Our lovely and talented Minister of Finance, LeeAnn, recently regaled us with the tale of her heroic rescue of one of the inbred waterhead kittens she has living under her house. So I have no choice but to relate…
The Legend(s) of Dear Sweet Mama
vs. the Snapping Turtle(s)
We begin our tale long ago (shut up!) when Hoody was but a wee slip of a lass (shut UP!) still living in her Childhood Home with Dear Sweet Mama (yes, the same Childhood Home with the bottomless bucket of poop in the yard). DSM and Young Hoody were going out somewhere, and as they passed the fence post that butted up against the side of the house, they beheld a strange sight:
A snapping turtle, apparently emerging from hibernation in the mud, had somehow managed to get itself wedged between the fence and the house. Vertically, so it was a-waving all its little legs helplessly. And DSM and Hoody swung into action.
Now, a brief note for those of you who do NOT hail from out the holler, a snapping turtle looks like this:
And yes, if he appears angry to you, imagine how angry he would be if he was covered in mud and trapped between the fence and the house, balanced upright on his wee turtle tail. And hissing. And snapping. But DSM and Hoody were undeterred in their mission of mercy.
So they got a stick.
And they tried to use the stick to poke the turtle sideways so that he would slide out of the gap he was stuck in and go upon his way.
Turtle don’t play dat.
That damn thing whipped his big ol’ angry head around on his freakishly long neck… AND BIT THE STICK IN HALF.
So DSM and Hoody repaired to the house to find something more durable to poke the turtle with (i.e., something a turtle could not, at least theoretically, bite through)… but when they emerged a short time later, the turtle appeared to have solved his own problems and gotten free on his own.
So DSM and Hoody repaired back into the house again… because that meant the turtle was LOOSE. And they had POKED it.
You’d think that would be enough to teach DSM that snapping turtles do not appreciate the kindness of strangers. But no! Stay tuned for Part II tomorrow!