Tag Archives: Trickery

Iiiiiiiii-KEA! (Gesundheit!)

Alright, it’s confession time in the Hoody Hoo Household again, Hooligans.

mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa, Lord, I am not worthy to receive thee…

My name is Hoody Hoo… and I hate IKEA.

Hear me out:  That fucking store, besides being the absolute antithesis to originality in decorating, is also a goddamn roach motel.  They get you in there and you CAN’T.  GET.  OUT.  You have to follow those motherfucking footprints and/or arrows wherever the Overmind cares to take you, no matter what you actually came to shop FOR.  And those so-called “shortcuts?”  Fuck you, IKEA, those take me further out of my way than if I just walked through the entire store.  ALL I WANTED WAS THE BATHROOM!

But really, the only reason I ever even darken their door is the Swedish Meatballs… BUT those Swedish bastards have made sure I can’t get to the Cafe until I’ve walked through EVERY.  DISPLAY.  EVER.  And don’t go thinking you’ll slip past ’em by going to the Food Stand outside the checkout — those motherfuckers have pizza and shit — which I can get AT HOME, IKEA!  Grrrr…

I do not appreciate this, Sweden.  Your duplicity has been duly noted.

In fact, as my contractor whose brother lives in your fair country told me:

“You know what they call IKEA in Sweden?”

*
*
*
*

Wait for it

*
*
*
“WalMart.”

Watch your asses, Sweden.  You’re one recipe away from complete obsolescence.

P.S.  Last trip, The Concubine bought IKEA-brand drinking straws.  IKEA’s straws suck.  In that they do NOT.  Suck, that is.  Fuck you, IKEA.

 

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Filed under Getchore LEARN on!, Jesus and Pals, La Vida Loca, My Secret Shame(s), WTF???

Here’s Where It Gets Tricky

Okay, so everyone now knows the general Rules of Crap Films and Television.  But what about the wastes of celluloid that DON’T fit the categories?  Never fear, there’s always a way to tell:

WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING (pt. 2)

1.  You’ve watched for 10 minutes.  Will there be a Christmas?

  • YES.  You are watching A Big-Budget Holiday Comedy.  Vince Vaughn/Ben Stiller/Tim Allen will learn a valuable lesson through the healing power of the holiday season.  The End.
  • NO.  You are once again watching a Hallmark movie.  Have you learned nothing?
  • There is a HOWEVER:  If there WILL be a Christmas, but you’ve never heard of any of the actors, this is ALSO a Hallmark movie.  Be on the lookout for John-Boy Walton and his mole, they’re in a lot of these.

2.  Is there a Sad Clown and/or a Cigarette left smoking in An Ashtray?

 

  1. YES.  You are watching A Foreign Film.  Set your house on fire and join the Witness Protection Program.

 

  • EXCEPTION:  Is there ALSO an Unattractive Naked Person who used to be hot but is now in no possible way anywhere near hot?
  1. YES.  You are watching An Oscar Contender.

All that being said, I’d like to return to Question #1 for a moment.  Why the fuck have I never seen a movie in which Endearing-But-Poverty-Stricken Children/Talking Rodents/A Kindly-But-Misunderstood  Stranger has to save HANUKKAH?  I mean it.  I want to see little Jewish mice frantically working to repair a clock so that Hanukkah can go on as scheduled.  I want to see a Nice Old Man teaching a small town the symbolism of the eight nights.  So far, the closest thing I’ve found is Shari Lewis and Lamb-Chop starring in a video about the Passover Seder, and that’s just fucked up on its very own level.

No one ever saves Kwanzaa, either…

 

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Filed under At the Movies, I'm Confused, Jesus and Pals, WTF???

Fun at Parties

In honor of the seemingly-endless stream of CRAP being viewed on this household’s TV this season, it’s time for everyone’s favorite game.  Gather round, boys and girls, and let’s get ready to play:

WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING?

Let’s get started:  Girl Meets Boy.

1.  Does Girl like Boy?

  • A. Yes.
  • B. No.  STOP.  You are watching a Nicholas Sparks movie.  Girl will grudgingly go out with Boy, then they will be separated by something beyond their control, then Girl will have an epiphany – “But I LUUUUURVE him!”  And Boy will end up dead.  The End.

2.  Girl DOES like Boy…. Does Boy like Girl back?

  • A.  Yes.  STOP.  Refer to Answer 1B.
  • B.  No.

