Two Kinds of Hell

Well, as we all know by now, if the Christian version of Hell actually exists, I?  Is going to it.  But now, I may be adding the Jewish version (Sheol?  I think that’s it, but Catholic education can be rather sketchy in that area).  I present my latest money-making scheme humanitarian enterprise:

Hoody Hoo’s Help for Hebrews.

Shut up!  Having moved to an area with a lot (and I do mean a LOOOOOOOOOT — as in, everyone at the DMV and the library and whatnot except me and Dear Sweet Mama) of really really Orthodox Jews (the ones who wear all black and have the curly sideburns — also known as “Hairdo Jews”) I think there’s a market being overlooked.  Y’see, your really really Orthodox Jews aren’t supposed to do any kind of work on the Sabbath – i.e, sundown on Friday until sundown on Saturday.  And “work” means ANY work — from balancing the checkbook to mowing the lawn to (for the really really REALLY Orthodox) opening and closing doors.

I, being a gawddamned heathen, can open my doors WHENEVER.  THE FUCK.  I WANT.  Not that I’m sitting home nights doing that, but if I wanted to, I could, and Jesus wouldn’t get mad.  So, I will hire myself out to go around to Jewish households on Friday and Saturday, doing crap they forgot to do until it was too late.  Although our new oven came with a feature called “Sabbath Timer” so it would turn on the oven FOR you Saturday evening, but then who’s gonna get that roast OUT for you, Moishe?  Better call Hoody Hoo’s Help for Hebrews.

And I’ve already begun my international incident good works.  Just yesterday, I was in the convenience store and one of the middlin’-Orthodox Jews came up (he was wearing all black including a black yarmulke but he had no sideburns).  And he wanted the Pakistani clerk to give him a quarter for his 2 dimes and a nickel when he opened the cash register to take my money.  But I was using a debit card (cash money is SO 90’s), so he would have been out of luck, but I remembered I DID have some loose change in my pocket.

Unfortunately, I had already begun the quarter-giving process when I remembered:  He can’t touch me, I’m unclean.  But I (sort of) saved the day by giving the quarter to the Pakistani clerk, who then gave it to the quarter-needing Jew, who then passed the 2 dimes and a nickel back to me, again via the clerk.

Although, I am a little pissed off now.  I mean, apparently that whole interchange means a possible Muslim is less unclean than I am, simply because he’s male.  I get it:  goyim, shiksa even, soooo unclean.  And I was on my period, so triple-threat.

But how could he have known that?

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7 Comments

Filed under Adventures with Dear Sweet Mama, GENIUS!, I'm Confused, Jesus and Pals, La Vida Loca, WTF???

7 responses to “Two Kinds of Hell

  1. I live in a similar kind of neighborhood, a lone goyim, surrounded by Orthodox Jews. I pass them every Saturday as they walk to temple and I’m roaring down the street blasting Highway to Hell, on my way to Wendy’s for a bacon cheeseburger.

    Once, my young Orthodox Jewish neighbor locked himself out of his apartment on a Friday night. He asked me to call the landlord for him. I handed him my phone, but he said he couldn’t dial the phone himself. I totally should have dialed a phone sex line or something, before putting him on the line.

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  2. I think the idea of being literally a local ‘Gal Friday’ is sadly overlooked. Buy some cotton gloves and a bell to announce your heathen presence and go for it!

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    • I thought I could just stand in the yard and holler, “Hey! You Jews! You need anything?” And they could peek out the window at me and nod if they had any chores needing done. But the gloves are an excellent point — don’t want my goy germs all over the place!

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  3. I must, absolutely MUST, send you the beer – Hebrew Brew or as we call it Jew Brew. That way when you are helping out with their chores you can swill some kosher brew at the same time. Its a win-win!

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  4. Pingback: Hey, Dumbass! | hoodyhoo

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