had a friend pass out drunk in front of me, after which I stepped over him to go to class. I’ve had a guy break up by saying, “I think we should stop seeing each other because I want to sleep with this girl at work.” To which I just replied, “Ok, have fun,” because I immediately realized that story was WAY more entertaining than the relationship. When I complained about weight gain to one of my friends and she pointed out that she was always going to be fatter than I am, I told her, “But you’re USED TO IT.”

    I’m choosing to believe that people keep me around for my good looks ’cause it sure ain’t my lovely personality.


  7. I *frequently* pretend to be pregnant to use the bathroom at convenience stores without having to buy anything. Dude. I’m clearly carrying high. I also talk to my dog in public. But hey, I’m not so bad. My sister calls her husband “Poopers,” and he answers to that name. In public. Also, my dad once blew up a gopher on my mom–and then she married him.


    • my grampa and my uncle have both blown up entire yards by pouring gasoline in groundhog holes. And I usually pretend Imma throw up at 7-11 – bitches can’t cough up that key fast enough!


  8. I once had an entire conversation with a total stranger where we used only Cake lyrics.

    The first time I finally got the hang of riding a bike I ran into the back of a moving truck (parked) and lost a bunch of skin. The last time I was on a bike I ran into the side of a cow. I think that bookends my bike riding career so well that I won’t get on one again. Not even for a trip to Spain.

    Every single time I use the bathroom I wonder if I’m really awake or if I’m dreaming and about to wet the bed. Every. Single. Time.


    • the pee dream thing – completely normal (I hope!) And I hit the same exact fence learning to ride my bike that I later hit learning to drive my car. Synchronicity, bitches!


  9. Cinema Sugar

    I was dating this real classy broad once. You know the type; looks, brains, the whole package. And I ditched her. For Jesus.


    • Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to introduce The Great and Powerful Cinema Sugar! Yep, she’s that one.


      • Cinema Sugar

        Nevermind, I’ll find someone like Hooooooody Hooooo
        I wish nothing but the best fOHRRrr Hoooooooody Hoooooo
        Don’t forget me! I beg!
        I remember you said,
        “Sometimes it lasts in love, but fuck you, I hope you fucking diiiiiiiieeee.”


  10. Cinema Sugar

    Seriously, my list is going to have to be its own blog post.


  11. I once bit an electric cord, which shocked my ass across the room. OK, I was 4, but still… I had higher hopes for my gene pool.


    • don’t feel bad, I shocked myself across the room trying to fix a light switch… last year. Apparently turning off all the breakers doesn’t REALLY turn off all the power.


  12. On my sixteenth birthday, I broke my toe answering the phone. I’d almost forgotten about it, but then I saw an episode of House where the patient almost dies from having a broken toe. So now I’m convinced I’m going to die of broken toe disease.


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