3.  Boy DOES NOT like Girl.  Why?

  • A.  Boy is oblivious.  STOP.  You are watching a Lifetime movie.  Girl will die and Boy will be sorry, that motherfucker.  The End.
  • B.  Boy is imaginary.  STOP.  You are watching “Charmed.”  Stop that, he’s mine.
  • C.  Boy is unattainable.

4.  Boy IS UNATTAINABLE because:

  • A.  He is of a different social standing.  STOP.  You are watching A(n) (H)istorical Romance.  Someone is going to be executed.  The End.
  • B.  He is of a different social standing BUT love conquers all.  STOP.  You are watching a Disney movie.  For verification, check for things singing that should not be able to sing, i.e., rodents and teapots.
  • C.  He is a vampire.
  1. Subquestion:  Boy is a vampire.  Is there glitter?
  • A.  Yes.  STOP.  You are watching Twilight.  Das ist verboten.
  • B.  No.  STOP.  You are watching “True Blood.”  Carry on.

OR OPTION D:  NONE OF THE ABOVE

5.  NONE OF THE ABOVE apply.  Unattainable Boy CAN be obtained, but only if Girl:

  • A.  Completes a Quest.  STOP.  You are watching a Sci-Fi/Fantasy Movie.  There will be either dragons or spaceships, Girl’s only Friend will die, and Boy will probably not like Girl anyway, but Girl will be the better person for it.  The End.
  • B.  Abandons her Friends and Family with much Wailing and Remorse.  STOP.  You are watching a 1980’s Teen Drama.  This will not end well, but you have Haagen-Daas.  The End.
  • C.  Puts out.

6.  Girl must PUT OUT to obtain Unattainable Boy.  What happens?

  • A.  It happens in Creepy Wooded Setting.  STOP.  You are watching a Horror Movie.  Anyone who has sex will die, the call is coming from inside the house, and any evil killers previously presumed to be dead will end up not being dead.  Underwear may feature heavily.  The End.
  • B.  It happens in a Non-Wooded Area.

7.  Girl PUTS OUT in a Non-Wooded Area.  And?

  • Girl is hot.  STOP.  See Answer 6A.
  • Girl is NOT hot.
  1. Subquestion:  Are Girl’s Friends hot?
  • Yes.  STOP.  You are watching an After School Special.  Boy will leave Girl for her Hot Friend, possibly after Knocking Girl Up and Giving Girl Herpes.  The End.
  • Girl has no Friends.  STOP.  See Answer C1A (Yeah, Twilight again).
  •  No.  STOP.  See Answer 5B.

Of course, there are simpler versions, such as:

  1. You’ve watched for 10 minutes.  Will there be a Christmas?
  2. Is there a Sad Clown and/or a Cigarette left smoking in An Ashtray?
  3. Is there an Unattractive Naked Person who used to be hot but is now in no possible way anywhere near hot?

We’ll cover these and more contingencies in our next lesson.

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Filed under At the Movies, SCIENCE!, WTF???

The Plot Thickens

As we all know, Chuckweasel is constantly attempting to get me murdered (raccoons and hobos and zombies, oh my!), but that hasn’t worked, so now he has turned his attention to getting me arrested or perhaps just Tazed.  Allow me to illustrate:

Scene:  The Drive-Up Book Drop-Off and Pickup area behind the Creepy-Ass Library

Hoody is standing at the window, returning her old books and picking up the next batch, when she realizes she has an overdue fee.

Hoody Hoo:  Crap, my purse is in the car… Lemme get his attention.

Waving motions toward the car a few feet away ensue, but Chuckweasel is texting and therefore paying no attention.  Finally, he looks up and pulls forward.

HH:  Gimme a dime, I have to pay my fee.

CW (handing over the dime):  If you don’t pay it, are they gonna put you on “Fugitive Files?”

HH:  Yeah, I’mma be on “COPS” and the Library Police are gonna go all SWAT team and kick my door down.

That’s when our heroine looks to her right…

AND SEES A

MOTHERFUCKING

DEPUTY.

Yes, Hooligans, the Library Police are REAL.  We are ALL so fucked.

P.S.  And I know you saw that goddamn deputy, Chuckweasel, and you were trying to get me in trouble for mocking the Library Police!

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Filed under Chuckweasel, Just Call Me Beavis, La Vida Loca, WTF???

