Today is rapidly approaching shit-sandwich on disgusting stale raisin bread levels, but we’re not gonna talk about that yet, because I’m too angry and y’all don’t need that. Instead, we’ll talk about this:
I know you all sit at home nights, knitting sock puppets for orphans and wondering: “Why is Hoody like this? She seems so normal, but then she says things like ‘Lazurus Monte’ and we just don’t know why.”
In My Lifetime, I Have Actually:
- used the phrase, “I lost half my experience points when I dual-classed,” to explain a long dating drought. (D&D nerds 4-EVAH!)
- performed first aid involving a sock and Swedish Fish.
- gotten in trouble at school for eating only white foods.
- had the guy I wrote awful, teenage angsty poetry to in junior high later become my boss.
- dated more than one person at the same time… and sometimes on the same date.
- worn a boyfriend’s jeans all day without noticing… more than once (hey, he was TEENY).
- worn lingerie in front of the then-Governor of Wes’BYGAWD Virginny in a completely non-Monica way.
- watched a completely different then-Governor attempt to do what appeared to be the funky chicken.
- drunk the stuff in the middle of a “Flaming Volcano.” Just so’s ya know, it’s not 151, it’s Sterno.
- attempted to contest the results of a county-wide spelling bee.
- peed in my pants on purpose.
- gotten drunk with a priest (NOT counting Dear Sweet Mama’s Concubine!)
I’m sure there’s more, but I’m drawing a blank. Share y’all’s weird shit in the comments!