Category Archives: Aw

Say It with WHAAAAAT?

Hooligans, I can do nothing but present to you, this:

IMG_20130821_154238_725For those of you who, like me, are retinally-challenged, that right there is a no-shit STORE-BOUGHT card that says, no lie; “I Like Having Sex with You.”

YES.  Yes it does.

But it gets better.  Here’s the sentiment contained within this motherfucking treasure:

IMG_20130821_154510_228“Sometimes in this busy world, we forget to slow down for the special things that really matter – like having sex.  So today I’m just taking a moment to tell you how wonderful it is to have sex with you.  For even when we’re apart, I’m thinking of sex we’ve had in the past and looking forward to all the sex we’ve yet to share.  You’re a special person to me, and that’s why having sex with you is so very special, too!”

SERIOUSLY?

Do we really live in a world where such a card is necessary?  I always took it as a given:  If I’m CONTINUING to have sex with you, I must like it, right?  But the best part is the esoteric romance of it all: “For even when we’re apart, I’m thinking of sex we’ve had in the past and looking forward to all the sex we’ve yet to share.”  Back up, Shakespeare!  There’s a new sheriff in town!

So, Dear Sweet Mama and I were taken. the fuck. aback by this masterpiece of the greeting card art (which, interestingly enough, was being sold right next to the “I really fucked up and I’m sorry” section, leading one to believe these cards are often bought in a set).

So of course DSM bought one.

And gave it to the Concubine.

Who almost peed her pants.

MISSION. ACCOMPLISHED.

 

 

 

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Filed under Adventures with Dear Sweet Mama, Aw, La Vida Loca, Twu Wuuv, WTF???

Apparently I’m “It”

Thanks so much for all the love, support, and offers of ass-kickin’ assistance yesterday, now let’s get to the good part:

Tag!

The lovely and talented and utterly-unafraid-of-getting-her-ass-kicked-for-taking-pictures-of-weirdos-in-the-street Misty passed along “Tag!  You’re It!” to myself and several other wonderful blog artistes.  That means I have to answer some questions… ’cause she’s a lawyer and she scares me.    ; )

1.  Book or movie and why?

Book.  Number one, I read pretty much CONSTANTLY (yes, even on the toilet), and number two, I often find my own imagination is better than the screenwriter/director/whatever’s.  Not to say I WON’T see the movie, but I generally like to have read the book first.  And if I find out I’m watching a movie that’s based on a book and I didn’t know it, I will immediately go out and find that book and read it.  Because I’m a nerd and a film major, and that’s how we roll.

2.  Real book or e-book?

Real.  Can’t beat the smell of the paper, the feel of turning the pages with my actual fingers.  I’m like Admiral Kirk in that way.  Plus, I think the whole Kindle thing is a trick.

3. Funniest thing you’ve done in the last 5 years?

I’m assuming this means funny to others, because I amuse the fuck out of myself pretty much all the time.  And I really don’t know for sure… but it probably involved me doing something stupid and proceeding to injure myself.  I’m good at that.  Oh, and there’s also this.

4.  Do you put yourself in the books you read/movies you watch?

Not… really.  I empathize with the characters, of course, but mostly I’m just along for the ride.  There HAVE been some very fucked up dreams, though.

5. How would your best friend describe you?

Well, it’s you guys, so I hope it’s “one funny motherfucker.”

6.  Favorite kind of car and why?

One that runs.  That is all.

7.  Would your choice of party be a catered meal or a barbecue out back?

As long as I’m not RESPONSIBLE for the party, either is good.  If I’m in charge, catered meal:  Hoody can’t take that kind of pressure!

8.  What’s your favorite season and why?

Hmmm… I really love fall, the way the air smells and the changing leaves.  But I also hate it a little because I know it means winter’s coming.

9.  What important lessons have you learned?  Spiritual, educational, and occupational?

Spiritual:  There is no one “right” way.  You gotta do what feels best for you.

Educational:  Virtually everything I learned in college is now obsolete, but I still think everyone should have to go for the mind-broadening.

Occupational:  The people I work with/for are fucking rock stars.  I would not have made it through all the drama I’ve dealt with without their understanding and support (or y’all’s, either!).

