Tag Archives: THE MAN

Saor Alba

Full Disclosure:  I am, on my Poor Ol’ Dad’s side, a bloody Jacobite — as Scarlett O’Hara said, “run out of Scotland with Bonnie Prince Charlie…”

Of course you KNOW I’m watching “Outlander” — #1, I’m a huge history nerd and #2, I read the books back when they came out (and am reading them again).

Leaving aside my personal name for the series: “Everyone in the Known World Wants to Fuck Jamie Fraser” (if you’ve read the books, you get it, and if not… well, I give you this:)

Lord, that lad is FOINE!

Lord, that lad is FOINE!

… so at least you’ll understand why I gladly count myself among the “Everyone” — GREAT casting, by the way!

But anyhoo, I can’t help but find it hysterically coincidental that this series came out just as Scotland is voting on independence.  So, Dear Sweet Mama being just as much a geek as I am, we found ourselves transfixed as all get out at the idea.  So we got to talking about it at the Bob Evans.

What?  Where do YOU discuss global politics?

So far, we’ve been able to discern 3 major points of contention in the matter – these being what the rest of the world (i.e., not Scotland) seems to think ought to matter:

  1. WHO GETS ENGLAND’S NUKES???  Um, England does.  They’re England’s nukes.  But they WILL need to be makin’ an arrangement about the back rent…
  2. WHAT KIND OF MONEY WILL THEY HAVE?  I’d guess whatever money they want, euros, pounds, whatever.  Although I do have to come down as strongly against going back to the Live Pig Currency Standard.
  3. THE DEBT??? WHAT PORTION OF BRITAIN’S DEBT SHOULD SCOTLAND HAVE TO TAKE ON???  This one I’m quite clear on.  NONE.  That debt was paid at (and after) Blar Chuil Lodair.

So, for what it’s worth, I say saor Alba.  And while we’re at it, tabhair Eire ar ais go dti na hEireann.  And am ddim Cymru, if they like.  The time has come.

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Filed under Adventures with Dear Sweet Mama, Getchore LEARN on!, I Rule You, La Vida Loca, The Idiot Box

The Joys of Broke-Folk Insurance

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am ABSO-FUCKIN’-LUTELY a staunch supporter of the Affordable Care Act.  I would not have any goddamn health insurance at all without it, and I’ve been there, it sucks.  And I know the healthcare industry is all fucked up, and I know there’s not enough doctors, and everything.

But still… this ain’t right.

CALL #1 (Yesterday, ’round noonish)

Voice:  “Hello, Doctor ___’s office.”

HoodyHoo:  “Hi, I need to make an appointment?”

V:  “Okay, have you been here before?”

HH:  “No, my insurance company assigned me to y’all.”

V:  “Okay, what’s your name?”

I proceed to tell her, then spell my whole real name three times, then my first name an additional three times, because A) 5 letters is too hard or B) I have a speech impediment.

V:  “And what insurance do you have?”

HH:  “Broke-folk Insurance.”

V:  “Okay, can you hold please?”

Note:  When there are this many “okays” in a single conversation, things are not going to end well.

V (returning):  “What was your name again?”

I spell the whole name one more time.

V:  “Okay, do you have your card in front of you?”

HH:  “I sure do.”

V:  “Okay, can you read me your ID number?”

I do.

V:  “And the doctor’s name on the card?”

HH:  “Doctor _______.” (um, the same name you said when you answered the phone…)

V:  “Okay…”        <long pause>    “And what’s your phone number?”

I give it.

V:  “Okay, we’re going to have to look something up on the computer and call you back.”

HH:  “Ohkaaaay….”

I am somewhat perplexed.  Surely she could look and see whether or not they took my insurance WHILE we were on the phone?  But… maybe they have dial-up, whatever.

TWO HOURS LATER, WITH NO RESPONSE

CALL #2

HH:  “Hi, I called earlier today to make an appointment and someone was supposed to call me back?”

New Voice:  “You called today?”

HH:  “Yes, a couple of hours ago.”

NV:  “Hold on, I’ll get her.”

Short hold, then a Different Voice:  “Susan?”

HH:  “No, this is Hoody.  I just needed to make an appointment as a new patient?”

DV:  “Oh, okay, hold on.”

At this point, I licked my insurance card and stuck it to my forehead because that suddenly seemed to make more sense than what I’d been doing.

Third Voice:  “Hello?”

HH:  “Hi, I needed to make an appointment?”

3V:  “Okay, hold on.”

After yet another hold, FOURTH FUCKING VOICE:  “Hi, this is Linda.”

HH:  “Hi, Linda.”

And Linda was finally able to make me a goddamn appointment… in October.  Now, granted, all I need is a new patient checkup, but she told me there’d be a 3-month wait BEFORE she asked if there was anything wrong.

And people wonder why us Broke-Folk use the ER as our regular doctor.

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Filed under I'm Confused, Reality Bites, White Man's Medicine, WTF???

More Lessons Learned…

… from “The Last Ship.”