Can’t Make It Up

Cleanin’ out the ol’ C.T. … just a few inexplicable situations in which I’ve found myself lately:

1.  HUGE Brass Balls

Scene:  Hoody Hoo is attempting to ascertain why her cable/phone/internet are all out, so she calls the company.  Following the automatic prompts, this happens:
HH:  *enters home phone number*

HH:  *enters last 4 digits of SSN*

HH:  *presses “5” to “report a problem”*

HH:  *presses “1” for phone outage, because although EVERYTHING is out, there’s no option for that*

Cable Company Recording:  “If you are in the ((hugely long list of pretty much every town in Wes’BYGAWD Virginny)) areas and are experiencing problems, please be aware our technicians are working to restore your service… If you would like to make a payment, please visit us at stupidcableassholes-dot-com.”

HH:  REALLY???

2.  Sharpen Those Skills

Scene:  Hoody Hoo is in the checkout line at Walmart, and the manager-looking types nearby are discussing an inventory issue.

Manager-Type # 1: “Well, it looks like they sent half a case of this and half a case of that but marked it down as a full case of that…”

Checkout Girl (muttering):  “Which is what I just said, a little bit ago, but you weren’t listening then and you’re not listening now…”

Hoody Hoo:  “Oh, you’re just practicing talking.”

Checkout Girl erupts in surprised cackle of laughter.  Manager-Types are not amused.

3.  Do You Know Who You Called?

Hoody Hoo is on the phone to Pizza Joint.

Pizza Joint Gal:  “Hello, thank you for calling Pizza Joint, can you hold please?”

HH:  “Sure, no problem.”

Phone is laid down on counter BUT NOT put on hold, so we still hear:

PJG (to another customer on the phone):  “No sir, we don’t do paninis. <pause> No, we don’t do that either. “<pause> PJG yells to the kitchen: “Hey!  Is there a calzone special?” Back to phone: “I’m sorry, we don’t have that either. <very long pause> “Okay, that’ll be $85.”

PJG comes back to Hoody’s phone:

HH:  “Did you just get an order for $85 from somebody who doesn’t even know what you serve?”

PJG: “I KNOW, right?  We’re on the damn internet!”

Then, as those of you who follow me on teh Twitter may have noticed, what can only be termed “The Pizza Wars” began as the not-quite-right delivery dude fucked up my order so many times I almost went to burn the building down… but it all worked out in the end!  In fact, it may be time for another order…

 

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Filed under I'm Confused, La Vida Loca, Reality Bites, Weep for Humanity, WTF???

Apparently I’m “It”

Thanks so much for all the love, support, and offers of ass-kickin’ assistance yesterday, now let’s get to the good part:

Tag!

The lovely and talented and utterly-unafraid-of-getting-her-ass-kicked-for-taking-pictures-of-weirdos-in-the-street Misty passed along “Tag!  You’re It!” to myself and several other wonderful blog artistes.  That means I have to answer some questions… ’cause she’s a lawyer and she scares me.    ; )

1.  Book or movie and why?

Book.  Number one, I read pretty much CONSTANTLY (yes, even on the toilet), and number two, I often find my own imagination is better than the screenwriter/director/whatever’s.  Not to say I WON’T see the movie, but I generally like to have read the book first.  And if I find out I’m watching a movie that’s based on a book and I didn’t know it, I will immediately go out and find that book and read it.  Because I’m a nerd and a film major, and that’s how we roll.

2.  Real book or e-book?

Real.  Can’t beat the smell of the paper, the feel of turning the pages with my actual fingers.  I’m like Admiral Kirk in that way.  Plus, I think the whole Kindle thing is a trick.

3. Funniest thing you’ve done in the last 5 years?

I’m assuming this means funny to others, because I amuse the fuck out of myself pretty much all the time.  And I really don’t know for sure… but it probably involved me doing something stupid and proceeding to injure myself.  I’m good at that.  Oh, and there’s also this.

4.  Do you put yourself in the books you read/movies you watch?

Not… really.  I empathize with the characters, of course, but mostly I’m just along for the ride.  There HAVE been some very fucked up dreams, though.

5. How would your best friend describe you?

Well, it’s you guys, so I hope it’s “one funny motherfucker.”

6.  Favorite kind of car and why?

One that runs.  That is all.

7.  Would your choice of party be a catered meal or a barbecue out back?

As long as I’m not RESPONSIBLE for the party, either is good.  If I’m in charge, catered meal:  Hoody can’t take that kind of pressure!

8.  What’s your favorite season and why?

Hmmm… I really love fall, the way the air smells and the changing leaves.  But I also hate it a little because I know it means winter’s coming.

9.  What important lessons have you learned?  Spiritual, educational, and occupational?

Spiritual:  There is no one “right” way.  You gotta do what feels best for you.

Educational:  Virtually everything I learned in college is now obsolete, but I still think everyone should have to go for the mind-broadening.