10.  Besides writing, what’s your favorite thing to do when you get some extra time?

I don’t know what this “extra time” thing is, I feel like all I do is work and sleep!  I really need to spend MORE time writing, but there’s that whole “sleeping” problem…  I do like to dick around on the internet and read, but I’m usually doing those things while doing something else at the same time.

11.  What’s one place you can be found at least one time every week?

*sigh*… Walmart.  I grocery shop once a week and that’s where I do most of it.  They carry my basic staples:  catfood, Sprite, booze and refried beans.

ANNNNNNND scene.

Whew, that’s done.  Now I’m supposed to pass this on to 11 other people, but Hoody don’t do rules.  So I’m passing it along to ALL the members of the Royal Court.  That’s right, bitches.  YOU’RE “it.”

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Filed under Aw, Getchore LEARN on!, I Rule You, La Vida Loca, My Secret Shame(s), The Royal Court, Youse Guys

Lookie There!

The Versatile Blogger Award!

You see what that is?  That’s my very very first blogger award from one of my very favorite bloggy babes, Tazer Warrior Princess!  What a great “Get Well Soon!” present!

So first (because I’m a terrible attention-whore), let’s see what the Heir Apparent had to say about ol’ Hoody:

“Hoody, of Hoodyhoo, is my sister from another mister. I swear we need to get the fuck out of each other’s heads. Her tales of Chuckweasel, Dear Sweet Mama, and the randimosities of life make me laugh every stinking time. Without rhyme or reason, Hoody delivers a zinger every time she deigns to post for us. For example, a line from her last post that had me howling: “All religions, everywhere, come down to one single Commandment: DON’T BE A DICK

Visit and see, and I dare you to tell me she’s not hilarious!”

Gosh, I don’t know what to say, I’m actually getting a little choked up here!  But the rules say I HAVE to say something — here they are:

Once awarded, the recipient must a) compose a short dedication to the person who awarded them the award, b) write a list for their readers detailing things about themselves their readers don’t know, and then c) pass the love forward to five.

Okay, first things first — Tazer is one of the funniest motherfuckers I know, in addition to being a serious menace with a spork!  She’s the daughter I never had the patience to raise, that’s why she’s the official Heir Apparent of Hoody’s Hooligans.

Number 2:  Hmmm… I don’t really keep a lot of secrets from you folks, but let’s see… Okay.  I have weird little holes in the side of my ears (like where the top of your ear connects to your head?) that seem to serve no purpose whatsover.  Dear Sweet Mama says they’re usually the sign of a terrible birth defect that kills you when you’re a baby, but so far as I know, I ain’t kilt.  My Poor Ol’ Dad has the same ears, and he ain’t been kilt for longer than I ain’t been kilt.  So I think we’re cool.

Also, I have a third nipple.  Yes, go get the kindling and a duck.

Now, onto the sharing the love part.  I can’t possibly name just 5 of y’all to honor on here, so we’re gonna shake it up a bit.  If you’re in the “Voices in My Head” list or if you comment fairly regularly, answer question #2 in the comments.  If you’ve made it to the Royal Court, you also have to give your job description and tell us all why you’re good at it (Court nobility WITHOUT a job title must present one for my approval).

Love and kisses, bitches!

HH

PS — Any “Voices” looking to move up to the Court can present their qualifications in the comments… and any commenters and/or lurkers looking to become “Voices” can do the same!  It’s THUNDERDOME, y’all!

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Filed under Aw, I Rule You, The Royal Court, Youse Guys

You’re So Jealous

I came home from work yesterday to find the most amazing thing…

CHUCKWEASEL

HAD DONE

THE DISHES.

And my dishes were BAAAAD, y’all.  I had let them get to the science project stage during the deep dark depression, and they had become my nemesis!  The whole rest of the house is clean (except Petey’s Room, gimme a break), but those dishes were the hill I could not climb (almost literally).  I couldn’t believe Chuckweasel would do such a nasty chore without ANY prompting — I was struck speechless for a minute!

I mean, Chuckweasel’s chores are usually outside-related chores — like, take out the trash, carry in the groceries, etc.  If we had a yard, he would have to mow it, if we had a dog, he would have to pick up its poops.  But dishes are INSIDE, and so under my domain… but he did it anyway, bless him!

