NOT a 9/11 Post

I admit, I thought about doing a 9/11 post (hell, I was working in TV news then, yeah, I fucking REMEMBER).  But then I thought, “Hoody, writing that post will make you sad, and you are already barely out of a bleak depression.  And reading that post will make your readers sad, and them bitches sure don’t need that.  And you haven’t even read the story Poor Ol’ Dad got published in that titty magazine, ’cause he said not to read it until you were in a good head space, so what are you even THINKING?”

So instead, some random bits, including the reason Chuckweasel and I are going to Hell.

But first — our IT Dumbass (yes, the guy who, according to office rumor, cannot even “fix” a sandwich) has put up what I’m sure is a very funny cartoon on his door — it’s a man reading a sign which I’m sure is amusing.  The problem — the cartoon was in color, and it printed in black and white… so the sign is completely black and you can’t read it.  WOULDN’T YOU THINK THE COMPUTER GUY WOULD HAVE RECOGNIZED THIS AS A PROBLEM???  But this is the same guy who, when asked to clean out the newsroom hard drive, actually took the back off and BLEW in it.

As to the reason Chuckweasel and I are going to Hell is this:  We actually had an entire conversation about how it would be fun to hang out with Jesus ’cause he can make wine and fish sammiches, but that he’s probably not allowed to go into bars without being searched for bottles of water.  Or paying a huge Jesus-only cover.  Like the sign out front says, “Live band, no cover — except you, Jesus.”  And I don’t think Jesus has a lot of money, so we’d better just hang out at the house.

I’ll save y’all some seats on the bus to you-know-where.

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45 Comments

Filed under Chuckweasel, Jesus and Pals, Random Thoughts, Weep for Humanity, Youse Guys

45 responses to “NOT a 9/11 Post

  1. Oh that’s ok, fiance and I have had our seats booked for years, you can sit by us.

    I got my seat assured when I was in my first year of high school (at about 11 years old or so), when I informed my whole class that I didn’t believe in God. I’d been asked when Jesus was born, and being atheist and ignorant, I didn’t know what the fuck his birth had to do with a) history, b) the date. To me “I don’t believe in God” was a good answer. I might as well have said I pitchfork kittens, my entire class was horrified.

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  2. I booked a hand basket, I didn’t even know the bus was an option!

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  3. Oh man, that is gonna be a full bus!! I was just talking to the hubs last night about how it’s the end of days and how it’s been a good run and all that, and he started saying stuff like, well, guess I’ll see you in the afterlife, and I was like, Oh hon, you know damn we aren’t going to the same place and you know where I’m going it’s gonna be very hot, but that’s ok, I’ll be fine, I don’t like the cold. He just sighed. Have I mentioned that he is a good christian saint type person? Yeah, pisses me the hell off too. At least I know that where we all are going, there will be lots of fun people and good times. Those holier than thou peeps are completely humorless!! Party at the dark lord’s place?? Helllllll, YES!!!

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  4. I have more of a party wagon in mind. Debauchery, anyone?

    I’m not sure if the Hubs will be with me or not, but I know that there are several kick ass folks who will be climbing aboard, so good times will be had by all. Oh wait, that was last weekend.

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  5. I dunno if I would like to hang with Jesus, to tell the truth… maybe if he leaned that wine trick but for beer and rum….

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  6. I’ll be there, too! Because when my grandma talks about The Boy and I living in sin I must must must say things like “well, it isn’t really the sharing the house that is at sin…it’s the sex.” Or when she says people that live together before marriage are more likely to get divorced I say “well, we’d better not get married then.” I have to poke the good Catholic bear. Have to.

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    • I’m the exact same way — I always point out that I’m NOT living in sin, I’m just an adulterer. Or aiding and abetting adultery, I’m never real sure which one of us is actually committing it!

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  7. I’d like to think I’m getting flown first class to “you know where”.

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  8. Honey I’ll join you in driving the bus. Shit. My seat was reserved before my mom got laid.

    I’d hang out with Jesus too. How else can we keep the lepers from getting us all germy?

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  9. Jen

    Do you think Satan will give us an air-conditioned room in Hell ‘cuz we’re rad as shit?

    BTW, I’m pretty sure Jesus has one hell of a trust fund so he can pay the goddamn cover like everybody else.

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  10. Chris Cochran

    Which titty magazine?

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  11. A couple years ago, I said fuck it and rented one of those big-ass Hummer Limos, and there’s still a few seats open if anyone needs a ride.

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  12. Guess I’m going on the Hummer Limo then. I never really thought turning water into wine was all that great, since I hate wine. Now if Jesus turned water into White Russians (or maybe White Cossacks, since they didn’t have Russians back then), he and I would be in business.

    I always thought there was at least one very good reason to head south — they have better music. Think about it. Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Sid Vicious versus Charles Wesley and Fanny Crosby (Google ’em). Which group would you rather listen to for eternity?

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  13. At first I thought you were talking about Jesus making wine-and-fish sandwiches, which I imagine would be a nice piece of fish on a baguette, with olive oil, and some red wine (the way you might use balsamic vinegar), with maybe some lettuce and tomato and possibly some fresh basil.

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  14. Generally I hate men that wear sandals year round, but I make an exception for Jesus. Sacrelige is a little hobby at our house too. I’m just not really sure that he takes himself as seriously as some of my neighbors do!

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    • Working on a country (read, Bible-thumping) radio station, I always have to ask myself the question: “Hoody, do you think this is funny?” If the answer is yes, it will probably get me fired. That’s Dear Sweet Mama’s formula for keeping me employed (so far).

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  15. Dear Sweet Mama

    When I think of Jesus, I think of the 30 something year old guys I know, hanging out with their friends, roaming around the country side, seeing things and speaking prophecy – yes, Jesus may have been the original DeadHead.

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  16. Pingback: Blasphemeeeeee, Blaspheyoooou | hoodyhoo

  17. So I’ll be going to Hell on Sept 21st.

    Hell, aka St George, Utah, is around 105 degrees. Oh, but that’s not the worst part…. it will be filled with EVERY PERSON OVER 50 WHO HAS AN RV in time for the Senior Games. Yeah, I’ll be in Hell in about two weeks.

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