Occupational:  The people I work with/for are fucking rock stars.  I would not have made it through all the drama I’ve dealt with without their understanding and support (or y’all’s, either!).

10.  Besides writing, what’s your favorite thing to do when you get some extra time?

I don’t know what this “extra time” thing is, I feel like all I do is work and sleep!  I really need to spend MORE time writing, but there’s that whole “sleeping” problem…  I do like to dick around on the internet and read, but I’m usually doing those things while doing something else at the same time.

11.  What’s one place you can be found at least one time every week?

*sigh*… Walmart.  I grocery shop once a week and that’s where I do most of it.  They carry my basic staples:  catfood, Sprite, booze and refried beans.

ANNNNNNND scene.

Whew, that’s done.  Now I’m supposed to pass this on to 11 other people, but Hoody don’t do rules.  So I’m passing it along to ALL the members of the Royal Court.  That’s right, bitches.  YOU’RE “it.”

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Filed under Aw, Getchore LEARN on!, I Rule You, La Vida Loca, My Secret Shame(s), The Royal Court, Youse Guys

As Seen… In the Garbage (Pt. 2)

Getting back to our regularly scheduled program, we were discussing the horrible crap I have bought off the TV because I can’t seem to stop myself.  Let’s run down the list, shall we?

Fuckin’ Eggies.  And we all know how that turned out

The Infamous Slap-Chop:  Interesting fact, when that extremely annoying dude on the commercial says it’s a great stress reliever, he has no comprehension of just how much stress I apparently have.  Yeah, I broke that fucker the first time I used it.

Red Devil Grill & Picnic Set:  This one I actually did end up sending back — because by the time I received my portable grill and folding picnic table, I had remembered an important fact.  That being, that I don’t go anywhere and I hate the outside.

Tae Bo:  Hurt myself. Duh.  Also did myself a damage trying to learn Celtic Dance from a VHS tape.

Real Minerals Makeup:  It does indeed give your skin a healthy “glow,” but that glow is orange.  Like Snooki-eating-Cheetos-orange.  Not a good look.

And my latest foray (no, I have NOT learned my lesson): Sift and Toss Cat Litter Liners.  I still maintain that this SHOULD work; it’s basically a disposable sieve that you put under the litter, then you just lift it up, sift, and toss.  Unfortunately, the Horde didn’t read the directions on the box.  They proceeded to dig up the sievey-part and fold the plastic liner into a kind of a tent… which they then peed on.  FAIL.

It hasn’t been all bad, I have had success with at least a couple of the ridiculous things I have wasted money on — stay tuned for that on Monday!

Also, be sure to check out the recent additions to the Royal Court!  Remember, YOUR name could be up there someday — ahnd may the ahds be evah in youwuh favuh!

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We Interrupt This Important Message

As promised, I have plenty of other tales to relate of my strained relationship with “As Seen on TV” products… but Dear Sweet Mama reminded me of my very first foray into the world of retail lies… the 100 Little Dolls.

Imagine, if you will, Little Hoody (maybe 10 or so?), sitting in her room, reading her comic books.  Now, back in the day, the very back page of comic books was always a veritable cornucopia of crap you could get through the mail: X-ray Specs, Postage Stamps of the World, Cigar Loads, etc… and one day, 100 Little Dolls.

100… Little… Dolls…

“MAMA!!!!”

“What?”

“Can I have $14.95 for 100 Little Dolls?”

And so, despite DSM’s desperate attempts to convince me that “you get what you pay for,” and “if it sounds too good to be true, it usually is,” I diligently filled out the little card and sent in $14.95 (plus shipping and handling) of my hard-earned allowance money (and remember, this is back in the days when your allowance MIGHT get as high as $5 a week if you were especially useful and good) and sat down to await the arrival of my 100 Little Dolls.

Six to Eight Weeks Later…

A tiny box arrives on the porch, addressed to me.  It’s about the size of the box you would use to wrap a coffee mug as a present, so I’m perplexed.  What could it possibly be?  I haven’t ordered anything except my 100 Little Dolls, and the box is FAR too small to contain them!

It did.

My $15 worth of 100 Little Dolls was, in fact, 100 little plastic figures (like little green army men, but not as high-quality).  They were dressed in what I assume were meant to be “costumes of all nations,” but you couldn’t really tell, because they were all unpainted Dollar-Store-Barbie-doll pink.  AND while there were indeed 100, some of them were DOUBLES!  I’d been TRICKED!

