Category Archives: Kittehs!

Don’t Forget Your Barrel

The unending oddness that is my life continues with a call from Dear Sweet Mama:

Hoody Hoo:  I had the most terrifying dreams last night, I woke up shaking and sweating!  I think I had killed a dude and thought I killed his girlfriend but she wasn’t quite dead so she came after me…

Dear Sweet Mama:  That’s weird, I had terrible dreams, too!  I dreamed we were in Milwaukee with my parents (editor’s note:  DSM’s parents are quite dead) and we were running away from riots and we had to cross this bridge and everybody kept telling us to jump but it was like over Niagara Falls or something…

HH:  That dude survived that time he went over Niagara Falls in a barrel, right?  We mighta made it…

DSM:  Well, HE had a barrel, WE did not… we were sans barrel!  You don’t jump off a bridge sans barrel!

*Break for maniacal laughter and plans to make t-shirts that say “Leave me alone, I’m sans barrel,” etc.*

HH:  Callie Jean is loving that piece of wicker she tore out of the paper plate holder.

DSM:  Of course, she does, it was free.  If you had spent money on it, none of them would be interested.  Like when you buy your kid a $300 whatever and they play with the box!

HH:  You remember the time me and Childhood Friend built that robot out of a box?  And we put a tape player in the box so it could talk!

DSM:  You girls were…

HH (interrupting):  GIFTED, Mama.  The word is GIFTED.

DSM:  Yeah, that’s it.

HH:  Although we did also try to get our fool selves killed trying to “rappel” down the riverbank on a clothesline… Of course, YOU actually did slide down the riverbank smack into some fornicating ducks…

DSM:  It wasn’t on purpose!  They should have had a barrel!

*More maniacal laughter including plans to create jobs by appointing someone to go around putting out barrels for ducks to fuck in so they won’t scare the children.*

Conclusion:  There are 2 types of people in the world — those who have their barrel, and those who are sans barrel.  If you have your barrel, life is cool and you’ve pretty much got things under control.  If you’re sans barrel, you’re fairly fucked.



Filed under Adventures with Dear Sweet Mama, Calpurnia Jean, Getchore LEARN on!, I Rule You, Kittehs!, La Vida Loca

Mina Takes the “L” Out of “Polo”

I know, I know, 2 cat posts in a row, but hey, most of the time they’re funnier than I am!  And you can blame this one on blissflower1969

Here’s her comment from the last post:
“I wasn’t raised in the south, but I recognize “the boy ain’t right” from watching too much King of the Hill.

And omg, I would be really unhappy if my cat decided to hide her food for later. Gross. It’s bad enough the dog likes to eat tootsie rolls from her cat box so I find litter and turd bits in my carpet. If I had to deal with food chunks stolen away? Nasty.”

So you see, I have no choice but to relate to you the tale of Mina’s very favorite game… Poo Polo.

As every cat owner knows, life is a constant battle to get the turds OUT of the catbox at exactly the right time.  Too early, they’re still stinky and gross and stick to the scoop, but too late, you’ve got shitty cat feet ON YOU.

Mina, being Mina, decided to make it a little more interesting.

If you don’t scoop the poop before it dries, Mina will take it OUT of the box and play with it.  Yes, play with it.  I’m hoping it’s only her own poop, but I have no way to tell, so I just try not to dwell on it.  She prefers to take it into the kitchen or the bathroom so it will clatter on the linoleum as she plays a kind of one-player soccer/polo/racquetball with it (no one else is allowed to play along with her, nor do I think they want to).

So basically, I have learned not to look too closely when Mina is playing with something :  After the first, “Oh, what have you got there?” you just start going directly for the paper towels.


