Which Do You Want First?

Well, we all know that means there’s good news and bad news, right?  So, I’ll start with the good news:

THERE IS ACTUALLY A CUTE O’CONNELL.

Now, I may be all alone here, but I have never been able to get “into” Jerry O’Connell.  Number 1, I can’t forget he’s the fat kid from “Stand by Me;” number 2, he looks like he’s about 17 years old, and Hoody don’t play that; and number 3 — he’s got Rebecca Romijn cooties on him, and she’s got John Stamos cooties on HER, so do the math.

But last night I found out there’s ANOTHER O’Connell brother — Charlie.  He was in this terrible giant squid movie on the Sci-Fi Channel (I refuse to use “Syfy” because I’m not a pretentious douche), but the point is, he’s the younger brother, but he looks like an actual adult.  Plus he obviously doesn’t take himself too seriously if he can be in crapfests like “Kraken.”

Now, the bad news… as we all know, I have a deep-seated and all-encompassing fear of midgets (yes, I know you’re not supposed to say midget.  I am nothing if not NOT P/C.). I feel terrible about it, but there’s nothing I can do — I even try to “fix” myself by watching “Little People, Big World” and shit like that, but nothing helps.  UNTIL NOW.

My name is Hoody Hoo… and I have a crush on Tyrion Lannister.

Yes, he’s the little dwarf brother from “Game of Thrones.”  No, I don’t know the actor’s name, it’s the character I’m talking about.  So apparently I can get past someone being a midget if you’re also a huge smartass whose every word is an epitome of snark.  Plus, he likes the whores, so I think he’d appreciate my job as Deputy Pimp.

So, is it weird?  Do you have any secret actor/actress/fictional character crushes everyone else thinks are disturbing?  Pre-pussified Eric Northman doesn’t count, that’s just logic.

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45 Comments

Filed under I'm Confused, La Vida Loca, My Secret Shame(s), WTF???, Youse Guys

45 responses to “Which Do You Want First?

  1. Maybe this is the first step in getting over your fear of little people.

    I have a thing for Tommy Lee Jones. Yes, I know he’s super old. But I like his voice.

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  2. Who DOESN’T have a crush on Tyrion. I think even lesbians can get behind that dude.

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  3. I hate to break it to you but Charlie O’Connell was “The Bachelor” at one point. Not that I watched it, but the clips I saw of him (extensively made fun of on the Soup, which I do religiously watch), showed him to be kind of a doofus. But maybe you’re into that type? If so, good on ya!

    Hmmm, weird crushes, let’s see. I can’t think of anything too bizarre. I always loved John Cusack & Dermot Mulroney but they aren’t that weird. I’ll have to think on this one and get back atcha . . .

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    • I agree on The Cusack (I’d watch him do his taxes) and Dermot Mulroney… and I think The Bachelorism kinda fucks Charlie O’Connell up for me a little. I don’t care if you’re STUPID, but that’s REEEEEALLY stupid.

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      • Yes, The Cusack doing taxes. But can he be naked too? Or are we afraid of papercuts? Mmmmm, Cusack. Excuse me for a moment, I have to, um, go, well, dry my hair? Yes, that’s it. I’ll be back in a few minutes . . . .

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  4. I have a thing for Benicio Del Toro…I have no idea why because he always looks dirty, like in the he may be homeless kind of way and not the I have candy in my van kind of way…

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  5. Swamp thing. Remember those movies? Yeah, I have a crush on swamp thing….

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  6. Alan Jackson, about whom (who? I don’t fucking know.) I had crazy pregnancy dreams involving a golf cart.

    Dr. House. Not necessarily in real life, but the character. Addictions and all. I have a strange attraction to complete assholes.

    Ricky Gervais.

    Jim Gaffigan, in his albino glory. He seriously about makes me pee when he does his Hot Pockets bit, and being able to make me laugh guarantees I’ll drop my pants.

    I’ve never seen this Game of Thrones of which you speak, but I’m about to search it on ye olde cable box.

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    • Alan Jackson — sorry, I work for country radio, I can’t be attracted to anyone who whines in my ear all day! Dr. House — never seen the show, but the actor is cute in a “we met at rehab” kind of way. Ricky Gervais — YES! He falls into the Eddie Izzard hot funny Brit category. Jim Gaffigan — funny, but not gettin’ any from Hoody… he’d make me look too dark and all our pictures would look like photo negatives!

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  7. Oh man. If you’re afraid of little people, never, EVER watch this porn called Santa Comes Twice.

    Wait. Can we say porn here? Guys? Guuuuyyyysss?

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    • I was trying to figure out why you were watching little people porn, then I re-read the title and realized. ELVES.

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    • Of course you can say porn, I think we all know what porn is (I myself once read an article about it in the New England Journal of Medicine!). And I think the most disturbing thing about this whole set of comments is not that you were watching little people porn, but that you were watching CHRISTMAS porn. That just ain’t fittin’.

