Dear Sweet Mama Never Learns, Part II

As promised, I will soon relate Part II of “The Legend(s) of Dear Sweet Mama vs. the Snapping Turtle(s), but first, an editorial comment from the horse’s ass mouth:

Dear Sweet Mama Comments:

I can’t believe you left out the part where his freakishing strong jaws on his little mean eye head whipped out on a neck that grew 6 feet long and almost made me a peg legged DSM. Or the phone call to the POlice asking for assistance which left them laughing and DSM cussing – often the case.

Yes, it’s true, DSM did in fact at first attempt to “nudge” the turtle with her foot… which he did not appreciate, resulting in a mighty leap backwards into a more turtle-free zone.  No, this did not prevent her from bending over to look at the turtle (directly at his “little mean eye head”), which produced very similar results.  And yes, I had forgotten we had called the PO-lice, as we say here in Wes’BYGAWD Virginny, but our PO-lice are notoriously unwilling to deal with critter-related emergencies.  Which is bad, ’cause we got a lot o’ critters.  Although my Poor Ol’ Dad did once have to shoot a rat that had crawled up outta someone’s toilet… ‘nother story for ‘nother time.

Anyhoo, the unwillingness of the police to assist with the previous turtle may have contributed to:

The Legend(s) of Dear Sweet Mama

vs. the Snapping Turtle(s)


Fast forward several years (we’re not counting how many!), Dear Sweet Mama and the Concubine are living in (I think) Maryland, and Grown-up (shut up!) Hoody is safe at home in Snapping Turtle Witness Protection.  That’s when the phone rings, and DSM relates the following tale:

It seems she and the Concubine were driving along, and they saw a turtle in the road.  Being good folk, they decided they would rescue the turtle and keep it from getting hit by a car.  But instead of doing what normal most people would do, and simply moving the turtle off to one side, the girls (well, mostly the Concubine, to hear DSM tell it) decided they needed to take him to some water.


Now, DSM would have you believe this is where she showed her intelligence and experience with turtles:  Being that she knew he was a SNAPPING turtle, she did not want him freely roaming the car (station wagon = no trunk for turtle transportation).  So she put him in a box.


After the previous turtle (Turtle I) had demonstrated that this particular brand of turtle could bite through WOOD, DSM thought this turtle (Turtle II) would be contained by a flimsy cardboard box.

The drive ensued.

Shortly, DSM heard what she described as “ominous” noises from the cargo area (remember, STATION WAGON, no barrier between the dumbasses girls and their increasingly-irate and unwilling passenger).  I can only assume “ominous” is a synonym for “chewy and bitey”… soon to be followed by “thumpy and crawly.”

Yes, they did somehow manage to get Turtle II to a nearby lake, I think by backing up to the water and shoving at him until he crawled out.  But for the duration of the drive, DSM and the Concubine were driving through town with an angry, unconfined snapping turtle in the car.

I sincerely hope THIS TIME they’ve learned their lesson… but I doubt it.




Filed under Adventures with Dear Sweet Mama, Getchore LEARN on!, La Vida Loca, Reality Bites, SCIENCE!

13 responses to “Dear Sweet Mama Never Learns, Part II

  1. Hahahhaha sounds like they need to have a snapping turtle cage in their car. You know, for next time.


  2. Dear Sweet Mama

    We do carry a plastic crate that I think will hold out to attack a little longer than a cardboard box.


  3. You need an entire blog . . . THE ADVENTURES OF DEAR SWEET MAMA. Betcha you would never run out of material.

    I’m surprised she still has all her fingers and toes at this point! 🙂


  4. I will stop to carry terrapins out of the middle of the road, but again, snapping turtles? Axe to the head. Or left to get splattered in traffic.


  5. Snapping turtle… oh hell to the no! your DSM is brave, brave I say


  6. bluzdude

    DSM definitely needs a blog of her own.


  7. Ha! Obi is mad at you – me laughing at this post has disturbed his nap.


  8. No fucking way would I pick up a snapper, a box turtle, yes.


  9. I’m simultaneously terrified and impressed by DSM. I mean, her heart is as big as the entire outdoors….but her sense of self-preservation may be a bit lacking. That’s ok, I’m a huge weenie SO here’s what I propose: next time DSM has to go anywhere, I’ll go along as a chaperone! Because I’m always the person who KNOWS the turtle will chew through the box.


  10. Pingback: Poor Ol’ Dad to the Rescue! | hoodyhoo

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s