There is a house I pass on my way to work that has a sign in the yard that says “Prepare to Meet Thy Lord.” Which seems to mean I’m supposed to be throwing a party for God, and I don’t know how to plan it.
For instance, is He bringing Jesus? ‘Cause if Jesus comes, I can just buy bottled water instead of wine and let ol’ J.C. do his thing. But will Jesus be bringing His mom and step-dad? ‘Cause they’re fairly orthodox Jews and that means I have to keep the menu kosher. And I’ll have to buy new dishes… maybe I can just get a fish and a loaf of bread and call it a day.
Also, is this a small, private party or will the Lord be inviting His business associates? And if so, which ones? This menu is getting tougher and tougher… I’ll have to have the vegetarian option for Buddha, and something non-alcoholic for Mohammed to drink, and we can’t have burgers if any of the Hindus are coming or they’ll get pissy and start playing keep away with the Pope’s hat… That’s also gonna factor into what day to have the party ON…
And I don’t care if it is the Lord’s party, Joseph Smith is not allowed in my house.
hoodyhoo 
Oh I was at the hospital with my mom last night (gotta love emerg.) Anywho Jesus was there… did you know he drives the wiskey bus? Man can’t even figure out how to lock the bathroom door!
To be honest he’s so totally waisted that I doubt he will be able to read the invite, let alone invite other people.
I hate to say it but I think that you would be best to make friends with the red guy down stairs. He has a lot more fun! And make it a pot luck! Problem solved.
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My Grammer is FANTASTIC! wasted waisted…you know same shit different pile!
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that’s odd, usually people find Jesus in prison…
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I think he went to my high school, actually. Jesus, I mean.
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That’s because so many gangstas in prison are named “Jesus”.
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I always wondered what He was in for…
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“Party on, party people, lemme hear some noise. DC’s in the house, jump jump for joy….” <———-Totally your fault this is in my head now.
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“there’s a party over here, a party over there, wave your hands in the air, shake your derriere. . .” Crap. . .it’s stuck in mine now too.
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Both of you need to cut that shit out, yo!
Whoomp, there it is . . . indeed.
:p
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I love you people.
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I think your party sounds like a blast!! But, maybe that house is where Darth Vader has taken up residence and he was inviting you in for tea!
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Aah, shit. If I’d known it was the SITH Lord, I totally would’ve knocked on the door!
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This line brings me great joy: “And I don’t care if it is the Lord’s party, Joseph Smith is not allowed in my house.”
Absolutely. You cannnot be too careful with someone like THAT.
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and he’d bring WAAAAY too many chicks with him!
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Hahahaha!!!!
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Gees, my first thought was they must live on a very dangerous curve or that they were tellign you they owned a vicious dog. Could you sneak over there and put a ‘wipe your feet’ sign under it?
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oddly enough, the house IS on a blind curve AND they have a dog that chases cars! Maybe it’s a public service announcement?
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This is one of my favorite conversations with you. I think we can drive The Concubine fairly crazy with this one – along the lines of “The Letters Back to Paul from the Corinthians.
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“Dear Paul,
Got your letters, but we’re really busy right now. Do you think you could maybe summarize this shit?
Love,
The Corinthians”
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Yeah, I thought it meant that THEY were hosting the big guy and wanted you to get ready before you entered the house. You know how embarrassing it could be if you walked in all unsuspecting with a “Fuck yeah, let’s get this bitch started, woo-hoo,” only to realize the all-holier-than-thou one was standing right there. It’s like when you accidentally say FUCK in front of your parents. Awwwkkk-ward!
Pretty sure Joseph Smith would be smited if he walked in on that party. Or at least, I am hopeful of that.
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I would totally swear in front of Jesus, but probably not in front of his mom.
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Maybe they’re just covering all the bases just in case bat shit crazy is right about the Rapture. “Cause you know he’s going to come up with another date sometime.
And as for “preparing”, that’s kind of vague, isn’t it? I mean, is this a formal occasion, or is business-casual appropriate? Do I need to dig out the false eyelashes and get a spray tan? Because right now, I’m wearing a Perry the Platypus t-shirt and sweats, so some major transformation is going to have to occur.
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Well, ol’ JC is usually pretty casual, what with the sandals and all, but you just know some of the Hindus are gonna show up all decked out in gold saris and shit and make the rest of us look like crap.
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Last time I was in Kenova, I saw a big sign outside what looked like a crackhouse converted to a “church”, which said “Turn Aside From Fornication!” It was next to a daycare place.
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But if you turn aside from fornication, there’s nothing to do in Kenova!
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I’m not sure if “Prepare to meet thy Lord” is a threat or a promise. It does say THY Lord, not THE Lord. I guess that means you prepare for whomever you usually worship. So if you’re a Satanist, you’re gonna need a couple of goats, some chalk, some candles, a large flat concrete slab…..I dunno. I’m not a Satanist. If you’re Wiccan, you might have to walk around naked because they’re supposed to be “sky-clad.” This could make the view in places like Berkeley a lot more interesting.
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oh crap. So I better make a sign that says, “The Flying Spaghetti Monster is a GUEST, not a buffet.”
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🙂
Make sure you invite me, when you get all the details worked out because I have got QUESTIONS!
Ain’t no party like a heavenly party cuz a heavenly party don’t stop,
Pearl
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I hope we can get Jesus to bring his garage band… you know, the Herald’s Angels?
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As an escaped Catholic, I feel pretty sure that this pope wouldn’t be invited to the party.
I’m also confused about the attire for this party. I feel that any god we’d want to party with would be pretty casual. Maybe a jeans and pearls type event? In which case sardines and crackers, fish and loaves…yeah.
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Can we get the old Pope back? Zombie Pope would be better than Nazi Pope.
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The only issue I see is that John Paul II was so beloved that no one would run from him. He’s the whole reason I walked away from Catholicism rather than running, screaming, like I should have. So…I don’t know that a zombie that draws people to him is a good idea.
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JC knows how to throw down like a mo-fo, y’all.
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LOVE IT! But don’t Slim Jims have pork in them?
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Joseph Smith always ends up with a lampshade on his head and hat with your gold jewelry and candlesticks in it. And he doesn’t even drink. Sheesh.
And that sign is most definitely a threat.
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and then he starts telling people “secrets” the candlesticks told him, and it’s just embarrassing for everyone.
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Totally related in my head: there’s a high school I drive by on my way to work with a sign that says, “What comes before Part B? Part-ay!” But I keep reading it as Plan B. Which would also probably hold true.
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I think both versions are valid — and I’m glad I’m not the only one who misreads signs in hysterical ways!
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You’ll also need to prepare for that awkward moment when the WBC crowd shows up with their signs and God’s all, like, “well, no, actually, I don’t hate any of those things.”
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And everybody will be drunk by then, so Buddha will be all like, “Hey, Yahweh, there’s some people out here sayin’ you hate flags… why’d’you hate flags, man?”
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I will be there partying like it’s 1999, because, well, it could be because it’s God and all.
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I think God just parties like it’s 9.
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I hate that they never tell you when the Lord is coming. What if I’m in the shower and miss him? Could he call first? Send out an Evite?
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This is exactly like my Dear Sweet Mama’s fear that she’ll get Raptured while she needs to pee… what if the Lord shows up while I’m on the toilet? Will he leave a note like the cable guy?
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