Filed under Getchore LEARN on!, I'm Confused, Kittehs!, La Vida Loca, WTF???, Youse Guys

That Boy Ain’t Right

For all of y’all unfortunates who are NOT lucky enough to be GRITS (Girls Raised In the South), that phrase may perplex you a little.  It’s what you say when someone’s behavior is so inexplicably odd that you just can’t figure them out whatsoever.  It can refer to their upbringing (alternately, “that boy weren’t RAISED right” or, more often, to their overall mental capacity.

Now, this is not to be confused with black culture, in which “You ain’t right!” generally means you did something or said something that was slightly offensive but still fuckin’ funny.

Ti-Jacques ain’t right.

Now, we all know cats like to sniff each others’ nether regions… I read somewhere that it’s kinda like a greeting combined with “Where ya been?  Was there food?”  And that’s fine.

But Ti-Jacques is taking it to the extreme.

I’m serious, he digs his nose up in there like he was looking for his keys!  And Callie Jean and the rest of the Horde do NOT appreciate this — the practice is getting him smacked on a more regular basis than usual.

Plus, he and Callie Jean both want to bury their food “for later” (yes, they think they are great lions of the savannah).  Unfortunately, burying things in carpet presents a problem, so one has to go GET something to put over top of the plate.  Usually, this is a discarded sock or someone else’s plate, but Ti in particular likes the plastic grocery bag method of hiding food for later.

And this weekend, he got aholt o’ the clear plastic one from the Chinese food place… and buried his food with it.

And when poor blind Callie tried to steal his food (see, this is why the burying), she could not figure out for the life of her why she could SEE the food (under the plastic) but not EAT it.

But then I did get to be the Great Savior Who Brings Forth Food from Nothingness, so that’s okay.



Filed under Calpurnia Jean, Getchore LEARN on!, I'm Confused, Kittehs!, La Vida Loca

As Seen… In the Garbage (Pt. 2)

Getting back to our regularly scheduled program, we were discussing the horrible crap I have bought off the TV because I can’t seem to stop myself.  Let’s run down the list, shall we?

Fuckin’ Eggies.  And we all know how that turned out

The Infamous Slap-Chop:  Interesting fact, when that extremely annoying dude on the commercial says it’s a great stress reliever, he has no comprehension of just how much stress I apparently have.  Yeah, I broke that fucker the first time I used it.

Red Devil Grill & Picnic Set:  This one I actually did end up sending back — because by the time I received my portable grill and folding picnic table, I had remembered an important fact.  That being, that I don’t go anywhere and I hate the outside.

Tae Bo:  Hurt myself. Duh.  Also did myself a damage trying to learn Celtic Dance from a VHS tape.

Real Minerals Makeup:  It does indeed give your skin a healthy “glow,” but that glow is orange.  Like Snooki-eating-Cheetos-orange.  Not a good look.

And my latest foray (no, I have NOT learned my lesson): Sift and Toss Cat Litter Liners.  I still maintain that this SHOULD work; it’s basically a disposable sieve that you put under the litter, then you just lift it up, sift, and toss.  Unfortunately, the Horde didn’t read the directions on the box.  They proceeded to dig up the sievey-part and fold the plastic liner into a kind of a tent… which they then peed on.  FAIL.

It hasn’t been all bad, I have had success with at least a couple of the ridiculous things I have wasted money on — stay tuned for that on Monday!

Also, be sure to check out the recent additions to the Royal Court!  Remember, YOUR name could be up there someday — ahnd may the ahds be evah in youwuh favuh!


Filed under Getchore LEARN on!, I'm Confused, Kittehs!, La Vida Loca, My Secret Shame(s), The Royal Court, WTF???, Youse Guys

Drag Queen or Tomboy?

So we all know Marceau is a drag queen cat, but the latest evidence doesn’t really fit with his previous behavior...

Before it got so freakishly warm again (don’t worry, it’ll be cold again next week), I was using the living room fireplace a lot because A) the heater broke and B) it’s pretty.  And all the kittehs love fire (Ti-Jacques a little TOO much), so all was well in the Hoo Household.  Until… Monday.

