Category Archives: SCIENCE!

Stone Tablets, Aisle 10

MISSED CONNECTIONS

To the crazy bitch behind me in line at the self-checkout:  You know who you are.  You were standing so close to me I feel like we’re dating now.  Seriously, you were all up in my bubble, man.  Don’t act like you don’t know what you did, who raised you?

Oh, and I guess your mom must be coming over for dinner – I noticed you got that wheat-grass-gluten-free-organic-locally-sourced bullshit pasta she likes.

My parents were right.  I never should have married you.

But seriously, it’s obviously time for some new Commandments up in here.  I mean, no offense to Ol’ Mo’, but the Patriarch just never had to deal with shit like this, so I present to you:

THE COMMANDMENTS OF SELF-CHECKOUT

1.  THOU SHALT NOT STAND TOO CLOSE TO OTHER PATRONS

Really, I think that woman got me pregnant, that’s how close she was.  We’re all grown folk, we all know the rules about personal space – every culture has its own, you know yours, FUCKING OBEY THAT SHIT.

And recent immigrants?  You get 6 months to learn the rules in your new country.  After that, you’re just being a dick like everyone else.

And to top it all off, Standy McTooClose starts scanning her shit before I had even picked up my shit!  Which brings us to…

2.  THOU SHALT WAIT THY GODDAMN TURN, THOU HEATHEN

Yes, I know self-checkout is intended for the speediness, but jeez Louise.  I shouldn’t be ripping off my receipt in mortal terror as you start slinging soy milk in my general direction.  Let me clear the bagging area, for fuck’s sake!  It’s like the water slide – I have to get out of the pool before they can let anyone else come down.  Otherwise, someone’s gonna get hurt.  AND IT AIN’T GONNA BE ME.

And while we’re on the subject…

3.  THOU SHALT NOT BRING FULL CARTS THROUGH THE SELF-CHECKOUT

I’d say, 15 things.  15 things is how many you can reasonably have.  Maybe 20 if you have someone with you who can bag while you scan, but you’re fucking pushing it, Janine.  15 THINGS IS PLENTY.

Oh, and every 5 coupons takes 1 thing off your allowance.  Because you know why?

4.  THOU SHALT NOT HOLD UP THE LINE

Speediness, remember?  I’m not talking about someone’s ol’ Pop-Pop who’s baffled by the newfangled machinery – although I do think that’s what regular checkout clerks are for, but then, how would he learn?  But when you think you’re gonna roll your ass up to the self-checkout with an entire Amazon Rainforest-worth of coupons, um, 2 things: 1) You have clearly exceeded your 15-thing allowance; 2) I WILL END YOU.

C’mon, man, you KNOW at least one of those motherfuckers is gonna jam up the slot and then the girl is gonna have to come over here.  NO ONE WANTS THE GIRL TO COME OVER HERE.

This is also why…

5.  PRODUCE IS FOR ADVANCED CUSTOMERS ONLY

Anything you have to weigh and/or look up is GOING TO SLOW DOWN THE LINE.  That happens even when the actual checkout clerk does it, it’s adding an extra step to the process so it naturally takes longer.  So, if you’re at all overwhelmed by the Brave New World of Self-Checkoutery, play it safe and take that shit to a human clerk.

And if you DO deem yourself ready to look up your own veggies, be advised.  You get TWO.  That basket full of 10 different things for your famous Arugula and Assholes Lima Bean Salad?  NO.  You put that nonsense back and you buy salad in a bag like decent people.

 

 

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Filed under I Rule You, Jesus and Pals, La Vida Loca, SCIENCE!, Weep for Humanity, WTF???

