Well, we’ve already established (several times) that I am obviously NOT afraid of going to Hell… but that does NOT mean I am completely fearless! (Stop crying, Tazer.) Fortunately, my fears tend toward the… completely ridiculous…
1. Nutcrackers, dolls with teeth and (I’M SORRY!) midgets
This ridiculous fear started with the terror that is nutcrackers (which I inherited from Dear Sweet Mama), then metamorphosed into any doll whose teeth you can see after I saw the movie “Barbarella” where the evil little girls try to get their dolls to eat Jane Fonda (another reason little white girls should never be trusted!), which logically leads into a fear of midgets. Sorry, “little people.” But I figure if I’m fucked up enough to be afraid of an entire group of people, political correctness is the LEAST of my worries! It’s like having a phobia of Frenchmen or something. I feel TERRIBLE about it.
2. The theme music from “Tales from the Darkside”
Toldja they were ridiculous. I honestly CANNOT hear that music without getting freaked the fuck out and having nightmares (thank Goddess for DVR and fast-forward, back when we had to watch things “live” DSM had to make sure I left the room before it came on!) Looking at the creepy photo-negative image they use is not good either, but I can handle that as long as I don’t hear THAT MUSIC!
3. Geese, ducks, any large-ish bird
This one has good reason behind it — a Canada goose once blacked both my eyes when I tried to feed it a barbecue sandwich (maybe he was a Muslim goose and he didn’t eat pork?). Fuckers are STRONG, yo.
4. Locusts/cicadas/whatever the fuck you call those devil bugs
Some of you may already know this story, but when I was a wee tiny Hoody, my elementary school class went on a trip up into the scenic mountains of Wes’BYGAWD Virginny during what (unbeknownst to me) turned out to be one of those 7-year locust outbreaks. Fuckers were EVERYWHERE. And then, as me and my little friend were walking along the trail… a locust landed on my shirt — THUD! And hung on with its horrible feet, and I looked down into its evil red eyes, started screaming, and ran off. Yes, ran away from something that was STILL ON MY SHIRT. And I almost ran off a cliff. So locusts tried to kill me… and they wanted it to look like an ACCIDENT…
5. Disheveled shelves in stores
Like at Christmas or if there’s a blizzard warning or something? And you go in and the bread and shit is all flung to hell and back and you actually have to step OVER items to get around? Yeah, I can’t take that. This is why I stay home on Black Friday and never, EVER go to places like Gabriel Brothers.
AND BONUS, just to freak all y’all out, too:
Those little microscopic bugs that always live on our skin, no matter how much you wash. You’re welcome.