The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

A new season is almost upon us, Hooligans, and that can only mean one thing… it’s time once again to dive into the batshit-insane-but-damn-I-still-want-one vortex that is… The Oriental Trading Company Catalog.

(FYI, I also got the Halloween issue of the O.T.C.’s “Fun and Faith” catalog — fine purveyors of the much-beloved Christ in a Cup — but I’m saving that post for awhile ’cause Chuckweasel says I need to lay off on the Lord for at least a week or it’s bad luck.  But stay tuned — a Christian-themed HALLOWEEN catalog is guaran-damn-teed to make my head explode!)

But there’s still plenty to go around in the heathen catalog, so let’s take a look, shall we?

And so it begins — greyish-brown cotton candy labeled “Werewolf Hair.”  We had that when I was a kid, too… we called it “dryer lint.”  Shit tasted AWFUL.

Alright, I know kids like gross shit, but Ear Wax?  Gummy Ear Wax???  SERIOUSLY???

On to bulk candy… skittles and starburst, check… shitpot of candy bars, check… I’ll even accept those nasty-ass Sixlets because they are, technically, chocolate… But Welch’s Fruit Snacks???  Yeah, you should definitely buy those… the neighborhood kids need to save their money for eggs and toilet paper.

Pro-tip:  When we put a skull-and-crossbones on something, we are generally trying to indicate that it is POISON.  We do NOT, therefore, put it on a box of mints and give it to children to EAT.

Pretzels and popcorn.  You. Cheap. Cocksuckers.

Hard plastic rings with SPIKES on them… well, kids come with 2 eyes anyway…

But SYRINGE PENS???  Please see “Death Mints,” above.  See also, “Barbie’s First Crack House.”  Oh wait, they’re not intended for kids under 3.  Well, that’s different, you’re probably tired of them by then!

PENCILS??? For TRICK OR TREAT???  Do you LIKE your tires?

And now, before I close out what looks to be Part One of a series (still a lotta pages to go, mah brothahs and sistahs), allow me to explain something.  That, right there, is a cowboy-boot-shaped glass.  Those are not PURCHASED, my friends.  They are EARNED, via a large purse and an inattentive waitress.

Next up… oh, fuck, PILGRIMS.

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34 Comments

Filed under Jesus and Pals, La Vida Loca, Weep for Humanity, WTF???

34 responses to “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

  1. I cannot wait to hear about the christian Halloween catalog…

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  2. Dear Sweet Mama

    My favorite is still New Testamints for your Easter basket.

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  3. We had one of those boot glasses when I was young. That was a prized possession. You mean I can just up and buy me one now??? Damn, I need to get me a catalogue, STAT!

    Also, thinking about eating “werewolf hair” made me throw up in my mouth a little.

    Bring on the Christian right’s version of the Devil’s holiday. This should be sumpthin . . .

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  4. What?! Skull and crossbones on candy?! Did I read that right?

    When did people get so stupid?!

    Pearl

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  5. Oh my gosh how I love that catalog. I can totally talk myself into needed a gross of bouncy balls. But wait! You get free shipping if you buy FOUR gross of bouncy balls! We could drop them all off the roof at the same time! And 576 balls is only $8!

    And is that little plastic spiders I see? Because we SO need those.

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  6. Christ in a cup? Does he make his own noodles? My husbands favorite expleteive (ok, he’s a former marine- all expletives are his favorites) is,
    ‘Christ on a coconut!’ is that featured somewhere?

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    • Christ in a Cup is actually callled the “Jesus Ascension Kit” in which you tie a little cut-out of Jesus onto a string and yoink him up into a cup covered with clouds that is supposed to represent Heaven. It’s one of the reasons God is displeased with us!

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  7. Jen

    I fucking want the Amy Winehouse syringe pen. . .that sounds amazing. Last year my boys went to three houses that gave out stickers. Not a sheet of stickers, mind you. One. Fucking. Sticker. Suffice to say, I think you know just who got TP-ed that year.

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  8. I always buy the good candy — not because I worry about TP but because then I can sneak the good stuff for a few days before I put it out on the porch. Kit Kat, Reeses, Hershey, Snickers, M and Ms, et cetera.

    In fact, sometimes I pre-Halloween in my own candy bags in case the crotchfruit don’t get anything I like. Look, it’s part of parenting. You take your rewards where you can.

    I don’t know about the skull and crossbones but someone needs to invent Mr. Yuk candy. Remember Mr. Yuk? That would be hilarious and awesome.

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    • I do the same with the candy. And I buy A LOT so there is always some left to snack on. Which also happens as I fill the bowl. And as I’m waiting for trick or treaters. Pretty much I’m screwed from October to November.

      I remember Mr. Yuck. And they should sell the most delicious candy in it, so that only us in the know will eat it. Then again, kids probably have no idea who that is, yet all the parents would probably avoid it because it is ingrained in our psyche that Mr. Yuk means bad news. Hmm, I’m gonna need to work on this theory more . . .

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  9. dear god, you need to be on twitter.
    or are you on twitter, and i just don’t know this??? enquiring minds wanna know!

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  10. i always get bent about trick or treatin. 364 days a year, we tell the kids, “don’t take candy from strangers!” this year, imma up my rant by addin the bit about skull & crossbones motif 😉 excellent post! i think it’s my fave.

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  11. OMG! I love this catalog, and your Pro-tip about the mints! LMAO But I can’t believe they got away with that one!

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  12. I remember Mr. Yuck. And they should sell the most delicious candy in it, so that only us in the know will eat it. Then again, kids probably have no idea who that is, yet all the parents would probably avoid it because it is ingrained in our psyche that Mr. Yuk means bad news. Hmm, I’m gonna need to work on this theory more . . .
    +1

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  13. No one gives candy out in my hood at Halloween. It’s why I moved here.

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  14. Pingback: Oh F**k, Pilgrims | hoodyhoo

  15. I know you said the cotton candy tastes nasty…but I feel like I have to try it anyways. Is that wrong?

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