Tag Archives: Books Books Books

Money for Nothin’

And if you’re not singing the Dire Straits song right now, I don’t know if we can still be friends… although that song uses the word “faggot” and I try not to use hurtful words like “faggot”… you motherfuckers…

So if you’ve been keeping up with the rest of the class, you’ll remember that Hoody is currently a wicked drain on your tax dollars unemployed.  But I can’t find me no job, and here’s why — everything I wanna be just won’t work.  Let’s examine our choices, shall we?

1.  Pirate

DUH, of course I wanna be a pirate, of the Captain Jack Sparrow variety, not the Somali kind (which is good, ’cause I’m not Somalian).  On the plus side — I have my own swords and I have no problem with holding knives in my teeth.  Also, I like rum and hush puppies, which according to this placemat I got from a seafood restaurant is all pirates eat.  I even know all the words to the Jimmy Buffett song about being a pirate.  But you know there’s gotta be some…

CONS

A.  As previously mentioned, not Somalian, which is really the only type of pirate you hear about nowadays.

B.  Startup costs appear to be pretty fucking high.  Apparently I would need a pirate ship, some poofy pants, and at least 2 or 3 “scurvy dogs” to act as crew, and that’s the bare minimum.  And I can’t get an estimate on a ship because the Chris-Craft guy had my number blocked, the scurvy dog.  I know where you live, Eugene.

2.  Dian Fossey for Squirrels

Dear Sweet Mama;s neighborhood has A LOT of squirrels, so I figured this one would be a cinch.  I started out by naming all the squirrels:  Too Fat, Gretzky (who knocks the other squirrels over), Tebow (who is most often the victim of the knocking over), Lucky (who has a bald patch on his tail where he got away from some other critter), and Other One.  Then I realized it was not to be, all because of one insurmountable

CON

A.  I have no tail.  And it seems that more than half of squirrel communication (Squirrelese) involves twitching or shaking the tail.  So I could not communicate with my subjects, making the experiment invalid (and earning me the name “Enormous Retarded Hairless Squirrel Who Gives Us Nuts”).

3.  Stephen King

Yeah, that job’s already taken.  Scurvy dog.

So I’m open to y’all’s suggestions as to how I should get off my lazy ass become a productive member of society.  But remember my handicaps:  Not Somalian, got no money, got no tail, and am not Stephen King.  Go from there.

 

 

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Filed under Random Thoughts, Wild Kingdom, WTF???, Youse Guys

Hey, Dumbass!

Well, it seems Hoody Hoo’s Help for Hebrews isn’t taking off as the big successful  get-rich-quick scheme humanitarian effort I was hoping it would be… so I’m forced to make me some damn money help others in another way.

Ladies and Gentlemen… the Dumbass Alert.

This will be an app for one’s phone which will alert one to the fact that one is being a dumbass.  It originated when Dear Sweet Mama got the same book out of the library that she had just turned in… because she thought it looked good.  And I told her, yes, it DID look good, that’s why you got it the first time… dumbass.

So the Library Function is first:  I need to be alerted if I go to check out a book I have checked out within the past 3 months.  This will also prevent me thinking I’m smart because I “figured out” who the killer was when I actually just remembered it.  Not that I’ve done that…

Next, the Grocery Function:  This prevents me from buying excessive amounts of… let’s say, ketchup… because I always think I’m out of ketchup whenever I’m at the store.  Again, not that I’ve done that…

But in case you didn’t know, there really aren’t that many good recipes that use massive quantities of ketchup…

Now, I just needs me a nerd to make this App for me (I’m not that kind of nerd, unfortunately – I’m more of an Amish nerd.).  And no, it’s NOT free, that would set my own Alert off, now wouldn’t it?

 

 

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Filed under Adventures with Dear Sweet Mama, GENIUS!, La Vida Loca, SCIENCE!

W.W.w.W. II

Okey-dokey, to continue the tale of the Wonderful Weekend with Weasel, Chuckweasel had passed out like a hibernating bear in the hotel room and I had gone downstairs to read and watch the weirdos.  And although the book (11/22/63, the new Stephen King) is VERY good, I found myself too busy texting reconnaissance to CW to read very much at all.

Here’s just a sampling of the things I sent… not knowing CW was already pretty much down for the count:

“There are people down here in their jammies and Persians constructing entire sentences out of swears.”

“I’m in the Randolph Duke chair, judging.”

“We also have sad, sad white boy who will not score with business gal.”

“Way-too-dressed-up honkys carrying their White Folk of the Year plaques… toasting each other with ice water…”

“Running tweens with words written on their butts… now being chased by security…”

“Alert! The tweens have eluded security!”

“And they’re headed for the street in their flip-flops and “Juicy” pants.”

“Tweens’ mom has joined the search”

“New set of tweens… these with post-shower towels on heads”

“Have spotted another operative watching and texting… DO I HAVE A GREEN LIGHT???

“Third set of tweens wearing swear-to-Christ underpants as shorts”

“Security has now enlisted the bellmen to help corner the tweens… one of whom just threatened to “go pee outside.”

“Older set of nekkid girls has arrived at bar… their friend told them not to talk to “too many strangers.”

