Before my pancreas decided we weren’t paying enough attention to it, I had mentioned that, in his days as a city police officer, my Poor Ol’ Dad once had to shoot a rat that had crawled up outta somebody’s toilet. Turns out, I had some of the story wrong, so here’s what really happened from the man himself:
SCENE: CRAPPY TENEMENT APARTMENTS NEAR THE POLICE STATION OF HOODY’S CHILDHOOD HOMETOWN
Poor Ol’ Dad, being a much kinder policeman than the one who laughed at Dear Sweet Mama, responds to a call from an extremely distraught woman who has apparently had a big ol’ river rat crawl up outta her terlet (and we had some HUGE fuckin’ rats, I’m talking the size of a basset hound). So the woman had slammed the lid down on the terlet (yes, once there’s a rat in it, “toilet” is spelled “terlet”) and ran out of the bathroom to try to trap it in there. She also tried the old wives’ tale that if you pour hot water on the terlet rat, it will get pissed off and go back from whence it came, i.e.; back down the terlet.
This is only partially true: That rat ain’t going nowhere, but he IS pretty damn pissed off.
Enter Poor Ol’ Dad, who is immediately accosted by this hysterical citizen demanding he shoot the terlet rat. Now, POD is quite the intelligent fellow, and he quickly realizes that if he shoots the rat while it’s still in the terlet, there’s going to be pieces of terlet everywhere. Not wanting the Childhood Hometown Police Department to incur any terlet-replacement costs, he decides to try a different approach.
So, he lifts the lid… and, in his words, the rat “levitated” up outta the terlet, intent on eating Poor Ol’ Dad’s face off. So he ended up having to stomp on it in self-defense.
And that’s why, to this day, the Hoo Family keeps the toilet lids DOWN when not in use.
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE: Tune in tomorrow for the tale of Dear Sweet Mama’s Adventures in Ratdom, along with HER Mama’s own rodent encounters. After that, I may share East Coast Aunt’s discovery that there is something worse than a rat which can come up outta the terlet…