And he did them WELL, too!  Number one, he didn’t even use the dishwasher (he claims he doesn’t know how, which proves I’m not getting rid of this chore for good!), and number two, THE DISHES WERE ACTUALLY CLEAN.  This is utterly shocking to me — I am EXTREMELY OCD about clean dishes, and if there’s so much as a SPECK of food or what-not left on a plate, that whole load’s getting washed again.  I once had a boyfriend who I SWEAR would deliberately fuck up chores so he wouldn’t have to do them anymore — needless to say, he did the dishes exactly once.

So, let’s line up, Sister Wives… it may be time to give Chuckweasel a however-many-of-us-there-are-some… a “menage’ a us”, if you will.  All you boy-types are excused… you can do more chores while we’re busy!

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Filed under Aw, Chuckweasel, La Vida Loca, My Secret Shame(s), SCIENCE!, The Legend of Petey, Twu Wuuv

The F***ing Walmart

Today is Chuckweasel’s birthday (happy birthday, you old bastard!), so what better way to celebrate than to thoroughly insult and disparage “his” Walmart?

To begin, let it be understood that Chuckweasel’s Walmart (also known as “this fucking Walmart!”) is the one that is closer to his apartment, whereas “my” Walmart is closer to my apartment.  Yes, in WBGV, we have Walmarts about every 10 miles or so to make sure you’re never without access to crap.  Now here’s the thing — BOTH the Walmarts in question were built back before Walmarts sold groceries (a dank and dismal time WHICH I HAD TO LIVE THROUGH, thankyouverymuch!), but here’s the thing:  MY Walmart chose to remodel and expand to accomodate groceries, whereas Chuckweasel’s Walmart…. did not.  So they’ve just got shit jammed in any ol’ where, and it makes not a damn bit of sense!

For example, in MY Walmart, pet food, cleaning supplies and paper towels and such are all at the back (where you’re supposed to start, but I’ll cover that later), right before you get into the serious grocery section.  Therefore, you can get all your stuff that is relatively LARGE (cat litter, toilet paper, etc.) before you buy small things like eggs and capers.  Then you move through soft drinks, bottled, water, and liquor… see the size progression?  This makes SENSE.

In Chuckweasel’s Walmart, pet food is in the center aisles near the front, right behind birthday cards (WTF?  “Happy Birthday Grandma!  Here’s some Friskies!”).  You then go through some of what can only be called “weird shit aisles” before reaching paper goods and THEN cleaning supplies… but the cleaning supplies are arranged in some kind of psychotic order having nothing to do with the way they are used.  Then you are finally at the back of the store to begin filling your cart with cases of Coke and flats of water, but you CAN’T, ’cause YOU’VE ALREADY HAD TO PASS EGGS AND MILK and they’ll get mooshed in the cart!   This DOES NOT make sense.

Of course, the reason this upsets me so is that I HATE to backtrack in the store.  I make my grocery list in order of the way “my” store is arranged, and making me go to the fucked-up Walmart fucks up my EN-tire list!  Dear Sweet Mama trained me from birth to start at the back of the store (Cokes, etc.) and move forward, only backtracking to pick up meat (which you get LAST, right after frozen food — duh). 

CHUCKWEASEL DOES NOT KNOW HOW YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO SHOP.

So he’s all willy-nilly all over the place, backtracking to and fro and coming back to meet me — because he knows where I’ll be BECAUSE I FOLLOW THE SYSTEM.  Swear to GAWD, that boy ain’t right.  Maybe he’ll get wiser with age?

Anyhoo, happy birthday, you crazy fuck!  You know we love you! : )

PS — Yesterday was Poor Ol’ Dad’s birthday, but I can’t say anything bad about him.  Number 1, he goes to MY Walmart, Number 2, he found me a good therapist, and Number 3, he has a gun.  But happy birthday, Poor Ol’ Dad!

38 Comments

Filed under Aw, Chuckweasel, I Rule You, I'm Confused, La Vida Loca, Only in Wes' BYGAWD Virginny, SCIENCE!, Weep for Humanity, WTF???