A new season is almost upon us, Hooligans, and that can only mean one thing… it’s time once again to dive into the batshit-insane-but-damn-I-still-want-one vortex that is… The Oriental Trading Company Catalog.
(FYI, I also got the Halloween issue of the O.T.C.’s “Fun and Faith” catalog — fine purveyors of the much-beloved Christ in a Cup — but I’m saving that post for awhile ’cause Chuckweasel says I need to lay off on the Lord for at least a week or it’s bad luck. But stay tuned — a Christian-themed HALLOWEEN catalog is guaran-damn-teed to make my head explode!)
But there’s still plenty to go around in the heathen catalog, so let’s take a look, shall we?
And so it begins — greyish-brown cotton candy labeled “Werewolf Hair.” We had that when I was a kid, too… we called it “dryer lint.” Shit tasted AWFUL.
Alright, I know kids like gross shit, but Ear Wax? Gummy Ear Wax??? SERIOUSLY???
On to bulk candy… skittles and starburst, check… shitpot of candy bars, check… I’ll even accept those nasty-ass Sixlets because they are, technically, chocolate… But Welch’s Fruit Snacks??? Yeah, you should definitely buy those… the neighborhood kids need to save their money for eggs and toilet paper.
Pro-tip: When we put a skull-and-crossbones on something, we are generally trying to indicate that it is POISON. We do NOT, therefore, put it on a box of mints and give it to children to EAT.
Pretzels and popcorn. You. Cheap. Cocksuckers.
Hard plastic rings with SPIKES on them… well, kids come with 2 eyes anyway…
But SYRINGE PENS??? Please see “Death Mints,” above. See also, “Barbie’s First Crack House.” Oh wait, they’re not intended for kids under 3. Well, that’s different, you’re probably tired of them by then!
PENCILS??? For TRICK OR TREAT??? Do you LIKE your tires?
And now, before I close out what looks to be Part One of a series (still a lotta pages to go, mah brothahs and sistahs), allow me to explain something. That, right there, is a cowboy-boot-shaped glass. Those are not PURCHASED, my friends. They are EARNED, via a large purse and an inattentive waitress.
Next up… oh, fuck, PILGRIMS.