Anatomy of Finding Something on the Floor

  1. See unidentified thing on floor.
  2. Look at it.
  3. Look at it.
  4. What IS it? Look harder at it.
  5. Look at it while tilting head.
  6. WHAT IS IT?
  7. Bend over to look at it.
  8. Look at it lookatitLOOKATIT
  9. Poke it.
  10. Poke it again.
  11. WHATISITWHATISITWHATISIT?
  12. Pick it up.
  13. Drop it.
  14. Look for it.
  15. Look for it lookforitLOOKFORIT
  16. WHERE IS IT???
  17. IS IT ON ME???
  18. Flail uncontrollably.
  19. See second unidentifiable thing on floor.
  20. Repeat from Step 2.

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Filed under Getchore LEARN on!, La Vida Loca, My Secret Shame(s), Random Thoughts, Reality Bites, SCIENCE!, WTF???, Ye Olde Apartment Complex

I Am a Liar

It’s not my fault, but I must admit:  I lied to the entire state of New Jersey.

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

You see, I went to work yesterday, under orders from The Bosses to lead with weather – even though, as they admitted themselves, it “wasn’t going to be a big deal.”  The National Weather Service was advising “little precipitation, snow changing to rain by afternoon.”

Then this happened.

IMG_20131208_160053_535

Mother. Fucker.

So basically, I told an ENTIRE STATE full of easily-terrified senior citizens that there was nothing to fear… when I should have been issuing a bread-and-milk alert.  Credibility.  I hazn’t got it.

Allow me to once again reiterate for those of you who have not been following along in class:  I AM NOT A METEOROLOGIST.  I was once a “weather girl” very briefly, but that was basically tits-and-ass with a blue screen.  I HAVE NO DOCUMENTED SCIENTIFIC KNOWLEDGE OF THIS SUBJECT.

This is why, when I worked at the TV station, I used to rail and fight so hard AGAINST leading with weather (ask Gilbert, he was present for many of the Attempted Firings of Hoody that resulted from my stand on the subject).  Weather is NOT my business, and I prefer to leave the lying to the professionals.

Thanks for listening to my rant.  I love you fuckers.

HH

P.S.  And don’t worry about me during this unexpected Snowpocalypse.  I have my trusty survival tool:

IMG_20131208_164545_091

Yeah, BUDDY!

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Filed under Gilbert, Reality Bites, SCIENCE!, Weep for Humanity, WTF???, Youse Guys, ZOMBIES!!!

Hey, Dumbass!

Well, it seems Hoody Hoo’s Help for Hebrews isn’t taking off as the big successful  get-rich-quick scheme humanitarian effort I was hoping it would be… so I’m forced to make me some damn money help others in another way.

Ladies and Gentlemen… the Dumbass Alert.

This will be an app for one’s phone which will alert one to the fact that one is being a dumbass.  It originated when Dear Sweet Mama got the same book out of the library that she had just turned in… because she thought it looked good.  And I told her, yes, it DID look good, that’s why you got it the first time… dumbass.

So the Library Function is first:  I need to be alerted if I go to check out a book I have checked out within the past 3 months.  This will also prevent me thinking I’m smart because I “figured out” who the killer was when I actually just remembered it.  Not that I’ve done that…

Next, the Grocery Function:  This prevents me from buying excessive amounts of… let’s say, ketchup… because I always think I’m out of ketchup whenever I’m at the store.  Again, not that I’ve done that…

But in case you didn’t know, there really aren’t that many good recipes that use massive quantities of ketchup…

Now, I just needs me a nerd to make this App for me (I’m not that kind of nerd, unfortunately – I’m more of an Amish nerd.).  And no, it’s NOT free, that would set my own Alert off, now wouldn’t it?

 

 

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Filed under Adventures with Dear Sweet Mama, GENIUS!, La Vida Loca, SCIENCE!

Veni, Vedi… Just Me?

Trapped on the couch, watching crap TV while DSM and the Concubine carry my head cold germs to the rest of the family, I have discovered something potentially disturbing about myself, dear Hooligans.

I have never seen a Saw movie… ’cause that shit seems logical to me.

The series is all about, “I locked your dumb ass up and fed the key to this motherfucker right here and you have to cut him open to get free,” right? That type of shit?  See, I’m fine with that.

