Blasphemeeeeee, Blaspheyoooou

Y’all’s (always hilarious) comments on the last post got me thinking of the Dear Sweet Mama Theorem on Whether Stuff Is Funny.  I use this at least once a day to keep from getting my ass fired, and it sounds like y’all should, too!

How it works is this:  Think of what you’re about to say.  Do you think it’s funny?  If the answer is “yes,” it may be offensive.  If the answer is “FUCK, yes!” it is most definitely going to piss somebody off.  I give you an example.

Back when I was writing jokes for Chuckweasel instead of for myself, I wrote WHAT I THOUGHT was a very amusing story about a new set of Jesus Christ Action figures.  Some of you may see where this is going… in fact, I was torn between 2 different punchlines:

1.  Just don’t try to play with it in the bathtub, it’ll keep popping up outta the water.

2.  And don’t worry if it breaks, just put it back in the box and it’ll fix itself in 3 days!

After some discussion, we went with #2.  It did not go over well.  Strangely enough, though, that was NOT what got Chuckweasel fired…

I also much later did a joke about how how the new manuscript from the Da Vinci code guy had been stolen, and gave the description of the suspect as… well… as the Pope.  Again, fucking HILARIOUS, but apparently… not to everyone.

So, according to Dear Sweet Mama, the funnier we think something is, the more likely it is to cause a fistfight.  Which is why I’m glad I found all you bitches to share my inappropriateness with!  Share away!

PS:  The first person to identify where I stole borrowed the title of this post from gets TWO juice boxes in their bag lunch on the bus to hell!

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37 Comments

Filed under Adventures with Dear Sweet Mama, Chuckweasel, GENIUS!, Jesus and Pals, Just Call Me Beavis, La Vida Loca, Youse Guys

37 responses to “Blasphemeeeeee, Blaspheyoooou

  1. I don’t know where the hell your title came from BUT that’s okay I don’t want any juice. It will water down my gin.

    It is true, the funnier something is, the more likely it will get someone’s panties in a wad. Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke.

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  2. See? This is where I get into trouble because I think the majority of what you write is hilarious.

    Jokes about that which we ought not joke are the funniest. Which is why I cannot be trusted to sit still — or be quiet — in a church.

    Pearl

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  3. See, that’s the problem with most of those bible thumping country music listening folk . . . they are generally a humourless bunch. But you are right, the funnier we find it, the more wrong it usually is. It’s a shame you need a paycheck and all, because if you were let loose on that station, I might even be interested in tuning in for that!

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  4. Is this like the time I tried to tell my uber-religious neighbor that I wanted to start a bank/church: First Christ Bank. “Jesus Saves Here!” “Profit with our Prophets!” “Let he who is without debt cast the first loan!” “Automatically deducts 10% from every deposit for tithing!”

    I thought a bank/church was a BRILLIANT idea.

    Neighbor: not so much.

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  5. Jen

    Eddie Izzard, bitches!

    “There was Pope John if you remember, now there is Pope John Paul. The next Pope’s gonna be John Paul George and we can see where they’re going.”
    -E.I. “Circle”

    I’d like two strawberry-kiwi Capri Suns, please.

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  6. The more insecure people are about themselves and their theories, the harder they fight against humor. It was illegal to tell jokes about Hitler too.

    For that reason, I consider it my civic and solemn duty to mock everything. Freedom requires it! Just remember, you’re the next great patriot.

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  7. Eddie Izzard, but I’m late to the party.

    I’ve got a post coming up that mentions Hell in a humorous way. Kind of ran it by my neighbor (originally from wholesome Nebraska) to see how it would go over and I got no response. I think he was kind of put off.

    Fuck it. I’m gonna run it anyway because I can’t think of anything funnier (not that there isn’t something funnier than my post) and you’ve just co-signed my inappropriate behavior. Thank you 😉

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  8. I go by the “Grandma Scale”. If it would give her chest pains, a stroke, a heart attack, or just knock her straight off the planet. She doesn’t like me and gave me underwear for Easter when I was a kid, so shove the “poor Grammie” crap. Shove. Hmm.

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    • BUY HER THE STEP IN BATHTUB! She will totally get either a broken hip or the pneumonia! Or just get her a Life Alert bracelet but don’t sign her up for the service! That’ll teach her!

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  9. My boss reminds me that I’m not funny at least once a week. Whenever someone asks me to help in the office with a joke or prank or “humorous slideshow” for the staff meeting I just say, “I’m not funny,” and keep typing. The fact that almost everyone else says I AM funny makes this even funnier.

    Pouting about the meeting that kept me from winning the prize…

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    • the fact that you were in a meeting in which you were probably told (yet again) that you’re not funny by your (extremely not funny) boss is a valid excuse. You may have a string cheese.

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  10. I want some Jesus action figures! Walks on water – ha! That’s good stuff, dude!

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  11. 1. I want some god damn indestructible figurines.

    2. Um. I forgot.

    3. When are you/we/them not offensive hmmm?

    I’m going to PISS SOMEONE OFF tomorrow just for you. HA!

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  12. I actually don’t get what other people think is funny. Like, apparently Drawn Together is funny. I honestly and deeply don’t get it. I get the premise of the cartoon, but … they kind of miss the point of vulgarity and ugly stuff (rancid vajayjays anyone?) and don’t have anything to actually say about anything.

    People hurting themselves in creative ways, apparently a sad thing that makes people cry. Me? I find it mostly hilarious. Especially the Mentos n Coke idiot who tried to mix it in his mouth — youtube it, you seriously won’t regret it. Well, unless idiots getting hurt makes you sad.

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  13. ok I may be wrong but I think your title came from the Austin Power Movie where he meets the Japanese Twins Fukuyou and Fukumee?? No?

    Like

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