That’s when DSM imparted to me the great P.T. Barnum’s theory regarding suckers and the rate at which they are born, and a family legend began.  Now, whenever one of us is considering an unwise purchase, all the other has to say is… “One HUN-dred Little Dolls…” and order is restored.

Still pissed about those dolls, though.

UPDATE:  There have been some additions to the Royal Court!  See, kids, dreams CAN come true!

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As Seen… in the Garbage

I’m back from FCC Hell, and I’ve had something percolating in my wee pointy head ever since the infamous Eggies Incident.  And that is this:

WHY DOES EVERYTHING YOU BUY OFF TV HAVE TO SUCK SO HARD???

Seriously, in my lifetime, I have been the proud owner of many an “as-seen-on-TV” item, and with very few exceptions, they have all been the instruments of Satan.  It all started back when I was but a wee slip of a lass (shut up!) and Dear Sweet Mama purchased something called… The Doggie Dooley.

The premise was this — you buried this thing in your yard, and put the doggie… um, doolies… in it, then sprinkled some mysterious powder (looking back, it was probably Quiklime) over it and ta-freakin’-da — the offending canine waste would disappear, having been absorbed back into the ecosystem.

Bullshit.  Well, dogshit.

What this thing was, was basically a bucket with a lid and no bottom.  And you put the doolies in it, sprinkled on the magic powder, and ta-freakin’-da!  You still had a bucket of dog poop in the yard.  So we went back to the tried-and-true redneck method of dogshit removal (i.e., huck it over the riverbank when no one’s watching) and left the Doggie Dooley to its own devices.  Eventually the riverbank shifted and buried the useless thing, so that was that.

Except…

Dear Future Historians:  If you find what appears to be a bucket buried at the site of the Childhood Home of Hoody Hoo… don’t open it.

THAT IS NOT A TIME CAPSULE.

Stay tuned — I have more and crappier products still to come!

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W.W.w.W. III

We rejoin our intrepid adventurers as they set out for the reason they went to Pittsburgh in the first place: The Grandview Saloon.  I am a little bit of a steak snob, so finding a steak place other than Ruth’s Chris that I won’t find any fault with is rare (see what I did there?).  But DAYUM, the steaks at this joint are SOOOOO GOOOOD… so good, in fact, that Chuckweasel and I spend part of each visit pondering whether the reason they’re so good is that it’s actually people-meat.  If so, I say bring it on — with extra au jus!  We had the porterhouse (a trick we learned from Ruth’s Chris, by the way, when the waiter told us to order that instead of a filet and a NY strip separately — it’s the same thing!) with roasted red skin mashed potatoes, then valiantly restrained ourselves from ordering dessert since we had a car-car ride ahead (we did stop for ice cream later, but that was LATER).

But I cannot mention The Grandview Saloon without telling the tale of the first time the Weasel took me there.  Now, being of the male persuasion, CW is (of course) what you might call… directionally-challenged.  And, because he’s of the male persuasion, he won’t admit it.  This resulted in what I still refer to as “The Death March.”

Allow me to set the scene:  The Grandview is located on Mount Washington, right next door to the Duquesne Incline.  Remember that name, it will become important later.

I had never been to Pittsburgh at that time, so CW was very excited to show me the inclines, which are admittedly extraordinarily cool.  Our plan was to ride up one and ride down the other… those of you who are familiar with Pittsburgh will see where this is going…

The Grandview is located beside the DUQUESNE Incline.  We rode up the MONONGAHELA Incline.  Which you can’t even see from there.  But remember, I had never been to Pittsburgh, so when CW said the restaurant was “right by the incline,” I had no idea he was talking out his ass.

This resulted in The Death March, during which CW kept trying to prevent his death by assuring me the restaurant was “just on top of the hill.”  Which it is… but not the FIRST hill… or the second… or the sixth… But at least when we arrived at the restaurant, he was able to restrain himself from pointing out that it was indeed beside the incline… the OTHER one.

Which we rode down, thinking we’d avoid Death March Part 2, only to discover the only way back to our car was to walk along the river… through the creepy construction site… basically at the corner of Rapeton and Youshotmeburg.  And I, having consumed mass quantities of Iron City (hey, I was dehydrated from the Death March!), REEEEEEEEALLY needed to pee.

CW suggested I pee anywhere I liked, as the area was deserted and it was dark.  I was however wearing a SKIRT, as was fairly sure I would either pee all over myself or fall in the river if I tried.  Then I saw it.

A Porta-Potty.

The skies opened, the angels sang, and I scuttled toward salvation… and you know what?

IT WAS LOCKED.

And yet, the Weasel remains alive to this very day.

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