Category Archives: At the Movies

STEP. THE F**K. BACK.

So I think it’s safe to say that by now we’ve all seen this:

aladdin-free-genie

Complete with the rip-my-heart-out-and-stomp-on-it caption: “Genie, you’re free.”

Hell, I shared it myself the minute I saw it — To me, it perfectly summed up the way most of us felt when we heard Robin Williams had died:  Something magical had gone out of our world.

Now, I’m seeing site after site after site criticizing this image as glorifying/glamorizing/rationalizing suicide and I have just two words for those people:

FUCK.

YOU.

Fuck you SO hard.  That image DOES NOT in any way make suicide into a “happy ending” (as the articles from such outlets as “The Washington Post” and “The Independent” contend).  It expresses our collective sorrow at the passing of an iconic film and comedy legend, who happens to have provided the voice for the Genie.

And if you REALLY want to get all nit-picky, as those articles and others do, then let’s dance:  Do NOT go off on a tangent about how the starry sky visible in the background of some of the versions makes suicide seem like a good and/or desirable outcome.  SERIOUSLY?  Dude, they’re animation stills from a movie that came out YEARS ago, there’s no sinister subtext.  If that’s really all you’ve got to back up your argument, then get the fuck over yourself.

I can only speak as one specific fan who found that this picture and the accompanying quote perfectly expressed my feelings of sorrow and loss over a man who struggled with depression and addiction throughout his life.  I have been there.  I have looked at that particular “Exit” door and chosen not to open it — BUT I UNDERSTAND THE FEELINGS THAT WOULD MAKE SOMEONE PULL THAT HANDLE.  So, regardless of how Robin Williams made his own personal “exit,” one thing is for certain:  He’s done with all that pain now.  HE’S FUCKING FREE.

Second star to the right, Robin, and straight on until morning.

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Filed under At the Movies, I Rule You, Reality Bites, Weep for Humanity, WTF???

More Lessons Learned…

… from “The Last Ship.”

Yeah, it’s been awhile, but hey, most of the funny/fucked up shit that happens to me has to do with The Concubine (without her knowledge), and I almost feel bad shaming her on Teh Interwebz.  I know, weird, right?  Me feeling shame.  But anyhoo…

LESSONS LEARNED FROM “THE LAST SHIP”

Episode 1

  • The CDC is never here to save YOU, dumbass.  They’re here to save other people. FROM you. (Actually, I already knew this.)
  • Jason Dean is still smokin’ fuckin’ hot.  My argument:
And still WAAAAAY too hot for Phoebe Halliwell.

And still WAAAAAY too hot for Phoebe Halliwell.

  • Don’t even fucking THINK about killing the dog, inexplicable Russian ninjas.  I WILL CUT YOU.
  • Two words:  JAYNE COBB! That is all.
The Hero of Canton

The Hero of Canton

  • Jason Dean and Jayne Cobb manage to make up for that actress who looks like she smelled a fart.
  • We are, at this moment, potentially 2 months away from President Boehner.  Wait, wait, stop cutting yourself, I said POTENTIALLY.
  • Radio silence is NEVER for your own protection.
  • When all else fails, fucking do it yourself.  Fear of electrocution is for PUSSIES.
  • If you fail to answer your phone, I’m totally allowed to come over to your place and steal your popcorn and mac n’ cheese.
  • We get issued protective face shields for a reason.  DUMBASS.

(although you did make the right choice, ma brotha.  ain’t goin’ out like that.)

BONUS:  Having kids and a wife is NOT. FUCKING. WORTH IT.  The Night’s Watch has the right idea.

AND ONE CAVEAT:  Naming a character “Dr. Scott” makes me want to throw toilet paper.

I love you, my Hooligans.  And I’ll try to do better!

HH

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Filed under At the Movies, Getchore LEARN on!, I Rule You, The Idiot Box, The Many Husbands of Hoody

For Your Viewing Pleasure

As we all know, television viewership takes up a significant portion of my day (largely because I’m holed up in my room hiding from the increasingly-evil Concubine). So let’s all pick up our clickers and see what’s entertaining us now, shall we?

