The Pod’s Back

Remember when I was taken over by dark and alien forces and I cleaned all day long without even realizing it?  Well, it’s happened again.  As we all know, I’ve been a little chemically unstable lately, so the house is what might be politely called “a fucking disaster area.”  But now the meds are kicking in and I’m able to get up off the couch (don’t worry, the dent hasn’t filled in yet), so I thought I should start living like people again.  Before Neicy Nash comes to my house and freaks me out with that hair (BTW, does anyone know if she’s the same girl that plays the cop on “Reno 911”? — if she’s not, them bitches are clones or something!).

Anyhoo, I decided to start in the bathroom (at the very back of the apartment) and work my way forward.  So I put “Game of Thrones” on the bedroom TV OnDemand and set to it.

5 episodes, y’all.  I scrubbed that damn bathroom ON MY HANDS AND KNEES for FIVE HOURS.  I just went all OCD up in there.  I took all the cabinets and furniture type shit out and wiped them down, then scrubbed the floor WITH A SPONGE before I put it all back.  The cats think I have lost my goddamn mind (except for Callie Jean, who doesn’t care as long as “Game of Thrones” is on).

And now I kinda want to keep the door closed forever and use the toilet at the gas station to avoid besmirching my ultra-pristine bathroom.  It can be for display purposes only, right?

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37 Comments

Filed under Calpurnia Jean, I'm Confused, Kittehs!, La Vida Loca, My Secret Shame(s), White Man's Medicine, WTF???, Ye Olde Apartment Complex

37 responses to “The Pod’s Back

  1. Next time you’re taken over by aliens, please feel free to come to my house and clean.

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  2. SassyO

    Yes – Neicy Nash *is* the actress on Reno 911.

    And I completely understand your desire to keep clean rooms clean. I have been known to say to my chirren, “PLEASE don’t walk on the carpet! Look at the pretty vacuum marks!”

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  3. I have satellite- please come visit. Please.

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    • as I told Thoughtsy — I’m looking for some type of Life-Alert thing that will send a signal when I go cleaning-crazy… then y’all can come snatch me up in a van!

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  4. Damn girl. Where do I get one of these pod people to stay at my house? I’m down with a lump of uselessness living on my couch for extended periods of time if I can just get a sparkly bathroom every once in a while!

    Also, you were planning on starting in the back and working your way up, but spent FIVE HOURS on the BACK bathroom? Oh girl, that is just poor time management. Next time, start on the front of the house where people will see that shit and think you are all Martha Stewarty, and leave the back hidden spaces messy and dirty. That’s just good sense right there!

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    • I am psycho about clean bathrooms (thanks, Dear Sweet Mama!) so that’s always were I start — I NEEDS me a clean terlet, yo! Also, the bathroom is close enough to the bedroom TV so I can hear “Game of Thrones.”

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  5. Dear Sweet Mama

    Yippee – just a few more weeks of this and I can come visit!!! Stay out of that bathroom until then. And was this both of the bathroom rooms or only one?

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  6. Dude. Now I am going to feel guilty when I sit on my ass and watch some Game of Thrones tonight. I am going to have to be all “industrious” or something. DAMNIT.

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  7. The Boy is always cooking in the kitchen after I’ve done the dishes and cleaned. It is sooooo irritating. It’s like he walks in, sees clean dishes and a refrigerator full of food, and is compelled to use the dishes to make things for me to consume! Gah!

    Kitten Thunder freaks out when I clean, too. It pretty much means that a set of grandpeople is coming to visit.

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    • My Poor Ol’ Dad used to do that, too… he would use EVERY.SINGLE. THING. in the house to make his famous chili. DSM would call and I’d be like, “Dad’s making chili!” and you could tell she was considering never coming home again…

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  8. Glad you are up and about. Chemical instability is a royal pain in the a@@.

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  9. I have actually screamed at people for using things I just cleaned. I mean, I just washed those clothes, STOP WEARING THEM. I think it’s perfectly fine to make a shrine out of the back bathroom. You weren’t using it anyway, were you?

    We gave up and hired a housecleaning service every two weeks, since my form of chemical instability is worsened by cleaning. Psst, it’s not the actual cleaning I object to, but the cleaning up after other people which enrages me. If I lived on my own I’d be just fine. As it is, making the kids run around like crazy people to get their rooms picked up before the cleaners arrive takes quite a bit out of me. Worth it, because it means I don’t have to go in there and deal with the boy funk.

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    • I still do the “school clothes” thing everyone’s mama taught them when they were little — I take off my “good clothes” when I come in the house so I don’t ruin them. This is why I’m always showing my panties to the mailman…

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      • Shit girl, that is the absolutely FIRST thing I do when I come home. Run right upstairs to change into my sleepin clothes. I hardly even greet my family. They know to leave me alone for 5 damn minutes so mom can get comfy, and THEN I’ll deal with all your bullshit. DAMN.

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  10. You’re my kind of crazy, girlfriend. And yes, Niecy is Officer Williams on Reno 911.

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  11. This makes me want to have one of my “episodes” where I’ll spend like 15 straight hours cleaning and then not step foot in my kitchen for 17 days because I’d cry if I got crumbs on the counter cause all that’s holding my fragile sanity together is knowing the kitchen is sparkling clean.

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  12. I hate cleaning so much that I hired someone to come clean my house every two weeks (although, weirdly, I scrub the litter boxes myself, because I just can’t bring myself to give that chore to another person). She spends less time on my entire house than you did on your bathroom.

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    • I can’t stand the thought of someone else seeing my funk. I know I’d do what East Coast Aunt used to do — she’d spend an entire day cleaning the house BEFORE the cleaning woman came, so people wouldn’t think she was a pig!

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      • Oh my god. I thought I was the only person insane enough to do that.
        I really really HATE cleaning like, with an anti-heart tshirt, but I also hate the idea of someone knowing just how bad I can let shit go before I clean up…

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  13. I’ve done this. And yes, I’ve taken pictures of my pristine shitter as proof.

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  14. origcheesemistress

    I am more of the “this really needs to be cleaned…. let’s burn it down” school of pod-ness. Fortunately, I lack focus and by the time I go look for matches, another episode of “Toddlers Hoarding Tiaras of New Jersey” and well… the moment passes.

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  15. Hey, if you’re still on that cleaning jag pleeease come to my house and help me clean. *sigh* I’m avoiding cleaning, something not to be avoided in a small space.

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    • Isn’t it weird that the smaller a space is, the harder it is to clean? It’s like, one microwave popcorn bag on the counter and you should call the health department!

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  16. origcheesemistress

    And what the fuck is up with my name on this? Did I change the settings that last time I brainwandered? Fuck. Damn you, technocrap.

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  17. What’s this thing you all talk about called ‘cleaning’?

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    • It’s the process by which all the dirt in your house gets off your house and onto YOU. You know you’re done from the day when you smell like old taco meat and vinegar.

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      • Oh, see I figured it was the thing I did the day before rental inspection, where you bring it up to ‘a little messy’, and tell them you’re just too busy (unfortunately true now, but I used that excuse when I was doing nothing too) to clean, and the cleaning lady has ebola.

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