Here’s Where It Gets Tricky

Okay, so everyone now knows the general Rules of Crap Films and Television.  But what about the wastes of celluloid that DON’T fit the categories?  Never fear, there’s always a way to tell:

WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING (pt. 2)

1.  You’ve watched for 10 minutes.  Will there be a Christmas?

  • YES.  You are watching A Big-Budget Holiday Comedy.  Vince Vaughn/Ben Stiller/Tim Allen will learn a valuable lesson through the healing power of the holiday season.  The End.
  • NO.  You are once again watching a Hallmark movie.  Have you learned nothing?
  • There is a HOWEVER:  If there WILL be a Christmas, but you’ve never heard of any of the actors, this is ALSO a Hallmark movie.  Be on the lookout for John-Boy Walton and his mole, they’re in a lot of these.

2.  Is there a Sad Clown and/or a Cigarette left smoking in An Ashtray?

 

  1. YES.  You are watching A Foreign Film.  Set your house on fire and join the Witness Protection Program.

 

  • EXCEPTION:  Is there ALSO an Unattractive Naked Person who used to be hot but is now in no possible way anywhere near hot?
  1. YES.  You are watching An Oscar Contender.

All that being said, I’d like to return to Question #1 for a moment.  Why the fuck have I never seen a movie in which Endearing-But-Poverty-Stricken Children/Talking Rodents/A Kindly-But-Misunderstood  Stranger has to save HANUKKAH?  I mean it.  I want to see little Jewish mice frantically working to repair a clock so that Hanukkah can go on as scheduled.  I want to see a Nice Old Man teaching a small town the symbolism of the eight nights.  So far, the closest thing I’ve found is Shari Lewis and Lamb-Chop starring in a video about the Passover Seder, and that’s just fucked up on its very own level.

No one ever saves Kwanzaa, either…

 

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8 Comments

Filed under At the Movies, I'm Confused, Jesus and Pals, WTF???

8 responses to “Here’s Where It Gets Tricky

  1. Yeah, what’s up with that? The closest I’ve ever seen is Hanukkah Harry on the SNL skit.

    Oh crap, just reminded me: must watch the best of the SNL Christmas specials.

    Like

  2. Because the war is on Christmas, silly. Only Christians are under attack.

    Like

  3. I think nobody ever saves Hanukkah or Kwanzaa because Hanukkah and Kwanzaa never have to be saved. Nobody every tries to ruin Hanukkah or Kwanzaa because nobody resents Hanukkah or Kwanzaa as much as we all resent Christmas!

    Like

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