Our lovely and talented Minister of Finance, LeeAnn, recently regaled us with the tale of her heroic rescue of one of the inbred waterhead kittens she has living under her house. So I have no choice but to relate…
The Legend(s) of Dear Sweet Mama
vs. the Snapping Turtle(s)
PART I.
We begin our tale long ago (shut up!) when Hoody was but a wee slip of a lass (shut UP!) still living in her Childhood Home with Dear Sweet Mama (yes, the same Childhood Home with the bottomless bucket of poop in the yard). DSM and Young Hoody were going out somewhere, and as they passed the fence post that butted up against the side of the house, they beheld a strange sight:
A snapping turtle, apparently emerging from hibernation in the mud, had somehow managed to get itself wedged between the fence and the house. Vertically, so it was a-waving all its little legs helplessly. And DSM and Hoody swung into action.
Now, a brief note for those of you who do NOT hail from out the holler, a snapping turtle looks like this:
And yes, if he appears angry to you, imagine how angry he would be if he was covered in mud and trapped between the fence and the house, balanced upright on his wee turtle tail. And hissing. And snapping. But DSM and Hoody were undeterred in their mission of mercy.
So they got a stick.
And they tried to use the stick to poke the turtle sideways so that he would slide out of the gap he was stuck in and go upon his way.
Turtle don’t play dat.
That damn thing whipped his big ol’ angry head around on his freakishly long neck… AND BIT THE STICK IN HALF.
So DSM and Hoody repaired to the house to find something more durable to poke the turtle with (i.e., something a turtle could not, at least theoretically, bite through)… but when they emerged a short time later, the turtle appeared to have solved his own problems and gotten free on his own.
So DSM and Hoody repaired back into the house again… because that meant the turtle was LOOSE. And they had POKED it.
You’d think that would be enough to teach DSM that snapping turtles do not appreciate the kindness of strangers. But no! Stay tuned for Part II tomorrow!
hoodyhoo 
I can’t believe you left out the part where his freakishing strong jaws on his little mean eye head whipped out on a neck that grew 6 feet long and almost made me a peg legged DSM. Or the phone call to the POlice asking for assistance which left them laughing and DSM cussing – often the case.
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Well, I WAS trying to preserve the illusion that you were smart enough not to actually get CLOSE to the Prehistoric Hell Beast… so much for that! And I had completely blocked out the fact that “protect and serve” doesn’t apply in turtle-related emergencies!
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We had a snapping turtle the size of a dinner plate in the yard/swamp here recently. I had no idea it was one of Godzilla’s escaped hemorrhoids. I was out there cooing and talking babytalk to it until H said, “Know what that it?” and told me the many many horror stories about such that I’d missed as a child.
I can’t believe you ever dared go outside again, knowing there was a monster lurking, peeved by pokeage.
That would be a good band name…. Peeved By Pokeage.
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If I played anything other than the clarinet, we would totally start a garage band called Peeved by Pokeage, and our trademark would be that we would throw little plastic turtles into the audience!
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I am on the edge of my seat for the thrilling conclusion of this tale!! Did DSM and Hoody ever leave the house again? Did they lose any appendages? Did the evil turtle take over the world???
Tune in same turtle time, same turtle channel . . .
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Suspense. I haz it.
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Surely you could outrun a turtle, right? Or is turtles being slow just a stereotype? Or maybe his mud-camflouged shell gives him an advantage.
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Tortoises are slow. Turtles can be turbo! Oh, the danger!
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Turtles want you to THINK they’re slow, so they act slow when you’re watching… but when you’re NOT…
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When we’re not looking turtles can flip up on their edges and roll around like a hubcap thrown off by a pothole.
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See? DANGER.
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See, now that would just be cool. She says, living thousands of miles away from snapping turtles.
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NOT COOL! They are pointy on all sides, with the claws and the beaks! Like mean-ass living ninja stars!
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I, too, am on the edge of my seat breathlessly awaiting the conclusion of this cliffhanger. However, also being wise to the ways of the snapping turtle, I know how it would have ended were I at the scene: Mr. Turtle would not have been poked with a stick. He would have been beheaded with a long-handed ax.
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DSM knew that Wee Hoody would be traumatized by this… plus, I’m fairly sure if you miss on the first swing, you’re toast!
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When it comes to cliffhangers, you don’t mess around. Don’t tell me, let me guess…DSM found a snapping turtle head in her bed?
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Nope, but here’s a hint — she brought it on HERSELF!
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