Poor Ol’ Dad to the Rescue!

Before my pancreas decided we weren’t paying enough attention to it, I had mentioned that, in his days as a city police officer, my Poor Ol’ Dad once had to shoot a rat that had crawled up outta somebody’s toilet.  Turns out, I had some of the story wrong, so here’s what really happened from the man himself:

SCENE:  CRAPPY TENEMENT APARTMENTS NEAR THE POLICE STATION OF HOODY’S CHILDHOOD HOMETOWN

Poor Ol’ Dad, being a much kinder policeman than the one who laughed at Dear Sweet Mama, responds to a call from an extremely distraught woman who has apparently had a big ol’ river rat crawl up outta her terlet (and we had some HUGE fuckin’ rats, I’m talking the size of a basset hound).  So the woman had slammed the lid down on the terlet (yes, once there’s a rat in it, “toilet” is spelled “terlet”) and ran out of the bathroom to try to trap it in there.  She also tried the old wives’ tale that if you pour hot water on the terlet rat, it will get pissed off and go back from whence it came, i.e.; back down the terlet.

This is only partially true:  That rat ain’t going nowhere, but he IS pretty damn pissed off.

Enter Poor Ol’ Dad, who is immediately accosted by this hysterical citizen demanding he  shoot the terlet rat.  Now, POD is quite the intelligent fellow, and he quickly realizes that if he shoots the rat while it’s still in the terlet, there’s going to be pieces of terlet everywhere.  Not wanting the Childhood Hometown Police Department to incur any terlet-replacement costs, he decides to try a different approach.

So, he lifts the lid… and, in his words, the rat “levitated” up outta the terlet, intent on eating Poor Ol’ Dad’s face off.  So he ended up having to stomp on it in self-defense.

And that’s why, to this day, the Hoo Family keeps the toilet lids DOWN when not in use.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE:  Tune in tomorrow for the tale of Dear Sweet Mama’s Adventures in Ratdom, along with HER Mama’s own rodent encounters.  After that, I may share East Coast Aunt’s discovery that there is something worse than a rat which can come up outta the terlet…

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27 Comments

Filed under Getchore LEARN on!, La Vida Loca, Only in Wes' BYGAWD Virginny, Poor Ol' Dad, Wild Kingdom, WTF???

27 responses to “Poor Ol’ Dad to the Rescue!

  1. AHHHH I have a ridiculous fear of toilet rats, even though I don’t think they exist where i am…

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  2. Aw, shit! I thought snakes were the thing to worry about with terlets. Now I gotta watch out for rats?? WTF? Might as well just squat in the woods. It’s safer.

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  3. Wow. Y’all are really very so so so very kun-tree!!

    And yeah, I am imagining how she discovered this rat in her terlet and am shuddering just thinking about THAT sensation. Brrrrrrrrr!!!

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  4. Jen

    I have a cousin who spent a summer working nights shooting the nutria along the Willamette river. Yeah, we are a classy fucking bunch in the “Sais Quoi” family, yo.

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    • I know what nutria are, but it sure sounds like some kind of artificial sweetener.

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      • I know, right? Do you think some hillbilly was eating one and said, “Damn, these things are tasty and good for you too! We’ll call them….Nutritions. Nah, too long. Nutria!”

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        • Jen: I didn’t know y’all had nutria out in Oregon! Do y’all eat ’em like they do in Louisiana?
          Bluz: I’d rather be attacked by Sweet n’ Low than a rat with orange teeth!
          Andi:I can’t vouch for the tastiness — I may be country, but I draw the line at eating rodents!

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  5. I always keep the terlet seat down… but not for bun security. I lower the lid before flushing to keep the poop molecules from swishing around the air and landing on my toothbrush. That is not the kind of “shit-eating grin” that I care to display.

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  6. I am never moving away from here. Nothing comes up our toilets. Out mice are the size of quarters. The closest this to sewer critters is the gigantic raccoon that lives in the drainage, and he’s afraid of cats.

    There is a box turtle living in the lake in the park…

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  7. Virago

    Your dad was a quick thinker!
    I grew up on a little hardscrabble hillside southern New England farm.  Occasionally we had water rats that came up from the stream, to the barn, drawn by the grain for the horses and cows.  The grain got stored in galvanized metal garbage cans standing inside a big wooden bin with a lid- envision a really big wooden toybox, and you’ll know the shape I mean.  For a kid, that grain bin lid was _heavy_, and opening it with my short arms meant my face was right over the tops of the metal cans.  Finding a rat trying to scrabble up the side of a can at me was scary, the few times it happened, but for sheer terror, nothing compared to the day that a HUGE raccoon had gotten in there.  When I opened the lid, it LEVITATED out straight at me and knocked me down running away.  I may possibly have peed myself a little.  I only figured out it wasn’t actually a 60 pound rat, or a demon, in retrospect.  
    Also, the embedded link to the “DSM & the po-lice” post is messed up, and takes me to the “DSM & the snapping turtle” post – which is a great story, but not the one I was looking for! 😦

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    • As for the link, you have to scroll down to DSM’s comment to get the po-po reference… and why is it that frightening animals always seem to want to LEAP at you???

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  8. Ok, as a kid I used to have a fear of zombies or creatures reaching up the toilet and grabbing my nether parts.

    This story? SO NOT HELPING, HOODY. Thank you for that.

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  9. This is the main reason why I will not (1) ever in my life use an outhouse and (2) why I have an incredible fear of the alligator boy grabbing my girl parts if I use a porta potty!

    Now, you just made me fear my own terlet. Damn You Hoody, Damn You!

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  10. Pingback: Round up of good stuff | Autumn People

  11. Pingback: The Ratventures Continue | hoodyhoo

  12. Edwin Drooooooood

    How heavy are toilet lids in the south? In the midwest they are not heavy enough to keep a rat from escaping!

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  13. fetchmyflyingmonkeys

    I would doodie in the yard before sitting on that toilet ever again.

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