((Brief intermission whilst our operative visits the facilities))

“Back in position… tweens in bar with drunk mama.”

“sad white boy may score!  left with business gal!”

“Why am I the only one wearing real pants?”

“are you supposed to smoke inside? ‘Cause people are.”

“That tux is so rented.”

“Business gal’s friend is sad and alone…”

“AAAAAK! Thought dude had on a t-shirt — it is HAIR!”

“they came back to get sad friend…”

“who is… a HOOKER! Just saw negotiations go down, ergo, business gal is also charging sad boy by the hour”

“6 honkys leave, 2 remain… fat girl and unfortunate Starsky and Hutch facial hair.”

At that point, the hotel staff began gathering to drink at the bar, so I made my exit and went upstairs to hassle Chuckweasel for sleeping through such hilarity.  Again, no pictures, (sorry, Misty!) — my phone camera takes too long to “turn on” and this action was mile-a-minute!  Have to work on that…

Tune in tomorrow for our exciting conclusion… Sunday lunch at the steakhouse that may in fact be serving people!

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Filed under Chuckweasel, I Rule You, Just Call Me Beavis, La Vida Loca, On the Road Again, Twu Wuuv, Weep for Humanity, WTF???, Youse Guys

Don’t Know Whatcha Got…

‘Til it’s gone, ya know.  And since my poor car is currently on the list of things that are gone (damn transmission!), I thought I’d offer y’all a little gem I made up for The Book of Face ages ago (reworked slightly, of course!).  I present:

THINGS I WILL MISS WHEN THE WORLD GOES TO HELL

INNA BUCKET

  1. Central Heat may in fact be the thing I miss absolutely the most.  I freakin’ HATE to be cold and a fire just don’t cut it.
  2. Liquor/wine/beer I don’t have to make for myself.  Check out my high school chemistry grades if you think me trying my hand at moonshinin’ won’t end in blood.
  3. This one got tooken from me already (thanks, pancreas!): The freedom to eat whatever I want, whenever I want.  Still, I figure I’ll look back at chicken and rice FONDLY when all there is to eat is looter-meat.
  4. Being able to go places . Walking sucks and horses can be assholes, so it’s really not worth it.
  5. Water I don’t have to boil or filter… wait, I live in Wes’BYGAWD Virginny, I don’t have that NOW.  How about, water I don’t have to CARRY?
  6. Hate to say it, but I will miss the hell outta TV.  Oh, idiot box, we hardly knew ye.
  7. Books, especially new books.  Stephen King ain’t gonna be cranking out the next bestseller when the crops need a-sowin’.
  8. The ease of communication.  Even with Kevin Costner delivering the mail, he still can’t beat the phone and the interwebz.
  9. STORES!  Much as I hate to shop, if I need a new outfit, I go out and buy it.  If Laura Ingalls wanted a new outfit, she freakin’ MADE IT.  Suffice it to say, when the End Times come I’ll be wearing a potato sack.
  10. Meat I don’t have to catch, raise or kill.
  11. Antibiotics — sometimes you really gotta hand it to the White Man’s Medicine.
  12. Strangely enough, the government.  It was nice having someone to blame.
  13. The ability to be SURPRISED by the weather (“well, hot damn, it’s snowin’!”).  An agrarian society won’t have that luxury.
  14. Speaking of luxuries, how about safety, security and just general fuckin’ around time… say bye-bye to all that!
  15. Toilet paper, and while I’m at it, Kotex… and while I’m at THAT, Monistat.
  16. PAPER… FUCKING… TOWELS.  You think it’s funny, but you know how pissed off you get when you’re out?  Now imagine that’s FOREVER.
  17. Music I don’t have to make myself.  All I play is clarinet, and that badly.
  18. Vitamin tablets.  Gonna get the scurvy.

And because I couldn’t leave y’all without some serious deep thoughts to ponder all weekend..

19.  The way it feels to live your life NOT having ever had to kill someone.

20.  The ineffable luxury of being able to feel pity.

So that’s it — time to get one of those Australian dogs and attach knives to our hubcaps.  THUNDERDOME!!!!!!!!!!!

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Filed under At the Movies, GENIUS!, Getchore LEARN on!, I Rule You, La Vida Loca, Only in Wes' BYGAWD Virginny, Weep for Humanity, White Man's Medicine

Gather ‘Round, Kiddies

Sometimes I wonder why I’m like this… then I remember the children’s books I grew up reading…

In the Night Kitchen

Dude, saw that kid’s penis.  ‘Nuff said.

Oh, and also?

PENIS.

Where the Wild Things Are

What do you do with the book that gave MY en-tire generation the screaming nightmares?  Oh, yeah, let’s make it into a MOVIE to fuck up the next batch!

The Secret of NIMH

Messages:  1)  Your government is EVIL.  Sleep tight.

2) Rats and mice and everything else have their own lives and                          personalities… AND THEY HATE YOU.

Then you had to go and make the movie version with the distressingly uber-hot Justin Rat… way to fuck up my nascent sexuality!