I was just watching the true crapfest that is American Horror House (horribly acted, horribly scripted, but nice sfx and good that Morgan Fairchild got some work) and it occurred to me that I would never end up like Stupid Girl Trapped On The Third Floor With Stupid Boy.  Y’see, they only had 10 feet of rope, so they were all, “Oh, noes, we can’t get down with that!” But I happen to know that human intestines are MUCH longer than 10 feet… in fact, you could probably double those suckers up and rappel like a Green Beret!

Plus, Stupid Girl had only just met Stupid Boy, so he’s nothing to her.  Well, nothing but a Meat Ladder (patent pending).  It might be harder if you actually KNEW Stupid Boy, but I doubt it… he is, after all, STUPID.  And my sense of self-preservation is finely-honed, y’all — if ANYBODY’S takin’ this bitch out of the game, it’s gonna be me… and I ain’t nowhere NEAR done yet!

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Filed under At the Movies, I Rule You, SCIENCE!, WTF???

Fun at Parties

In honor of the seemingly-endless stream of CRAP being viewed on this household’s TV this season, it’s time for everyone’s favorite game.  Gather round, boys and girls, and let’s get ready to play:

WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING?

Let’s get started:  Girl Meets Boy.

1.  Does Girl like Boy?

  • A. Yes.
  • B. No.  STOP.  You are watching a Nicholas Sparks movie.  Girl will grudgingly go out with Boy, then they will be separated by something beyond their control, then Girl will have an epiphany – “But I LUUUUURVE him!”  And Boy will end up dead.  The End.

2.  Girl DOES like Boy…. Does Boy like Girl back?

  • A.  Yes.  STOP.  Refer to Answer 1B.
  • B.  No.

3.  Boy DOES NOT like Girl.  Why?

  • A.  Boy is oblivious.  STOP.  You are watching a Lifetime movie.  Girl will die and Boy will be sorry, that motherfucker.  The End.
  • B.  Boy is imaginary.  STOP.  You are watching “Charmed.”  Stop that, he’s mine.
  • C.  Boy is unattainable.

4.  Boy IS UNATTAINABLE because:

  • A.  He is of a different social standing.  STOP.  You are watching A(n) (H)istorical Romance.  Someone is going to be executed.  The End.
  • B.  He is of a different social standing BUT love conquers all.  STOP.  You are watching a Disney movie.  For verification, check for things singing that should not be able to sing, i.e., rodents and teapots.
  • C.  He is a vampire.
  1. Subquestion:  Boy is a vampire.  Is there glitter?
  • A.  Yes.  STOP.  You are watching Twilight.  Das ist verboten.
  • B.  No.  STOP.  You are watching “True Blood.”  Carry on.

OR OPTION D:  NONE OF THE ABOVE

5.  NONE OF THE ABOVE apply.  Unattainable Boy CAN be obtained, but only if Girl:

  • A.  Completes a Quest.  STOP.  You are watching a Sci-Fi/Fantasy Movie.  There will be either dragons or spaceships, Girl’s only Friend will die, and Boy will probably not like Girl anyway, but Girl will be the better person for it.  The End.
  • B.  Abandons her Friends and Family with much Wailing and Remorse.  STOP.  You are watching a 1980’s Teen Drama.  This will not end well, but you have Haagen-Daas.  The End.
  • C.  Puts out.

6.  Girl must PUT OUT to obtain Unattainable Boy.  What happens?

  • A.  It happens in Creepy Wooded Setting.  STOP.  You are watching a Horror Movie.  Anyone who has sex will die, the call is coming from inside the house, and any evil killers previously presumed to be dead will end up not being dead.  Underwear may feature heavily.  The End.
  • B.  It happens in a Non-Wooded Area.

