Iiiiiiiii-KEA! (Gesundheit!)

Alright, it’s confession time in the Hoody Hoo Household again, Hooligans.

mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa, Lord, I am not worthy to receive thee…

My name is Hoody Hoo… and I hate IKEA.

Hear me out:  That fucking store, besides being the absolute antithesis to originality in decorating, is also a goddamn roach motel.  They get you in there and you CAN’T.  GET.  OUT.  You have to follow those motherfucking footprints and/or arrows wherever the Overmind cares to take you, no matter what you actually came to shop FOR.  And those so-called “shortcuts?”  Fuck you, IKEA, those take me further out of my way than if I just walked through the entire store.  ALL I WANTED WAS THE BATHROOM!

But really, the only reason I ever even darken their door is the Swedish Meatballs… BUT those Swedish bastards have made sure I can’t get to the Cafe until I’ve walked through EVERY.  DISPLAY.  EVER.  And don’t go thinking you’ll slip past ’em by going to the Food Stand outside the checkout — those motherfuckers have pizza and shit — which I can get AT HOME, IKEA!  Grrrr…

I do not appreciate this, Sweden.  Your duplicity has been duly noted.

In fact, as my contractor whose brother lives in your fair country told me:

“You know what they call IKEA in Sweden?”


Wait for it


Watch your asses, Sweden.  You’re one recipe away from complete obsolescence.

P.S.  Last trip, The Concubine bought IKEA-brand drinking straws.  IKEA’s straws suck.  In that they do NOT.  Suck, that is.  Fuck you, IKEA.




Filed under Getchore LEARN on!, Jesus and Pals, La Vida Loca, My Secret Shame(s), WTF???

22 responses to “Iiiiiiiii-KEA! (Gesundheit!)

  1. I have never darkened the door of an Ikea. I was going to leave a snarky comment but I realized that I have no idea what you are talking about. So, I will continue to studiously ignore the Swedish Roach Motel, in hopes that I never taste these meatballs of which you speak. Crack is whack.


  2. They must have learned their lesson when they came west – the Denver IKEA’s snack bar is the first thing. No walking past their fruit medley and cinnamon rolls, risking that you will be too weak to fully consider whether you need their plastic bag holder.

    We go to IKEA for the event of it so we would never dream of taking a short cut. I almost was to breed just so we can fully appreciate the splendor of the kids section.

    And I don’t believe their furniture is quality any more than I believe Starbucks has good coffee, but the laminate on their shelves and desks is better than the laminate at Target or KMart. Can’t speak to Walmart because…well…Walmart, ick.


  3. I was thinking of moving in to an Ikea. I mean, would they notice? I could sleep in a different bed every night, pee in a different toilet…

    Seriously. Ikea squatting. It’ll be big.

    Of course, I’ve never actually been IN an Ikea. Maybe I would change my mind if I actually showed up.


  4. Yeah, but seriously . . . those meatballs. Gawd, they are crazy ridiculously good!! Now I’m craving them, cuz it’s been so long since I’ve had them, and I refuse to actually GO to IKEA to get them, and my mom, who is my ball dealer, is in FL. Drats!


  5. I like Ikea, and I’ve never even had their meatballs. They’re responsible for one of my all-time favorite TV commercials: http://youtu.be/dBqhIVyfsRg


  6. I never understand the argument, “But everything is so CHEAP!” I mean, haven’t people heard of thrift stores by now?


  7. Valerie

    I hate IKEA too!!! I remember getting my very first big girl bedroom set from there. First off it was not only impossible to put together, but was missing screw. I had to rig the stupid thing up and ended up not being able to use the last drawer.

    I wasted a whole 50 cents on that damned dresser!!




    • I just love how all the assembly instructions show the little IKEA man, trying to do it by himself and looking sad — then they show him with a friend and they’re both happy. WHAT IF I DON’T HAVE A FRIEND, IKEA?


  8. Dear Sweet Mama

    Shame on you, Hoody. You know we love the Ikea in this household. And remember – that is where we plan to help you furnish your new home when that happens. So – love the dark side (actually, it is a light birch veneer side, but love it anyway).


  9. Cinema Sugar

    Just testing this space. I have nothing of value to contribute as, as you well know, we don’t have ikea or nothin’ round these parts. Just reestablishing my wordpress. You can’t get rid of me, muah ha ha! Not linking to tweets or anything – staying incognito. Your readers can just consider me the Jesus skank or whatever.

    Are you watching Buckwild in place of Jersey Shore now?


    • Welcome back, we missed you! And I watched a little bit of the first episode of Buckwild before The Concubine got annoyed with DSM and I going, “I think I know that dude!” all the time.


  10. Cinema Sugar

    My wordpress is broken. It won’t link to the blog, like I can’t get the old one back. So I’ll start fresh and let you know who I am eventually. JS (Jesus Skank)


  11. Because I’ve spent the better part of my 20’s being poor and eating lots of Ramen noodles, it only makes sense my entire apartment is constructed of poorly-constructed Ikea furniture. And also why my entire apartment decor is falling apart 😦


  12. As soon as you get to the top of the escalator turn left instead of going straight ahead – you will be at the stairs down with the cafeteria right across from you. Not sure about yours, but it is this way in the four Ikeas I’ve been in.


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