  • The Walking Dead (AMC):  Duh!  Dear Sweet Mama and mine’s Sunday ritual – I have no idea how we’re going to survive the midseason break!  We’ve already decided if we ever win the lottery, we’re buying up all their ad time so they can go commercial-free.
  • Witches of East End (Lifetime):  I know, LIFETIME?  Which is why I initially did not hold out much hope for this one, but it turns out it’s great!  For those of you who also watch, I’m officially Team Killian – Dash is a douche.
  • American Horror Story:  Coven (FX):  the first of the AHS series I’ve watched, kinda makes me want to catch up on the others!  Of course, that fine-ass Angela Bassett doesn’t hurt – like my Dear Sweet Grandmama always used to say, good black don’t crack!
  • Almost Human (FOX):  LOVE THIS!  Which means it’s guaranteed to get cancelled.  So eat up the Kennex and Dorian eye candy while you still can!
  • Atlantis (BBC America):  Just discovered this on the OnDemand.  So far, I’m very much liking it and considering throwing a little at Jason, Pythagoras and (as always) Hercules (what is it about Mark Addy?)
  • Breaking the Faith (TLC):  FLDS girls running away from the Warren Jeffs compound – how could I NOT be watching this???  It’s a little overacted at times, but forgivable.
  • Ancient Aliens (History):  Not only do I love this show on its own merits, it also affords me the opportunity to spend time with my unwitting fiance, Giorgio Tsoukalos.  Yeah, he doesn’t know it, but that crazy-haired little monkey SHALL BE MINE (Gilbert should be fine with it, it’s all about the gyros and the geek cred!)

I will also watch the shit out of any House, Bones, Castle, SVU or what have you, especially in marathon form.  And as we all know, I’m a HUUUUUGE dork, so I also spend a lot of time gettin’ my learn on, watching History and Discovery and such for fun.  My latest forays include a 2-hour show on The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre and several shows about dinosaurs/cavemen/whatnot.

Also, it’s illegal to have a platypus for a pet.  Mother. Fucker.

Your turn, Hooligans – what boob-toobage can’t you live without?

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Filed under At the Movies, Getchore LEARN on!, Gilbert, I Rule You, La Vida Loca, University Challenge, Weep for Humanity, WTF???, ZOMBIES!!!

Two Trailer Park Girls Go ‘Round the Outside

Yes, Hooligans, it’s time for yet another installment of everyone’s favorite program…

ADVENTURES WITH DEAR SWEET MAMA

Scene:  Two Southern girls (Hoody and DSM) are at a random NJ diner.  DSM has ordered sausage gravy and biscuits, and The Waitress has just delivered the food.

Hoody:  Is that..?

DSM:  I don’t know…

Both girls lean toward the plate, cocking their heads like the RCA dog and making squinky eyes.

The Waitress:  Is everything okay?

DSM:  Is this sausage gravy and biscuits?

TW:  Yes.

HH:  Oh, ’cause it looks like creamed chip beef.  Which we will also eat.

The Waitress departs.  HH pokes a tentative fork into one of the lumps on DSM’s plate and conducts a cautious taste test.

HH:  It’s kielbasa.

DSM:  Kielbasa?  Well, it IS a sausage…

This incident led to a discussion of the “Don’t Fuck with Our Food” theory of dealing with Hoody and DSM.  In essence, we want what we want in the way we are used to getting it, and woe betide he who gets creative about it.  However…

Skip to:  Hoody and DSM are in the car with a bag of McDonald’s

HH:  Oh, crap, mine’s sausage.

DSM:  Mine’s sausage, too… AND bacon.

HH:  Yeah, mine too.

Sounds of ravening wolves consuming what turned out to be Bacon Egg and Cheese AND SAUSAGE biscuits – which isn’t even a thing McDonald’s makes.

DSM:  That was really good, though.

HH:  Yeah, except I think I’m sweating pork fat…

<Pause>

HH:  You think we should get another one?

And after that we went to the movies and saw Oblivion, which is epic and awesome and further proves that crazy translates directly into hot (Seriously, Tom Cruise?  SO crazy, but dayum).  And we ate nachos and cheese and hot buttery popcorn and now we are sick.  And greasy.

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Filed under Adventures with Dear Sweet Mama, At the Movies, La Vida Loca, WTF???

I Still Rule You

HAPPY NEW YEAR,  MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!

Another day, another argument with “George” —

Hoody Hoo:  I’m actually kinda pissed the ‘Pocolypse didn’t happen… now I can’t use all my skills.

“George”:  Oh, like what?  Like you’re gonna be Mad Max or something?  Like all those fuckin’ Goth kids who think the End of The World is gonna be your ticket to the big time.

HH:  Fuck you, do not!  I don’t wanna be Mad Max, anyway, I wanna be Norman Arminger.

G:  But what I’m saying is, you won’t.  All you people think you’re gonna be in charge, you’re gonna be dead in a ditch.

HH:  Will NOT!

