Drunk School Digest

So, confession time:  Two Christmases ago (12/25/11), Hoody went to her Bad-Ass Cousin’s house (you know, the 0ne who always got you in trouble as a kid – that one) and got, as Hoody does tend to get, fairly fucked up.  Hoody then attempted to drive home and suddenly saw blue lights.  Now, in the words of the poets, “I ain’t tryin’ to see no highway chase wit’ Jake,” so Hoody pulled over and got her drunk ass a DUI.

Yes, she’s sorry.  

And on the plus side, she’s now in a “treatment program” (the quotes will make sense later) and can therefore present to you:

DRUNK SCHOOL DIGEST

Week 1, Day1

Got invited to sit at “the cool kids'” table by lunchtime – helps to be hotter than a smacked ass.  Today we learned how to steal things from the supermarket.  We also learned that men are bad and are the root of all violence and evil – from a MALE counselor.

Week 1, Day 2

This shit really, really drags.  I did see one girl’s boob this morning when she flopped (yes, I do mean “flopped”) it out in front of everyone, so there’s that.

Week 1, Day 3

I seem to be the only person here who’s JUST a drunk.  Everyone else is a “booze-and-” – like, heroin, coke, etc.  I feel like the slow kid in class.

Week 1, Day 4

Ditched.  No sleep, couldn’t face it.  Turns out there was a huge fight between one of the counselors and some of the “students” – I missed it!

Week 1, Day 5

Really starting to get a complex about NOT being a drug addict.  Everyone was sharing their “freak-out” stories and my drunk ass got nothin’.  Also, I may be the only person here with teeth.

Stay tuned, it can only get weirder!

 

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17 Comments

Filed under Drunk School Digest, Getchore LEARN on!, I'm Confused, La Vida Loca, Reality Bites, WTF???

17 responses to “Drunk School Digest

  1. Reminds me of the old joke:

    Q: What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?

    A: A drunk doesn’t have to go to meetings.

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  2. Well, at least there’s entertainment!! Pretty much anything is good for blog fodder, right? 😉

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  3. Day-um! All I know about “treatment programs” (which is quite a bit, actually) I learned from watching Dr. Drew and visiting my drug-addled sister-in-law (god rest her soul in hell) on Family Day.

    You are way too cool for school.

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    • We just got a new intern who says she can “handle” us because she “used to teach high school.” Giiiiirl, I didn’t take that shit when I was IN high school!

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  4. Not exactly the same thing, but you might like this story about another “treatment program”: http://themoth.org/posts/stories/fat-girl-interrupted

    P.S. I was going to say “hang in there, Hoody”, but then I thought this program sounds like the kind of place where they might actually have that “hang in there” kitten poster, and suddenly I felt really icky.

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  5. It took two years? I take back everything I’ve ever said about when I, being stupid and young and stupid and stupid, got a DUI and it took six months to get through the whole thing. First, I only had to have a private session with a counselor where he got really abusive trying to get me to admit that I’d smoked pot sometime in my life (nope). Then I had a one-day session with a group where a guy was late because he was upstairs getting dialysis and this was his FIFTH DUI. Seriously, if your kidneys don’t work? Stop. Just stop. But doesn’t it make you feel kind of good to only be drunk and stupid?

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  6. I’m from Wisconsin. Apparently, our drinking culture is a little different than it is in Chicago, where I live now. I went out for lunch one weekend with some friends. I ordered a beer. No one else did. I asked something along the lines of, “What, am I the only one drinking?” And my friends said, “Oh no. We’re not day-drinkers.”

    What? It’s a beer with lunch. I’m not hanging out in a lawn chair on my front lawn, drinking a beer with ketchup stains on my wifebeater. Geez.

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  7. Ok… What you’re gonna have to do is find the biggest drug addict in the joint… And knock them out.

    Oh… Wait… That might be prison rules.

    Whatever. I’m sure it’ll work here too.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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  8. You know… TECHNICALLY it’s not too late to develop one of those drug dependencies… but that would be more “short term gain, long term pain”. So… maybe not.

    Your call.
    😉

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  9. Pingback: The Wonderful World of Broadcasting, Episode II | hoodyhoo

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