Okay, so everyone now knows the general Rules of Crap Films and Television. But what about the wastes of celluloid that DON’T fit the categories? Never fear, there’s always a way to tell:
WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING (pt. 2)
1. You’ve watched for 10 minutes. Will there be a Christmas?
- YES. You are watching A Big-Budget Holiday Comedy. Vince Vaughn/Ben Stiller/Tim Allen will learn a valuable lesson through the healing power of the holiday season. The End.
- NO. You are once again watching a Hallmark movie. Have you learned nothing?
- There is a HOWEVER: If there WILL be a Christmas, but you’ve never heard of any of the actors, this is ALSO a Hallmark movie. Be on the lookout for John-Boy Walton and his mole, they’re in a lot of these.
2. Is there a Sad Clown and/or a Cigarette left smoking in An Ashtray?
- YES. You are watching A Foreign Film. Set your house on fire and join the Witness Protection Program.
- EXCEPTION: Is there ALSO an Unattractive Naked Person who used to be hot but is now in no possible way anywhere near hot?
- YES. You are watching An Oscar Contender.
All that being said, I’d like to return to Question #1 for a moment. Why the fuck have I never seen a movie in which Endearing-But-Poverty-Stricken Children/Talking Rodents/A Kindly-But-Misunderstood Stranger has to save HANUKKAH? I mean it. I want to see little Jewish mice frantically working to repair a clock so that Hanukkah can go on as scheduled. I want to see a Nice Old Man teaching a small town the symbolism of the eight nights. So far, the closest thing I’ve found is Shari Lewis and Lamb-Chop starring in a video about the Passover Seder, and that’s just fucked up on its very own level.
No one ever saves Kwanzaa, either…