Yeah, it’s been awhile, but hey, most of the funny/fucked up shit that happens to me has to do with The Concubine (without her knowledge), and I almost feel bad shaming her on Teh Interwebz.  I know, weird, right?  Me feeling shame.  But anyhoo…

LESSONS LEARNED FROM “THE LAST SHIP”

Episode 1

  • The CDC is never here to save YOU, dumbass.  They’re here to save other people. FROM you. (Actually, I already knew this.)
  • Jason Dean is still smokin’ fuckin’ hot.  My argument:
And still WAAAAAY too hot for Phoebe Halliwell.

And still WAAAAAY too hot for Phoebe Halliwell.

  • Don’t even fucking THINK about killing the dog, inexplicable Russian ninjas.  I WILL CUT YOU.
  • Two words:  JAYNE COBB! That is all.
The Hero of Canton

The Hero of Canton

  • Jason Dean and Jayne Cobb manage to make up for that actress who looks like she smelled a fart.
  • We are, at this moment, potentially 2 months away from President Boehner.  Wait, wait, stop cutting yourself, I said POTENTIALLY.
  • Radio silence is NEVER for your own protection.
  • When all else fails, fucking do it yourself.  Fear of electrocution is for PUSSIES.
  • If you fail to answer your phone, I’m totally allowed to come over to your place and steal your popcorn and mac n’ cheese.
  • We get issued protective face shields for a reason.  DUMBASS.

(although you did make the right choice, ma brotha.  ain’t goin’ out like that.)

BONUS:  Having kids and a wife is NOT. FUCKING. WORTH IT.  The Night’s Watch has the right idea.

AND ONE CAVEAT:  Naming a character “Dr. Scott” makes me want to throw toilet paper.

I love you, my Hooligans.  And I’ll try to do better!

HH

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Filed under At the Movies, Getchore LEARN on!, I Rule You, The Idiot Box, The Many Husbands of Hoody

Dear Sweet Mama Gets All Motherf*cker

Those of you who have been reading me for awhile have probably built up a picture in your head of my Dear Sweet Mama — sweet, Southern and smartassed, slightly dingbatty (I was gonna put “dingy” but that sounds like my Mama is a little bit grimy like a chimney sweep)  at times but overall very Zen and laid-back.  Kinda like The Dude in a dress, if she ever wore dresses.

But there is another side to DSM, a side that is just as real, though not as brightly lit… A DAAAARK SIIIIIDE….

As the people at our local DMV (ok, they call it the MVA here, but whatevs) found out today.

SCENE:  The Counter at the DMV/MVA/Place Where They Do Car Stuff

Hoody and Dear Sweet Mama are transferring the title of the car from DSM’s name to Hoody’s name (‘just wait, there’s a whole big story behind THAT, as well — later post).  DSM is also trying to get a Handicapped placard since she will no longer have Handicapped plates.

DSM:  So how do I get a placard?

Clerk (poor, poor clerk):  You just have to fill out the application and get it authorized by your doctor.

DSM:  But I just did that to get the plate.  Do I have to do it again?

Clerk (who really should have called in sick today):  Well, do you have the note from your doctor’s prescription pad?

DSM:  I had to turn that in to get the plates.

Clerk (who should have studied harder in college so as not to have to work at the DMV):  Ummm…

DSM:  That’s just not right.

In DSM’s defense, that’s NOT right, but you must recognize that DSM was getting progressively LOUDER with every sentence, to the point where the Supervisor had to weigh in:

Supervisor (who will shortly wish she’d gone on lunch):  Now now now…

Hoody:  Mama, chill… (as y’all know, there is a deputy stationed at the DMV to keep order, and Hoody tries not to get aslant of the law, ever since the Unfortunate Incident — no, I’m not talking about the DUI, I’m talking about this.)

DSM:  Okay, okay, but that’s bullshit… mutter mutter mutter.

Clerk (who clearly doesn’t know who she’s dealing with):  I don’t make the rules, ma’am, I just have to follow them.

OH NO SHE DIDN’T

So Hoody had to talk DSM off the Motherfucker Ledge AGAIN, all because Clerk couldn’t shut the fuck up.

Upshot of all this is, DSM COULD have gotten a placard, since Supervisor was able to look up her records, but actually COULD NOT because she already has one.  And in NJ, you can either have a plate and a placard or just one placard.  Because fuck you, that’s why.  And no, even this didn’t help:

DSM:  Well, in New York we could have a placard for each car…

HH:  C’mon, Mama.

And they managed to get out of the office without getting arrested.  The End.

PS:  DSM says if I’m going to tell y’all this story, I also have to share her latest harebrained scheme brilliant idea.  She wants to put an ad on Craigslist offering to share pairs of shoes with a person who only has one leg — by posing as someone who ALSO only has one leg, but on the other side.  Like:  “ISO woman with missing left leg to share shoes with woman with missing right leg, size 7 and a half.  Please see attached for picture of missing leg.”

PPS:  Yes, you read that right.  “Please see attached for picture of MISSING leg.”

PPPS:  And yes, in case you were wondering, this IS why I’m like this.

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Filed under Adventures with Dear Sweet Mama, I'm Confused, La Vida Loca, Weep for Humanity, WTF???

