Today’s Post Is Brought to You by the Letter “S”

S is for…. SSSST!

The bathroom at work has one of those air freshener things that releases a burst of scent every so often.  This was unbeknownst to me until I heard this terrible “SSST!” noise and I thought I was either being attacked by a snake or had displeased Cesar Milan.  It’s a good damn thing I was already sitting on the pot, if you get my drift!

S is for “Sugar Babies”

No, not the disgusting candy that rips your fillings out, I mean the actual thing — women (and one skeevy-looking guy) who date older people to get them to buy them stuff and pay their bills.  WHY WAS I NOT TOLD THIS WAS A CAREER OPTION???   One of the girls doesn’t even put out!  Stupid high school guidance counselor…

S is for “Spools”

Now, this may be a strictly redneck thing, but back in the day, everyone knew at least one person who had a table made out of one of those huge wooden spools like electrical cable comes on (the classier of us used them as LAWN furniture…).  Anyhoo, we now have one sitting out behind the office for some reason… AND THE MIDDLE IS NOW MADE OF CARDBOARD!  That’s not gonna make any kind of furniture, dammit, that’s just shoddy!  Can’t have nice things.

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39 Comments

Filed under I'm Confused, La Vida Loca, Only in Wes' BYGAWD Virginny, Random Thoughts, Weep for Humanity, WTF???

39 responses to “Today’s Post Is Brought to You by the Letter “S”

  1. Oooh, the air freshener thing would drive me crazy. It combines two things I hate: air fresheners and bathrooms that do things for you.

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    • and it’s not even a good smell! And let’s not get me started on automatic toilets/sinks that refuse to see me because I have no soul…

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      • Automatic toilets are evil. They insult you by implying you can’t be trusted to flush the toilet yourself. They randomly fail to acknowledge your existence. And my biggest fear is that I’ll get so used to them that I’ll forget to flush a normal toilet.

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  2. origcheesemistress

    I tried to be a sugar baby once, but apparently it has to be someone outside your family.
    OOooooh! Rednecky/Southerny/Hillbilly stereotype humor so early in the day! I’m good.

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  3. Aww man I want a sugar-something, I told D his 2nd wife better be in a coma cause once I’m done with my Sugar-other we’re ditching them and running of with my million squid settlement. Of course I told D he had to accept I’ll have to do the ‘dirty’ to get the settlement, but that if he even dares kiss his 2nd wife I’ll be running off with the cabana boy. He agreed….maybe because at the time I was pointing the carving knife in his direction.

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    • Chuckweasel and I had a similar conversation while watching the Sugar Baby show — apparently there are some desperate old dudes out there who I could date for a while and get all sorts of presents. And NOT EVEN HAVE TO BANG THEM! Bonus!

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  4. Please post instructions on how to be a sugar baby…the kind that doesn’t put out.

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    • Dude, I don’t know! This bitch was just all like getting dinners and presents and CASH DAMN MONEY from this dude for like MONTHS before he finally told her to hit it or quit it! I bow down in awe.

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  5. Dude those automatic air fresheners fuck with me. I always think I’m letting out a teeny, tiny fart.

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  6. Oh, man, I HATE those air fresheners. And usually I would rather smell… you know, normal bathroom smells than have my farts partially hidden by Ocean Breeze.

    I was also recently talking about unemployed girlfriends who live off their significant others. The usual complaint is that they don’t DO anything, they don’t do the dishes. Dude… I will clean the SHIT out of your house if that means I don’t have to go to work. Just sayin’.

    I saw papery-cardboard milk crates outside the local grocery store. They are not going to make good shelving units for college kids. What is the world coming to?

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    • you remember how you used to be able to get cardboard boxes from the grocery store when you were moving, so you didn’t have to waste money BUYING boxes? Now they cut all their boxes up in weird ways so you’re stuck with either U-Haul or moving all your belongings in liquor cartons…

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  7. I was a sugar baby for a while. Ahh, memories. Then I had to up and marry him and all the presents and cash money dried up. He said he didn’t need to “woo” me anymore. Oh well, I’m sure he has noticed that some other things have dried up over here on this side as well, if you catch me.

    So what I’m saying is that unfortunately it does not seem to be a LONG TERM career goal. Might want to invest in a back up career path. Like maybe just good ole whoring on the corner. Always lucrative if you ask me.

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    • I know too many of the cops around here to be a successful whore… and they all know my DAD, so that’s bad (the cops, not the other whores… I hope!) And why is it that men think once they buy the cow, the milk is free forever???

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  8. The automatic fresheners always make me think there is a snake of some sort in the bathroom, which is NOT okay.

    Peeing with a toddler in your stall requires you to move a lot, hence the auto-flush, like a ninja, sprays your ass as though you were sitting on a bidet. It is a cross between somewhat refreshing and making me want to throw up in my mouth a little.

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    • I always pre-flush by hitting the little button… just in case I get that surprise ninja-attack flush which sprays water on my bee-hind. I figure at least it’s clean-ish that way.

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  9. So we’re all agreed on the annoying things in bathrooms. I’m with you on all those things. Why do they think we all prefer waving our hands in front of things like idiots. “Hi sink! My hands are here! Can I have some water please?” Then “hi paper towel dispenser! I finally got my hands wet! Can I dry them now?” Grr.

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    • Being invisible to all automatic things, I often find myself talking to them. Which makes my fellow bathroom patrons think not only am I a ghost, but I may also be a CRAZY ghost.

