Now, don’t get me wrong, I am ABSO-FUCKIN’-LUTELY a staunch supporter of the Affordable Care Act. I would not have any goddamn health insurance at all without it, and I’ve been there, it sucks. And I know the healthcare industry is all fucked up, and I know there’s not enough doctors, and everything.
But still… this ain’t right.
CALL #1 (Yesterday, ’round noonish)
Voice: “Hello, Doctor ___’s office.”
HoodyHoo: “Hi, I need to make an appointment?”
V: “Okay, have you been here before?”
HH: “No, my insurance company assigned me to y’all.”
V: “Okay, what’s your name?”
I proceed to tell her, then spell my whole real name three times, then my first name an additional three times, because A) 5 letters is too hard or B) I have a speech impediment.
V: “And what insurance do you have?”
HH: “Broke-folk Insurance.”
V: “Okay, can you hold please?”
Note: When there are this many “okays” in a single conversation, things are not going to end well.
V (returning): “What was your name again?”
I spell the whole name one more time.
V: “Okay, do you have your card in front of you?”
HH: “I sure do.”
V: “Okay, can you read me your ID number?”
V: “And the doctor’s name on the card?”
HH: “Doctor _______.” (um, the same name you said when you answered the phone…)
V: “Okay…” <long pause> “And what’s your phone number?”
I give it.
V: “Okay, we’re going to have to look something up on the computer and call you back.”
I am somewhat perplexed. Surely she could look and see whether or not they took my insurance WHILE we were on the phone? But… maybe they have dial-up, whatever.
TWO HOURS LATER, WITH NO RESPONSE
HH: “Hi, I called earlier today to make an appointment and someone was supposed to call me back?”
New Voice: “You called today?”
HH: “Yes, a couple of hours ago.”
NV: “Hold on, I’ll get her.”
Short hold, then a Different Voice: “Susan?”
HH: “No, this is Hoody. I just needed to make an appointment as a new patient?”
DV: “Oh, okay, hold on.”
At this point, I licked my insurance card and stuck it to my forehead because that suddenly seemed to make more sense than what I’d been doing.
Third Voice: “Hello?”
HH: “Hi, I needed to make an appointment?”
3V: “Okay, hold on.”
After yet another hold, FOURTH FUCKING VOICE: “Hi, this is Linda.”
HH: “Hi, Linda.”
And Linda was finally able to make me a goddamn appointment… in October. Now, granted, all I need is a new patient checkup, but she told me there’d be a 3-month wait BEFORE she asked if there was anything wrong.
And people wonder why us Broke-Folk use the ER as our regular doctor.