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  8. I find it strange that anyone is afraid of little people. I mean, they’re little. As in, smaller than you…. To be fair, though, I’m afraid of being romantically linked with anyone who is mentally disabled. As if people meet someone with Down’s Syndrome and think, “Oh, you’d be perfect for Andi!” I’m pretty sure this is linked to a childhood trauma of being hugged by a mentally disabled guy and mercilessly taunted by my family for literally, years afterward. Adults can be so cruel….

    ANYWAY. Strange celebrity crushes. I like people who act gay. I watch LOGO sometimes to drool over their actors — not because they’re cuter than average, but because I find their mannerisms oddly attractive.

    I also like bald guys, which I blame on Captain Picard.

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    • Captain Picard goes without saying — TOO cute! And I think my midget fear started with my fear of nutcrackers, which then evolved into a fear of any kind of doll with teeth (thanks, “Barbarella”!), which then morphed into a fear of small actual people. Plus I have heard they are exceptionally strong for their size, and I don’t want to find out if that’s true.

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  9. I’m glad mistyslaws beat me to telling you Charlie has Bachelor cooties. That’s a whole lot of cooties, man.

    Celebrity crushes: Pierce Brosnan, Aidan Quinn, Liam Niesen (yes, I love the Irish boys), Bruce Boxleitner, Kevin Kline. Oh, and Natalie Portman – I’d turn for her in a second.

    The wavy red line says I misspelled everyone’s names. I choose to believe that is because the wavy red line isn’t a fan – I’m too tired to Google right now.

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    • Yep, you bitches have ruined the only semi-decent O’Connell. The Bachelor cooties are even worse that second-degree John Stamos cooties. I have to agree with all yourother choices except Kevin Kline — he doesn’t flip my switch — and I’d like the caveat that I only really want the YOUNGER Bruce Boxlietner!

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  10. Oh, god, Jerry O’Connell creeps me the fuck out, and I am 99.9% certain he and Jerry Trainor from “iCarly” are the same damn person.

    Your crush on Peter Dinklage (actor who plays Tyrion) is not all that unusual. I’ve run into lots of ladies who think he is hot stuff.

    My disturbing celebrity crush? Steve Buscemi. Like you, I go for the quirky snark.

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    • what IS it about that guy? every time I see him, I feel a little uncomfortable. And those bitches can get in line, ’cause that hot dwarf ass is MINE.
      Steve Buscemi — for me, he goes a little TOO far into the “hey, I got some candy in my van” category… but to each her own!

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  11. I love George Clooney. Some people find that disturbing. Those people are known as jealous sonsabitches.

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  12. Pre-pussified Eric? AHMAHGAHHHD, love it.

    I kinda crush on the Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg 90s characters in their digital shorts. The slick shirts, polka dots, cheeseball goatees… reminds me of my budding sexuality in the early nineties. HA.

    Johnny Knoxville, even though he’s so damn stooopid.

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  13. SassyO

    John Cusack. That is all. That boy has made me swoon for 20 years.

    Also Jon Stewart. (I like ’em smart and snarky, apparently)

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    • OHGAWD The Cusack! I lurrrrve him! And I also dig Jon Stewart, but I had a bordering-on obsession for Craig Kilborn when he did the Daily Show, so maybe it’s a carry-over.

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  14. Chris Cochran

    Still my first and greatest crush Elivira (the original not that “Search for the new Elvira” …thing.

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  15. Tyrion is amazeballs.

    My weird-ish crush is Jay, of Jay & Silent Bob. Cannot explain it.

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  16. Spike the vampire.
    Not the actor, but the character. So maybe it’s Billy Idol as well… and the Australian comedian/smartarse Paul McDermott (if you ever had Doug Anthony All Stars over there, he was the short mean one).

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  17. OHMYGOD I just did a happy dance (for real) because I’m reading game of thrones right now and Tyrion is hilarious. I haven’t watched the show yet, but knowing HBO it will be spectacular. Yay for Tyrion!

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    • The shows are GREAT! I somehow missed the books when the series started, but DSM got them for my birthday (so only a little over a month til I can have them!) And the FIFTH one just came out… aaaargh!

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  18. 1. Fuck “SyFy”. Who the crap taught these people how to spell?
    2. Midgets scare the shit out of me.

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    • It really pissed me off when they switched it — it’s “SCIence FIction”, not “SYence FYction.” And we wonder why the kids today can’t spell “cat” if you gave them the “k” and both “t’s”.
      And you should come to a craft store with me and Dear Sweet Mama — we literally have to RUN through the nutcracker room (why is there ALWAYS a nutcracker room?)

      Like

  19. Shunpike

    My weird crush is John Hurt, at any time in his life. Any. Including now.
    Now to run away and hide.

    Like

  20. Pingback: Mystery Solved! | hoodyhoo

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