Okay, so Chuckweasel and I had to drive out to the edge of fuckin’ NOWHERE the other day to check out the venue for a class reunion, and it is TIME to adjust our rates, y’all.
First off: The BFEe — Fairly self-explanatory; if for some reason you want to have your party in BFE, you will pay the BFEe. Addditional surcharges apply if the “road” to get to your venue is A) one-lane; B) GRAVEL; or C) BOTH.
Also, the Deliverance Charge. Now, this is not to be confused with a deliverY charge, this is the DeliverANCE charge. You pay this if I so much as THINK I hear a banjo.
Donations must also be made to the Steve Irwin Memorial Fund (which helps support my desperately-needed liquor consumption after a trip like this) if I see any animal on the side of the road that makes me yell, “What the fuck is THAT?” (Chuckweasel says it was a Cooper’s hawk, I say Mothra. Yes, I know Mothra is a moth, not a bird, but I had no time for taxonomic specifics when it flew up at my window.)
There will also be Sheila Support. (We call our GPS voice “Sheila.”). You pay this if I ever look down at Chuckweasel’s iPhone and the GPS has frozen up due to lack of cell service If Sheila cannot find you, you owe us Sheila Support. ESPECIALLY if your idea of giving directions is “Ah hope y’all kin fahnd it!”
Seriously. I can’t decide if this event is one at which I SHOULD be drunk or should most definitely NOT be drunk… I done seen the state police office out there already, an’ it’s real close by…
hoodyhoo 
I think the Deliverance charge should be close to a million dollars.
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seriously, we passed a really scuzzy looking side of the road bar that looked like the set of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre — the bar’s name? No shit… it was “Butcher’s.” NO THANK YOU.
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Man. Deliverance rates. Damn, hoody. I am worried about you. I would say, though, that your best bet is to not get intoxicated yourself.
Reminds me of christmas a few years ago. Thrown together with my new BFE “stepbrothers,” I craved the drink like a sailor five days out in a lifeboat. But I couldn’t, you see, because then I would have had to offer THEM some, and they were the kind of guys who start picking fights with their own mommas when they’ve had about half a beer, so I had to sit there and bear it.
These were the guys who showed up for Christmas dinner in camouflage.
Anyway, back to you: BE CAREFUL.
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I’m currently leaning toward — “drunk enough before you go so you’ll keep a pleasant but not fight-picking buzz throughout.” And the event is at a public school, so I’m FAIRLY sure the guests won’t be drinking… inside.
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I hope y’all don’t get raped by a bunch of hillbillies, but if you do, yell suuuuuuueeeeyyy alot. I don’t know why, it just goes with the Deliverance theme.
BTW, I will not give up an oppurtunity to name drop: I knew the author of Deliverance, James Dickey. He was the poet-in-resident at the University of South Carolina here in Columbia. He was also extremely weird.
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that’s gotta be one fucked up motherfucker… if YOU call him weird….
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My vote is for drunk…I think banjo music sounds less creepy when it falls upon inebriated ears.
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there’s a fine line between drunk enough not to kill somebody and still sober enough to keep my wits about me!
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Sounds like you’ve been pulled into Swamp Heifer country. Mention loudly more than once that you leave for Basic next weekend, keep your wits about you, and if anyone associated with the venue suggests you go to a third location, dig your heels in and yell “Fire”.
Pearl
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and I’m so sad my brothers couldn’t come with me, seein’ as how they’re all in prison…
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Deliverance charge. Damn, that would be a hefty fee.
And I dare you to play the theme from Deliverance during the event. Just sneak it in there somewhere in the middle. On second thought, if might make the locals feel all sexy, as you know it is the official redneck white-trash WBGV mating call. You don’t want to incite the locals into an orgy I guess. Unless you bring your camera. And make sure Chuckweasel stands behind you at all times.
(P.S. Thoughtsy and I are gonna try to meet at the Ren fair or Charlestown race track sometime in October . . . you in?)
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Also? Saw this and thought of you:
http://www.crazydogtshirts.com/servlet/the-1829/paddle-faster-i-hear/Detail
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LOVE the shirt — and I’ll check my schedule and letcha know!
