Well, as we all know by now, if the Christian version of Hell actually exists, I? Is going to it. But now, I may be adding the Jewish version (Sheol? I think that’s it, but Catholic education can be rather sketchy in that area). I present my latest
money-making scheme humanitarian enterprise:
Hoody Hoo’s Help for Hebrews.
Shut up! Having moved to an area with a lot (and I do mean a LOOOOOOOOOT — as in, everyone at the DMV and the library and whatnot except me and Dear Sweet Mama) of really really Orthodox Jews (the ones who wear all black and have the curly sideburns — also known as “Hairdo Jews”) I think there’s a market being overlooked. Y’see, your really really Orthodox Jews aren’t supposed to do any kind of work on the Sabbath – i.e, sundown on Friday until sundown on Saturday. And “work” means ANY work — from balancing the checkbook to mowing the lawn to (for the really really REALLY Orthodox) opening and closing doors.
I, being a gawddamned heathen, can open my doors WHENEVER. THE FUCK. I WANT. Not that I’m sitting home nights doing that, but if I wanted to, I could, and Jesus wouldn’t get mad. So, I will hire myself out to go around to Jewish households on Friday and Saturday, doing crap they forgot to do until it was too late. Although our new oven came with a feature called “Sabbath Timer” so it would turn on the oven FOR you Saturday evening, but then who’s gonna get that roast OUT for you, Moishe? Better call Hoody Hoo’s Help for Hebrews.
And I’ve already begun my
international incident good works. Just yesterday, I was in the convenience store and one of the middlin’-Orthodox Jews came up (he was wearing all black including a black yarmulke but he had no sideburns). And he wanted the Pakistani clerk to give him a quarter for his 2 dimes and a nickel when he opened the cash register to take my money. But I was using a debit card (cash money is SO 90’s), so he would have been out of luck, but I remembered I DID have some loose change in my pocket.
Unfortunately, I had already begun the quarter-giving process when I remembered: He can’t touch me, I’m unclean. But I (sort of) saved the day by giving the quarter to the Pakistani clerk, who then gave it to the quarter-needing Jew, who then passed the 2 dimes and a nickel back to me, again via the clerk.
Although, I am a little pissed off now. I mean, apparently that whole interchange means a possible Muslim is less unclean than I am, simply because he’s male. I get it: goyim, shiksa even, soooo unclean. And I was on my period, so triple-threat.
But how could he have known that?