G:  Will TOO.  Once the whole End of the World thing happens, there’s gonna be motherfuckers MUCH crazier than you —

HH:  Not THAT much crazier —

G:  Point being, there’s no way you’re gonna be the boss.  To be the boss, you’d have to be all like Humongous and like eat a baby or something, and you won’t do that.

HH:  Might.  Might eat a baby.

G:  Won’t.

HH:  Fine, then I’m not saving your ass.  You were on the ass-saving list, but you’re not anymore.

G:  I don’t want to be in a group anyway.  Not until it gets big.  Small groups get you killed.

HH:  But where’s the tipping point?  You have to be in a small group before it becomes a large group…

G:  I only wanna be in a small group if it’s way outta the way.  Or a large group that’s right on the main throughfare, but too big to fuck with.

HH:  But before that you’d be by yourself.  You haven’t got the skills to live in the woods all by yourself for like months.

G:  I have skills.

HH:  Not those skills.  Like, you need your small group to have a hunter, a nurse… you ain’t got all those skills.

G:  I have a lot of skills.

HH:  You’re gonna die in the woods.

G:  You’re gonna die in a ditch.

 

 

 

 

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Filed under "George", At the Movies, C'est Vrai You Suck, Getchore LEARN on!, I Rule You, The Royal Court, Weep for Humanity

Veni, Vedi… Just Me?

Trapped on the couch, watching crap TV while DSM and the Concubine carry my head cold germs to the rest of the family, I have discovered something potentially disturbing about myself, dear Hooligans.

I have never seen a Saw movie… ’cause that shit seems logical to me.

The series is all about, “I locked your dumb ass up and fed the key to this motherfucker right here and you have to cut him open to get free,” right? That type of shit?  See, I’m fine with that.

I was just watching the true crapfest that is American Horror House (horribly acted, horribly scripted, but nice sfx and good that Morgan Fairchild got some work) and it occurred to me that I would never end up like Stupid Girl Trapped On The Third Floor With Stupid Boy.  Y’see, they only had 10 feet of rope, so they were all, “Oh, noes, we can’t get down with that!” But I happen to know that human intestines are MUCH longer than 10 feet… in fact, you could probably double those suckers up and rappel like a Green Beret!

Plus, Stupid Girl had only just met Stupid Boy, so he’s nothing to her.  Well, nothing but a Meat Ladder (patent pending).  It might be harder if you actually KNEW Stupid Boy, but I doubt it… he is, after all, STUPID.  And my sense of self-preservation is finely-honed, y’all — if ANYBODY’S takin’ this bitch out of the game, it’s gonna be me… and I ain’t nowhere NEAR done yet!

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Filed under At the Movies, I Rule You, SCIENCE!, WTF???

Here’s Where It Gets Tricky

Okay, so everyone now knows the general Rules of Crap Films and Television.  But what about the wastes of celluloid that DON’T fit the categories?  Never fear, there’s always a way to tell:

WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING (pt. 2)

1.  You’ve watched for 10 minutes.  Will there be a Christmas?

  • YES.  You are watching A Big-Budget Holiday Comedy.  Vince Vaughn/Ben Stiller/Tim Allen will learn a valuable lesson through the healing power of the holiday season.  The End.
  • NO.  You are once again watching a Hallmark movie.  Have you learned nothing?
  • There is a HOWEVER:  If there WILL be a Christmas, but you’ve never heard of any of the actors, this is ALSO a Hallmark movie.  Be on the lookout for John-Boy Walton and his mole, they’re in a lot of these.

2.  Is there a Sad Clown and/or a Cigarette left smoking in An Ashtray?

 

  1. YES.  You are watching A Foreign Film.  Set your house on fire and join the Witness Protection Program.

 

  • EXCEPTION:  Is there ALSO an Unattractive Naked Person who used to be hot but is now in no possible way anywhere near hot?
  1. YES.  You are watching An Oscar Contender.

All that being said, I’d like to return to Question #1 for a moment.  Why the fuck have I never seen a movie in which Endearing-But-Poverty-Stricken Children/Talking Rodents/A Kindly-But-Misunderstood  Stranger has to save HANUKKAH?  I mean it.  I want to see little Jewish mice frantically working to repair a clock so that Hanukkah can go on as scheduled.  I want to see a Nice Old Man teaching a small town the symbolism of the eight nights.  So far, the closest thing I’ve found is Shari Lewis and Lamb-Chop starring in a video about the Passover Seder, and that’s just fucked up on its very own level.

No one ever saves Kwanzaa, either…

 

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Filed under At the Movies, I'm Confused, Jesus and Pals, WTF???