7.  Girl PUTS OUT in a Non-Wooded Area.  And?

  • Girl is hot.  STOP.  See Answer 6A.
  • Girl is NOT hot.
  1. Subquestion:  Are Girl’s Friends hot?
  • Yes.  STOP.  You are watching an After School Special.  Boy will leave Girl for her Hot Friend, possibly after Knocking Girl Up and Giving Girl Herpes.  The End.
  • Girl has no Friends.  STOP.  See Answer C1A (Yeah, Twilight again).
  •  No.  STOP.  See Answer 5B.

Of course, there are simpler versions, such as:

  1. You’ve watched for 10 minutes.  Will there be a Christmas?
  2. Is there a Sad Clown and/or a Cigarette left smoking in An Ashtray?
  3. Is there an Unattractive Naked Person who used to be hot but is now in no possible way anywhere near hot?

We’ll cover these and more contingencies in our next lesson.

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Filed under At the Movies, SCIENCE!, WTF???

Dear Sweet Mama Never Learns, Part II

As promised, I will soon relate Part II of “The Legend(s) of Dear Sweet Mama vs. the Snapping Turtle(s), but first, an editorial comment from the horse’s ass mouth:

Dear Sweet Mama Comments:

I can’t believe you left out the part where his freakishing strong jaws on his little mean eye head whipped out on a neck that grew 6 feet long and almost made me a peg legged DSM. Or the phone call to the POlice asking for assistance which left them laughing and DSM cussing – often the case.

Yes, it’s true, DSM did in fact at first attempt to “nudge” the turtle with her foot… which he did not appreciate, resulting in a mighty leap backwards into a more turtle-free zone.  No, this did not prevent her from bending over to look at the turtle (directly at his “little mean eye head”), which produced very similar results.  And yes, I had forgotten we had called the PO-lice, as we say here in Wes’BYGAWD Virginny, but our PO-lice are notoriously unwilling to deal with critter-related emergencies.  Which is bad, ’cause we got a lot o’ critters.  Although my Poor Ol’ Dad did once have to shoot a rat that had crawled up outta someone’s toilet… ‘nother story for ‘nother time.

Anyhoo, the unwillingness of the police to assist with the previous turtle may have contributed to:

The Legend(s) of Dear Sweet Mama

vs. the Snapping Turtle(s)

PART II:

Fast forward several years (we’re not counting how many!), Dear Sweet Mama and the Concubine are living in (I think) Maryland, and Grown-up (shut up!) Hoody is safe at home in Snapping Turtle Witness Protection.  That’s when the phone rings, and DSM relates the following tale:

It seems she and the Concubine were driving along, and they saw a turtle in the road.  Being good folk, they decided they would rescue the turtle and keep it from getting hit by a car.  But instead of doing what normal most people would do, and simply moving the turtle off to one side, the girls (well, mostly the Concubine, to hear DSM tell it) decided they needed to take him to some water.

SO THEY PICKED HIM UP AND PUT HIM IN THEIR CAR.

Now, DSM would have you believe this is where she showed her intelligence and experience with turtles:  Being that she knew he was a SNAPPING turtle, she did not want him freely roaming the car (station wagon = no trunk for turtle transportation).  So she put him in a box.

A CARDBOARD box.

After the previous turtle (Turtle I) had demonstrated that this particular brand of turtle could bite through WOOD, DSM thought this turtle (Turtle II) would be contained by a flimsy cardboard box.

The drive ensued.

Shortly, DSM heard what she described as “ominous” noises from the cargo area (remember, STATION WAGON, no barrier between the dumbasses girls and their increasingly-irate and unwilling passenger).  I can only assume “ominous” is a synonym for “chewy and bitey”… soon to be followed by “thumpy and crawly.”

Yes, they did somehow manage to get Turtle II to a nearby lake, I think by backing up to the water and shoving at him until he crawled out.  But for the duration of the drive, DSM and the Concubine were driving through town with an angry, unconfined snapping turtle in the car.

I sincerely hope THIS TIME they’ve learned their lesson… but I doubt it.

 

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Filed under Adventures with Dear Sweet Mama, Getchore LEARN on!, La Vida Loca, Reality Bites, SCIENCE!