Marceau comes trotting past me and for some reason, keeps his head turned to the side so I can’t see his face.  My Mama-senses immediately went off, so I stalked him down and grabbed him, only to find his normally white mime-face was now gray.  The crazy little bastard had covered his face in fireplace ashes!  One paw was gray, too, so I know exactly how he did it — he patted it on like face powder!

So far, the theories include (but are of course open for discussion!):

  1. Marceau is a hitherto unknown Catholic cat, and Cat Ash Wednesday is later than people’s… and on a Monday.
  2. (This is DSM’s theory)  He has grown tired of looking like a mime and is trying to do blackface instead.
  3. He is some kind of ninja commando.

So what do y’all think?  So far, the only thing I’m sure of is that fireplace ashes are kinda greasy or something and won’t wash off… oh, and that cats don’t like it when you rub their head with a wet washcloth.


Filed under Adventures with Dear Sweet Mama, GENIUS!, I'm Confused, Jesus and Pals, Kittehs!, La Vida Loca, Things I Don't Know, WTF???

Shawty Get Loose

Yes, the long-awaited Crippledupdate… Saw the rheumatologist on Tuesday and once again, it has been determined by the White Man’s Medicine that my joints are — quote — “too loose” (canna getta “That’s what she said!”).  Then she stole all my blood (which is why I didn’t blog earlier — I been laying around the house like Sookie after Valentine’s Day) to see what’s causing them to get… looser, I guess? Yes, my joints are rapidly becoming the elastic in your Paw-Paw’s underpants.

The good news is, she doesn’t THINK it’s the arthritis that’s causing it.  Of course, the bad news is, she doesn’t know what IS… part of it’s that I’ve always been flexible (due to the having no cartilage thing, I’m sure), and part of it is that my shit’s getting older and wearing out… but she’s making sure nothing ELSE is fucked up before we proceed.  Oh, good.

So right now, I’m using the tried and true method of spending a lot of time soaking in the bathtub — I mean for HOURS, people.  And Ti-Jacques is almost as fascinated with this as he is with the NeatDesk.  Here’s the process:

Step 1 (we can have lotsa fun… dammit, GET OUT OF MY HEAD!):  Ti stands with his front paws on the edge of the bathtub, breathing in the steam with his mouth open.

Step 2 (there’s so much… DAMMIT!):  Ti jumps up onto the edge of the tub so he can reach the water… then proceeds to pat it.

Step 3 (CONTROL!!!):  Ti reaches his EN-tire arm down into the water so he can touch Mommy’s leg.  Then he realizes he is wet and jerks his arm back, slinging water everywhere in the process.

Lather, rinse, repeat for however long I stay in the tub.  That cat is WEIRD.


Filed under Kittehs!, La Vida Loca, White Man's Medicine

Yet Another Last Name

Turns out “Ti-Jacques Russell Plisskin Hoo-Weasel” is NOT a long enough name for the little man.  Now we’re gonna have to add “Powers” — as in Austin Powers, because Ti is an International Cat of Mystery.

Case in point:  Ti and I were laying in the bed watching TV (all the kittehs watch/chase TV, and poor blind CJ watches the pretty colors) when the commercial for the NeatDesk came on.  AND HE WAS TOTALLY ABSORBED.  He stopped washing and scratching and stared at the TV with his mouth open in awe.

So apparently the littlest kitteh has a lot of important papers that need to be organized, which I knew nothing about.  Therefore, I am forced to believe he is leading a secret double-life, either as an international super-spy (likely to be in cahoots with Pearl’s Liza Bean) or possibly an accountant.  Either way, if he’s got income coming in, he needs to start chipping in on the Friskies.

And here I thought the toys with the “real-mouse” noises were the best Christmas present…

That’s all for now, I’ll be back on Tuesday to regale you with tales of this weekend’s New Year’s Sushi-‘Splosion!


Filed under Calpurnia Jean, I'm Confused, Kittehs!