And while we’re on movies… “Dot and the Kangaroo.”  SERIOUSLY?  I remember the Bunyip, the Bunyip, and nothing but the Bunyip.  I’m 35 years old, and if you sing the Bunyip song, I will lose my shit and hide under the bed.  Plus, I’m now freaked out by cave paintings.  Thanks, Australia!

‘Nother movie, “The Last Unicorn.”  “Mama, what’s suicide?”  “It’s what you feel like committing after watching that movie, sweetie.”

And here’s a tip — ANY. TOLKIEN. EVER. is far too advanced for little kiddies, so WHY did you make a CARTOON? (look it up, children).  That they showed us in GRADE SCHOOL?  Yeah, that’s a fabulous idea… and the reason you can make me pee my pants by saying “My PRECIOUSSSSSSS.”

That’s not even addressing the fact that my DAYCARE CENTER showed us “Creepshow” (yeah, still don’t swim in lakes with those wooden docks in ’em).  COME ON!

I’m sure I’m forgetting something… what scared/scarred you?

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Filed under At the Movies, La Vida Loca, WTF???

Ask Me No Questions…

… I’ll tell you no lies… well, actually, I’ll probably lie anyway if I think you’ll buy it.  Anyhoo, let’s get to know Hoody, shall we?

1.  You see a bright flash of light.  Do you look?  Hell, no — child of the 80’s, I know it’s the freakin’ Russians.

2.  You win the big money Lotto.  Do you quit your job?  The real job, fuck yeah.  The DJ stuff… maybe not.

3.  Franks and Beans or Beans and Franks?  Neither, they’re both gross.  I do, however, love to sing the “Beanie Weenie” song.

4.  If you could change anything about your body, what would it be?  I want tight abs.  But these will have to happen due to magic, not exercise.  ‘Cause Hoody don’t play dat.

5.  You’re bored.  What do you do?  Read, watch TV, or both… or dance around the house like a crazy person doing my “routines.”

6.  Something weird is on you.  How do you identify it?  Unfortunately, I usually lick it.  I am all too aware this is NOT a good idea.

7.  Worst habit?  Nail biting and/or picking.  And, no, that nail polish that tastes nasty doesn’t work, I just get used to it.

8.  Most ridiculous fear?  Dolls with teeth, nutcrackers, and therefore, midgets.  I’m SORRY, I’m WORKING ON IT!

9.  Go get your iPod and hit “Shuffle.”  What plays?  “Break on Through” by The Doors (and yes, I do sing the lyrics as “break on THOO”)

10.  Do you ever wish you were the opposite gender?  Of course, every 28 days or so!  And also, so I could FINALLY use the insult, “How’s your wife and my kids?”

Alright, Hoody’s Hooligans… it’s your turn.  Answers in the comments, and tomorrow is multiple choice!

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Filed under I Rule You, La Vida Loca, My Secret Shame(s), Random Thoughts, University Challenge, Youse Guys

Another TRICK!

This post idea came to me from a conversation with Chuckweasel, who has nothing to do when his cable goes out because he does not read.  He swears the last book he read was “Runaway Ralph” in the 3rd grade.  I’m not entirely sure that’s a joke.  Which I find weird, because I myself read EVERYWHERE.  Even on the toilet.

Yes, THE MAN is at it again, my brothas and sistahs, trying to keep us DOWN with his VILE TRICKERY!

Here’s the Mike Sorentino:  Everyone’s all got their panties in a wad about Kindles and iPads and what-have-you so they can read electronic books.  That’s good, I want uneducated fucktards to read every chance they get, in the hopes they may someday develop a dual-lobed brain.  But therein lies the TRICK.

See, if everybody gets them a Kindle, they won’t be buying real BOOKS.  And you know what you need to read a real book?  A light source and eyes (or just fingers, if you’re blind… but if you’re blind, how are you reading this?). 

You know what you need to read a Kindle?  ELECTRICITY.

So if you buy a Kindle, you’re basically making yourself the power company’s bitch (even more than we all already are).  Batteries don’t last forever… and do you even have a deck of real cards to play Solitaire anymore?  And if you ever want a NEW Kindle book, you’re gonna have to pay that Internet bill, too.

This also crosses over into the OnDemand on the TV.  Now, I love me some OnDemand, because I notice I really don’t watch the movies I own, so it’s cheaper this way.  BUT… if you don’t pay the cable, you’re stuck with YOUR movies… which include such classics as “Lair of the White Wyrm”  (on VHS, bitches!) and “Weekend at Bernie’s.”  Even the stuff you “taped” on the DVR  while you still HAD cable… nope, can’t have that either.  FUCKERS.

So all this technology that is supposed to make life easier/better/more fun is actually just yet another way for THE MAN to make sure all us happy workers keep paying our bills.  BUT I AM ONTO YOU, “THE MAN!”  I will read real books by candlelight and watch every episode of “Firefly” AGAIN if I don’t have the money you want!  I am FREE!

But when my service/power/whatever goes out due to something YOU did?  Fucking fix that shit, what is this, Guam?

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Filed under Chuckweasel, GENIUS!, La Vida Loca, Reality Bites, SCIENCE!, WTF???