The Ratventures Continue

As promised, I will now relate still more rat-based adventures involving members of the Hoo Family… strap on in, kids!

SCENE:  HOODY’S CHILDHOOD HOME: EXT: DRIVEWAY

Dear Sweet Mama is taking a dinner plate to Poor Ol’ Dad, who is working at Childhood Hometown Police Department.  Said dinner consists of the dinner itself and one of those big ol’ 12 oz. glass bottles of Pepsi (if you don’t remember soda in glass bottles, you’re probably too young to be reading this blog).  So, DSM is balancing plate and Pepsi, unlocking the door of the car… then it happened.

One of them big damn river rats had apparently been taking his ease under the car, and he chose that moment to poke his head out… directly between Dear Sweet Mama’s feet.  So DSM did the only thing she could do in self-defense:

She peed on it.

Of course, she also flung dinner and Pepsi high into the air and raced back into the house, so the rat probably thought it was a pretty good deal:  put up with a little pee and screaming, get a free dinner!  And DSM was only followin’ her raisin’, as we say.

SCENE: DSM’S PARENTS’ HOUSE: EXT: BACKYARD

Dear Sweet Mama’s Mama (my Dear Sweet Grandmama) is hanging clothes on the line to dry out back of their house.  The backyard has a little stream (or, in WBGV-ese, a “crick”) at the bottom of it, and it is from this area that the intruder most likely emerged.

Yes, a rat for some reason crept up on DSGM while she was hanging clothes, and when she happened to glance down, there it was, between her feet.

So she peed on it.

There was also a similar incident involving a black snake which also ended up peed on… and then there’s the time DSGM accidentally disturbed a bee/wasp/hornet/stinging death machine nest and had to run like hell for the house, stripping her clothes off as she went to divest herself of bees, in full view of the neighbors.

Which brings us to… something EVEN WORSE than a rat that can come up out of your terlet.

SCENE: EAST COAST AUNT’S HOUSE: INT: BATHROOM


East Coast Aunt had just had a new house built and had… shall we say… had some disagreements with the contractors, the builders, the workers, etc.  But the house was finally finished to her satisfaction, and they were finally able to move in.

A short time later, ECA notices a strange sound coming from the vicinity of one of the bathrooms. It isn’t a DRIPPING noise, like you might expect, or a THUMPING noise, like something might have come loose somewhere… it’s more of a… BUZZING.

Yes, East Coast Aunt tracked the sound to its source… only to find it was coming from the terlet… which was full of BEES.

BEES… in the TERLET

DSM and I still maintain this was the result of some evil contractor-voodoo in retaliation for ECA’s constant bitching, but still…

BEES… IN THE TERLET.

Sleep well, kiddies!

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13 Comments

Filed under Adventures with Dear Sweet Mama, Getchore LEARN on!, La Vida Loca, Only in Wes' BYGAWD Virginny, WTF???

13 responses to “The Ratventures Continue

  1. AHH BEES IN THE TOILET?!?! Also, is peeing on rats a thing? They live in sewers, I can’t imagine they’d really mind that much…

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    • In my family, the best self-defense move any of us have managed to learn is peeing on things. Oh, and ripping our own clothes off in the event of clothing-invaders.

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  2. Funny how the one time the threat is actually in the terlet is the one time it doesn’t get peed on.

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  3. SLEEP?? Hell, I’m holding it in until I explode! No more terlets for me.

    I love how in your family, when the women are surprised, they pee on the thing that surprised them. I really hope Chuckweasel isn’t planning any surprise parties in your future. That could get ugly. And wet.

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  4. Good god. I’m about to have a rat-free-pee right now. My new coworker thinks I’m a crazy person now, thank you.

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  5. Edwin Drooooooood

    All those stories of terlet danger, yet I am still able to take a shnap! I guess my bio needs are stronger than my psycho fears.

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  6. Peeing works in self defense? I’ve never tried that. I’m pretty sure I can’t run, scream and pee all at the same time. I’ve also never had to rip my clothes off for any reason. I’m now feeling very lucky….yet somehow inexperienced. Hmm….

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  7. fetchmyflyingmonkeys

    I thought only peeing on jellyfish stings worked.

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  8. I’ll have to try the peeing thing. But beating things with a broom usually works for me 🙂

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  9. So, does this only work on scary wildlife? Or can I, say, just as a possible example, pee on my boss when she makes a surprise visit and scares the bejesus out of me while I am facebooking on company time?

    Just hypothetically speaking, I mean.

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  10. I’m seriously considering replacing my toilets with giant litter boxes right now.

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  11. Jo

    Huh. I’m beginning to think that your family is actually more interesting than mine.
    Thank gawd.

    And no thanks for the terlet nightmares that are sure to come my way now.

    I’m so glad you’re out of the hospital. Can you avoid going there anymore? Please? (Good! Love you!)

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  12. Hooooooo-ddddyyyyyyyyy!!!! Hellllloooooo????

    You don’t call, you don’t write . . .

    I’ts been a week . . . we’ve talked about this, girl. If you are ok, check in. Don’t make me come out there to WesByGawd Virginny to check on you!

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