In honor of the seemingly-endless stream of CRAP being viewed on this household’s TV this season, it’s time for everyone’s favorite game. Gather round, boys and girls, and let’s get ready to play:
WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING?
Let’s get started: Girl Meets Boy.
1. Does Girl like Boy?
- A. Yes.
- B. No. STOP. You are watching a Nicholas Sparks movie. Girl will grudgingly go out with Boy, then they will be separated by something beyond their control, then Girl will have an epiphany – “But I LUUUUURVE him!” And Boy will end up dead. The End.
2. Girl DOES like Boy…. Does Boy like Girl back?
- A. Yes. STOP. Refer to Answer 1B.
- B. No.
3. Boy DOES NOT like Girl. Why?
- A. Boy is oblivious. STOP. You are watching a Lifetime movie. Girl will die and Boy will be sorry, that motherfucker. The End.
- B. Boy is imaginary. STOP. You are watching “Charmed.” Stop that, he’s mine.
- C. Boy is unattainable.
4. Boy IS UNATTAINABLE because:
- A. He is of a different social standing. STOP. You are watching A(n) (H)istorical Romance. Someone is going to be executed. The End.
- B. He is of a different social standing BUT love conquers all. STOP. You are watching a Disney movie. For verification, check for things singing that should not be able to sing, i.e., rodents and teapots.
- C. He is a vampire.
- Subquestion: Boy is a vampire. Is there glitter?
- A. Yes. STOP. You are watching Twilight. Das ist verboten.
- B. No. STOP. You are watching “True Blood.” Carry on.
OR OPTION D: NONE OF THE ABOVE
5. NONE OF THE ABOVE apply. Unattainable Boy CAN be obtained, but only if Girl:
- A. Completes a Quest. STOP. You are watching a Sci-Fi/Fantasy Movie. There will be either dragons or spaceships, Girl’s only Friend will die, and Boy will probably not like Girl anyway, but Girl will be the better person for it. The End.
- B. Abandons her Friends and Family with much Wailing and Remorse. STOP. You are watching a 1980’s Teen Drama. This will not end well, but you have Haagen-Daas. The End.
- C. Puts out.
6. Girl must PUT OUT to obtain Unattainable Boy. What happens?
- A. It happens in Creepy Wooded Setting. STOP. You are watching a Horror Movie. Anyone who has sex will die, the call is coming from inside the house, and any evil killers previously presumed to be dead will end up not being dead. Underwear may feature heavily. The End.
- B. It happens in a Non-Wooded Area.
7. Girl PUTS OUT in a Non-Wooded Area. And?
- Girl is hot. STOP. See Answer 6A.
- Girl is NOT hot.
- Subquestion: Are Girl’s Friends hot?
- Yes. STOP. You are watching an After School Special. Boy will leave Girl for her Hot Friend, possibly after Knocking Girl Up and Giving Girl Herpes. The End.
- Girl has no Friends. STOP. See Answer C1A (Yeah, Twilight again).
- No. STOP. See Answer 5B.
Of course, there are simpler versions, such as:
- You’ve watched for 10 minutes. Will there be a Christmas?
- Is there a Sad Clown and/or a Cigarette left smoking in An Ashtray?
- Is there an Unattractive Naked Person who used to be hot but is now in no possible way anywhere near hot?
We’ll cover these and more contingencies in our next lesson.