Okay, here it is: what you’ve all been waiting for… the insanity that is the Oriental Trading Company’s “Fun and Faith” Catalog of Christian Halloween fun!
Jesus-themed treat bags: “What would Jesus do?” He wouldn’t beg for Snickers door-to-door, ya fat bastard.
Oh, Pumpkin flashlights that say “Shine with the Light of Jesus!” The intent: “I’m staying safe AND showing my faith!” The result? “Doctor, can you remove this Good n’Plenty from my son’s left nostril?”
Oooooh, we skipped RAPIDLY to the “less pagan” (or so you think) Thanksgiving selections, dintcha? Word of advice? An ornament that says “The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few; Ask the Lord of the Harvest to send out his workers into the harvest field.”… um, yeah, it’s in the Bible, but it WASN’T ORIGINALLY YOUR IDEA… Plus, it makes me think of Thomas Tryon, and that gives me nightmares. Fuckers.
A squirrel that holds a sign that says “Thank you, God, for all that you give.” Squirrels, I have found, are generally Buddhists.
And here’s where I DIDN’T go with the secular catalog: the breast cancer awareness stuff. FUCK. ALL. Y’ALL. EVERYONE has the right NOT to die of breast cancer, not just the members of your little club!
Religious/Scripture bookmarks… will Jesus get mad if I use it in the latest Sookie Stackhouse? And while we’re here in paper supplies… why do these calendars go past October? Y’all DID say…
Fake tattoos with Christian themes: “This fake tattoo proves I love the Lord! A real one would brand me a sinner.”
Okay, now you’re going too far: “Wanted by God” Old-West style posters? No, stop that. “D.O.G.” stands for “Depend on God”? No, no it does not. Nor does “F.R.O.G.” stand for “Fully Rely on God.” You’re embarassing yourselves.
GRRRR! Dear Sweet Mama looked HIGH and LOW for those cheap-ass folding fans and we didn’t find none ’til we went to the weird shit store at the beach! But y’all Christians can get all the fans you want that say “Smile, Jesus loves you!” What, so us heathens need to get USED to the heat?
And lastly… probably would have been a good idea to fill in the word “Faith” in the “It’s All About Faith” fill-in-the-blanks posters. Leaving that sucker blank GUARANTEES a phone call along the lines of “Mrs. Hoo-Weasel? We need to discuss the fact that Petey seems to think it’s all about gravy…”
Yours in Christ,