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People would be in trouble if my brother (also a DJ) charged extra for GPS getting lost. I went on a road trip with my parents last year and Mia, the GPS, kept asking us to get back on the road. It seems the road between Ten Sleep – population 304 – and Hyattville – population 73 – has not yet been charted…
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we have some of those roads here, too — Sheila is very unhappy about them!
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The GPS always loses signal in Bumblefuck. It bugs the shit out of me because HELLO- I DON’T KNOW WHERE THE FUCK I AM. I live in civilization, with the rest of the dental-hygenie enthusiasts. DON’T STRAND ME OUT WITH WITH CAPTAIN METHTOOTH, SHEILA!
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HYGIENE. Damn. I’m embarrassed to say I had to look up the spelling of that.
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I kinda like the idea of a hygenie. He could pop out of a lamp and brush Captain Methtooth’s single remaining tooth…
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Isn’t most of WBGV BFE? No wait, that’s Kansas.
We call our GPS Hillary. Swear to God, she tells me to make an illegal u-turn all. the. time. She lives on the edge.
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Ten points of street cred for naming your fucked-up GPS after Mrs. Clinton.
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Sheila is a big fan of telling us to turn right when there is no right to be made. She doesn’t believe in one-way roads, either.
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Ned Beatty had the hardest part.
Also, class reunions in and of themselves need to be charged extra. That and family reunions are my vision of hell.
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“Ned Beatty had the hardest part…”
THAT’S WHAT HE SAID!!! ((chortling with laughter like a coked-up teenager))
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Ned being a method actor I wonder if he faced the dressingroom mirror that morning and asked himself, ‘what is my motivation?’
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you guys are sooooo fucked up. I love y’all!
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first, you made me laugh out loud – awesome! And I would absolutely ask for a deliverANCE charge, and explain that if there are any further mothra sightings there will be further charges for having to retain Godzilla as a bodyguard.
Thanks for letting me pop in and hope you don’t mind if I bring cookies next time 🙂
sars
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Welcome! And if you bring cookies, can I dip them in scotch?
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I also vote that you have the Carnie Wilson charge for all of the time, effort, stress and Spanx we pile upon ourselves in an effort to be thin for the reunion. Or we could just have the Roseanne Barr charge for extra Doritoes and Slurpees when we say “Fuck it. I got fat.”
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I am actually kinda terrified by the prosect of seeing all these redneck hillfolk all tarted up for their big night out!
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My Father (73) insists on using his GPS all the time. We’ve had to wait in the driveway while he programmed it for Burger King. Maybe I can set him up as your roadie…..but no heavy lifting he herniates easilly……
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Chuckweasel and I did that too when we first got Sheila… we’d leave work and have her tell us how to get home, mocking her pronunciation all the way. No wonder she keeps trying to kill us…
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I would do a per mile charge on anything outside city limits, and a waiver for the killings that may happen if someone tells you you have a “purdy mouth”.
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((shudder))
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“We are not responsible for the death of anyone who A) speaks to us or B) looks at us funny.” I need that waiver all the time!
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I can’t improve on the above comments. I would just charge them as much as I thought I could get away with, and bring weapons.
Yeah, we own weapons. What of it?
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Chuckweasel frowns upon me bristling with artillery when we go places. He’s weird that way.
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Drunk, really, really drunk. Then pop a 5 Hour Energy. I second the weapons comment. Lots of luck, and lots of booze….
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it’s going to require very skillful timing — I don’t want to sober up TOO soon!
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“Ah hope y’all kin fahnd it!” Yup … I used to get directions like that all. the. time. when I was a reporter in Virginia. It was always, “You’re gon’ come to a tree stump.” Or “Whin ya see the cows …”
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my favorites are the ones with “You know whar ol’ Joe-Bob’s barn wuz ‘fore it burnt down?” No, sir, I do not know that. Nor do I know “whar” your cousins got in that wreck that time, or the location of most of your teeth.
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I named my car Sheils, no kidding, got her in february, and for some reason decided her name is Sheila.
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you say this like it’s somehow weird to name your car…
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Truer words were never spoken.
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thanks! I’m like freakin’ Nostradamus over here!
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