Like, TOTALLY!

First real day on the new job under my belt, and I’m chillin’ watching this great series on NatGeo:  “The 80’s: The Decade That Made Us.”  So Hooligans, it’s time for...

POETRY SLAM!

We grew up in the 80’s

Hair was big and life was large.

We listened to the Bangles and that freakin’ El DeBarge.

All of us just waiting for an end in fire and flame

We waited for the Commies, and the Commies never came.

Our fathers taught survival, our mothers taught us, too

All the skills they knew we’d need when that ol’ Red Button blew.

But the sirens never sounded and we grew up less than tame

We waited for the Commies, and the Commies never came.

Now we sit here all grown up now,

In our forties (either side)

We realize we’re still breathing long past when we thought we’d die.

Our skills are all but useless and we’re somewhat less than sane

We waited for the Commies, and the Commies never came.

So we crack up in our thousands

Turn to drink and drug and vice.

Our heads still filled with “WOLVERINES!” and that damn Vanilla Ice

Our parents think it’s their fault, but there’s no one left to blame

We waited for the Commies, and the Commies never came.

Now life’s all about the ‘Pocalypse and how we’re gonna die

We listen to the theories and we never bat an eye.

The enemies are different and the world is not the same

We waited for the Commies, and the Commies never came.

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Filed under GENIUS!, Getchore LEARN on!, I Rule You, La Vida Loca, Random Thoughts, Weep for Humanity

Drunk School Digest

So, confession time:  Two Christmases ago (12/25/11), Hoody went to her Bad-Ass Cousin’s house (you know, the 0ne who always got you in trouble as a kid – that one) and got, as Hoody does tend to get, fairly fucked up.  Hoody then attempted to drive home and suddenly saw blue lights.  Now, in the words of the poets, “I ain’t tryin’ to see no highway chase wit’ Jake,” so Hoody pulled over and got her drunk ass a DUI.

Yes, she’s sorry.  

And on the plus side, she’s now in a “treatment program” (the quotes will make sense later) and can therefore present to you:

DRUNK SCHOOL DIGEST

Week 1, Day1

Got invited to sit at “the cool kids'” table by lunchtime – helps to be hotter than a smacked ass.  Today we learned how to steal things from the supermarket.  We also learned that men are bad and are the root of all violence and evil – from a MALE counselor.

Week 1, Day 2

This shit really, really drags.  I did see one girl’s boob this morning when she flopped (yes, I do mean “flopped”) it out in front of everyone, so there’s that.

Week 1, Day 3

I seem to be the only person here who’s JUST a drunk.  Everyone else is a “booze-and-” – like, heroin, coke, etc.  I feel like the slow kid in class.

Week 1, Day 4

Ditched.  No sleep, couldn’t face it.  Turns out there was a huge fight between one of the counselors and some of the “students” – I missed it!

Week 1, Day 5

Really starting to get a complex about NOT being a drug addict.  Everyone was sharing their “freak-out” stories and my drunk ass got nothin’.  Also, I may be the only person here with teeth.

Stay tuned, it can only get weirder!

 

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Filed under Drunk School Digest, Getchore LEARN on!, I'm Confused, La Vida Loca, Reality Bites, WTF???

Here’s Where It Gets Tricky

Okay, so everyone now knows the general Rules of Crap Films and Television.  But what about the wastes of celluloid that DON’T fit the categories?  Never fear, there’s always a way to tell:

WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING (pt. 2)

1.  You’ve watched for 10 minutes.  Will there be a Christmas?

  • YES.  You are watching A Big-Budget Holiday Comedy.  Vince Vaughn/Ben Stiller/Tim Allen will learn a valuable lesson through the healing power of the holiday season.  The End.
  • NO.  You are once again watching a Hallmark movie.  Have you learned nothing?
  • There is a HOWEVER:  If there WILL be a Christmas, but you’ve never heard of any of the actors, this is ALSO a Hallmark movie.  Be on the lookout for John-Boy Walton and his mole, they’re in a lot of these.

2.  Is there a Sad Clown and/or a Cigarette left smoking in An Ashtray?

 

  1. YES.  You are watching A Foreign Film.  Set your house on fire and join the Witness Protection Program.

 

  • EXCEPTION:  Is there ALSO an Unattractive Naked Person who used to be hot but is now in no possible way anywhere near hot?
  1. YES.  You are watching An Oscar Contender.

All that being said, I’d like to return to Question #1 for a moment.  Why the fuck have I never seen a movie in which Endearing-But-Poverty-Stricken Children/Talking Rodents/A Kindly-But-Misunderstood  Stranger has to save HANUKKAH?  I mean it.  I want to see little Jewish mice frantically working to repair a clock so that Hanukkah can go on as scheduled.  I want to see a Nice Old Man teaching a small town the symbolism of the eight nights.  So far, the closest thing I’ve found is Shari Lewis and Lamb-Chop starring in a video about the Passover Seder, and that’s just fucked up on its very own level.

No one ever saves Kwanzaa, either…

 

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Filed under At the Movies, I'm Confused, Jesus and Pals, WTF???