Okay, so Chuckweasel and I had to drive out to the edge of fuckin’ NOWHERE the other day to check out the venue for a class reunion, and it is TIME to adjust our rates, y’all.
First off: The BFEe — Fairly self-explanatory; if for some reason you want to have your party in BFE, you will pay the BFEe. Addditional surcharges apply if the “road” to get to your venue is A) one-lane; B) GRAVEL; or C) BOTH.
Also, the Deliverance Charge. Now, this is not to be confused with a deliverY charge, this is the DeliverANCE charge. You pay this if I so much as THINK I hear a banjo.
Donations must also be made to the Steve Irwin Memorial Fund (which helps support my desperately-needed liquor consumption after a trip like this) if I see any animal on the side of the road that makes me yell, “What the fuck is THAT?” (Chuckweasel says it was a Cooper’s hawk, I say Mothra. Yes, I know Mothra is a moth, not a bird, but I had no time for taxonomic specifics when it flew up at my window.)
There will also be Sheila Support. (We call our GPS voice “Sheila.”). You pay this if I ever look down at Chuckweasel’s iPhone and the GPS has frozen up due to lack of cell service If Sheila cannot find you, you owe us Sheila Support. ESPECIALLY if your idea of giving directions is “Ah hope y’all kin fahnd it!”
Seriously. I can’t decide if this event is one at which I SHOULD be drunk or should most definitely NOT be drunk… I done seen the state police office out there already, an’ it’s real close by…