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      • But somehow, muttering “oh for f$#@’s sake. Hellloooooooo” to the sink works! I think they are secretly sound activated and they just put the motion activated things on there to mess with us.

        Do you set of motion detectors on doors? I could never live in one of those big cities with the sliding doors because I wouldn’t be able to get into half the buildings. Unless I wanted to spend half my day jumping up and down in front of sensors. Or shoving people – real subtle-like – into the span of the sensor and scurrying through the door.

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        • I routinely walk into the so-called “automatic” doors at grocery stores and the like. Which REALLY makes me think I have no soul, because I thought those things were activated when you stepped on the mat in front…

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  10. OH MAH GAWD my ex had one of those giant spool thingamabobs. He was so offended when I wouldn’t let him turn it into furniture in our crappartnent. Bastard. I should have used the Cesar SSSSST on his ass.

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    • sounds like somebody’s gettin’ above her raisin’… you slap a little Krylon on them suckers and you is GOOD TO GO! Then all you need is some glasses made out of old jelly jars and it’s time to party!

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  11. Hoody I want a spool! That would be A-1 Wicked! where can I get me one… screw the glass/iron coffee tables… They are so not very functional!!

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    • you used to be able to… ah, LIBERATE them from construction sites and such — anywhere they were using lots and lots of cables.But with these cardboard middles, I dunno if they’ll even work anymore…

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  12. I lived in an area where we had those big spool tables too — ah, memories. We had one that had a few slats missing from the middle, so I turned it on its side and made a cradle for my dolls. I had extremely filthy dolls.

    Cardboard is ruining our reusables.

    I think I prefer the sugar babies candy to being anybody’s sugar baby. I’d rather have a job, not bother to do my dishes, and buy a vibrator. Oh wait….I got married and popped out crotch fruit instead. I’m still not entirely sure of the difference between what I do and whoring, except I get paid in groceries and fabric. Although, technically my job is not to do the dishes but to make the kids do the dishes so they don’t leave home without any useful life skills.

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    • I tried to explain my “Everyone is a whore” theory to Chuckweasel — i.e., nobody ever bangs anyone else for absolutely NOTHING, you’re always getting something out of it, it just may not be actual money. I think he now thinks I want something…which may be true…

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  13. I can’t stand air freshners. The place just smels like shit and pine.

    Mmmm sugar babies candy…

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    • Who decided that pine was a good air freshener anyway? Are people really dumb enough to think my house smells like the forest? If so, they will probably shit on the rug and I won’t have to worry about bathroom air fresheners…

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  14. The super classy country folk over here would have a whole outdoor setting made of the spools, the big ones from I guess the electrical lines and the small ones from the telephone lines…

    As for auto-toilets, we have these horrendous creations in Australia that I hope you guys don’t have to suffer through. They’re called ‘Exeloo’, and local councils replace normal public bathrooms with these inventions of satan.

    You get a set amount of toilet paper (3 lots of 3 squares), it plays Vivaldis Four Seasons to you while you do your business, and it decides how much liquid soap, how much water, and even better, how much TIME you get to do your business. After 10 mins or so, it starts vibrating the toilet seat (the fiance told me this, I’m not game enough to disobey the Exeloo’s commands), and if you wait even longer, it will open the door on you.

    It’s like a humiliation chamber for older guys. They can’t be in and out of a ‘loo in under half an hour if they tried.

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    • That’s got to be against some kind of Geneva Convention or something!!! The only thing worse than that would be those auto-cleaning ones that, if you don’t move around enough, may decide you’ve left and spray the inside with antiseptic!

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      • Oh, I forgot to mention, it does have what I call the ‘rinse cycle’. Every 2 hours or something, it (I imagine) fills up with toxic bleach and stuff, so it always smells like a combination of bleach and wee, and they’re always damp.

        I’d rather the old fashioned public lavvies with essays on mans inhumanity to women (or, if a guy has gotten in to the ladies, a drawing of a dick) than these modern gas chambers.

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  15. Giant spool tables! That takes me back. Friends of my parents had eight kids they somehow squeeze around on as a kitchen table. Nuts!

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    • I was always very jealous of my friends whose parents had spools… and of the little girls down the block whose father was a truck driver, so they always had these ginormous tires laying around!

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  16. Maybe I’ve heard one too many public-bathroom-rape stories (or, you know, seen way too many horror movies), but my internal GONNA DIE warning system goes berserk every time I’m alone in public restroom. Only the ones with stalls though, the individual ones I’m fine. I think it’s something about not being able to see everywhere…

    Lately, one stall in my work’s restroom is always closed, even when no one’s in there. Every time I notice it I pause, then hurry into an empty stall. My ears are hyper-attuned to every tiny sound as I rush through my business. Every sense is on full-blast, so that I can almost feel them spreading around me and out into the other stalls. Every muscle in my body is tense, ready for the fight-or-flight response. If a sudden stealthy noise like what you described actually occurred, I’d bust a me-shaped hole in the door and be out of there before I could get my pants up.

    Er… I’m sure that’s a perfectly normal reaction though. Right? *shifty eyes*

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    • Totally with you on that — I HATE seeing that one mysteriously-closed stall. Even if it has an “out of order” sign, who’s to say the killer didn’t put it there??? I also hate people who leave their shower curtains pulled closed when they’re not using them — that’s perfect killer territory!

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