The unending oddness that is my life continues with a call from Dear Sweet Mama:
Hoody Hoo: I had the most terrifying dreams last night, I woke up shaking and sweating! I think I had killed a dude and thought I killed his girlfriend but she wasn’t quite dead so she came after me…
Dear Sweet Mama: That’s weird, I had terrible dreams, too! I dreamed we were in Milwaukee with my parents (editor’s note: DSM’s parents are quite dead) and we were running away from riots and we had to cross this bridge and everybody kept telling us to jump but it was like over Niagara Falls or something…
HH: That dude survived that time he went over Niagara Falls in a barrel, right? We mighta made it…
DSM: Well, HE had a barrel, WE did not… we were sans barrel! You don’t jump off a bridge sans barrel!
*Break for maniacal laughter and plans to make t-shirts that say “Leave me alone, I’m sans barrel,” etc.*
HH: Callie Jean is loving that piece of wicker she tore out of the paper plate holder.
DSM: Of course, she does, it was free. If you had spent money on it, none of them would be interested. Like when you buy your kid a $300 whatever and they play with the box!
HH: You remember the time me and Childhood Friend built that robot out of a box? And we put a tape player in the box so it could talk!
DSM: You girls were…
HH (interrupting): GIFTED, Mama. The word is GIFTED.
DSM: Yeah, that’s it.
HH: Although we did also try to get our fool selves killed trying to “rappel” down the riverbank on a clothesline… Of course, YOU actually did slide down the riverbank smack into some fornicating ducks…
DSM: It wasn’t on purpose! They should have had a barrel!
*More maniacal laughter including plans to create jobs by appointing someone to go around putting out barrels for ducks to fuck in so they won’t scare the children.*
Conclusion: There are 2 types of people in the world — those who have their barrel, and those who are sans barrel. If you have your barrel, life is cool and you’ve pretty much got things under control. If you’re sans barrel, you’re fairly fucked.
hoodyhoo 
Hahah sounds like your childhood was pretty adventurous to me! Very imaginative, at least.
LikeLike
I grew up in the, “fuck it, the Russians are gonna nuke us all to hell anyway… WOLVERINES!!!” 80’s, so DSM encouraged me to develop skills that might be useful post-‘Pocolypse!
LikeLike
I’m going to start wearing a barrel instead of clothes. Then I’ll always be prepared.
LikeLike
Make sure you add suspenders to the barrel. That way you have something to hold it up. Plus, it adds a touch of fashion and class, n’est pas?
LikeLike
If you bedazzle that barrel, I would so help you. And have Mindy and Mork like suspenders….PPPPLLLEEEASSEEE!!
LikeLike
Consider it done. Suspenders and bedazzled.
LikeLike
I love you crazy bitches so hard!
LikeLike
I want my barrel filled with beer. Or pickles. Nah… best to make it beer. Who ever talks about the great time they had at that “Pickle Bash?”
LikeLike
If we give you a barrel filled with beer, you may swiftly become sans barrel…
LikeLike
Dammit, I think I’ve been sans barrel for years now. Or as my own DSM used to say “up shit’s creek without a paddle.” Yeah, you weren’t the only one with a colorful childhood, Hoo. 🙂
LikeLike
We also have that creek here in Wes’BYGAWD Virgiinny. I have been up it sans barrel OR paddle on several occasions!
LikeLike
I have a barrel. Somewhere. I might have left it under a duck.
LikeLike
You gotta watch a duck… they seem to think every barrel is for them…
LikeLike
This is going to be my morning devotion. Dear Sweet Goddess, please do not let me be sans barrel today. And at night, Thank you, Lord of the Hunt, for providing me with a barrel. It works.
LikeLike
I think it’s all any of us can ask for, really!
LikeLike
Make mine a wine barrel, please. At least half full, preferably.
LikeLike
I guess then you wouldn’t care if you were sans barrel or not!
LikeLike
i need a barrel today, to hide in… i am wearing my new beige skirt and a white top… and now a GIANT coffee stain right down the front of both….
why i can manage to drink coffee and eat properly when i wear dark colours is beyond me! as soon as i have light colours on…. BAM! spilly-city…. wtf?
LikeLike
This is why I practice the school clothes method of wardrobe maintenance… very rarely do I allow myself to eat outside the home!
LikeLike
THIS: “Conclusion: There are 2 types of people in the world — those who have their barrel, and those who are sans barrel. If you have your barrel, life is cool and you’ve pretty much got things under control. If you’re sans barrel, you’re fairly fucked.” THIS? It’s gold!!!
PolishSpring
LikeLike
Thanks! I does what I can!
LikeLike
I thought I needed a towel, now it turns out it’s a barrel. Can we go back to the towel? They’re easier to carry and I feel less stupid with a towel in the back of my car. Of course, if you’re going over Niagra Falls, I guess you’d need both. Memo to self: never vacation with Hoody and DSM.
LikeLike
Oh, shut up, just because we get real drunk and get attacked by wayward possums…
LikeLike
I definitely have no barrel. Well, fuck a duck!
LikeLike
PERFECT! DSM and I can’t BELIEVE we didn’t think of that for a shirt!
LikeLike
And now the shambles that has been my life is explained. WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FUCKING BARREL???
LikeLike
Ducks, man. Ducks took it.
LikeLike
CLEARLY i have no barrel….
LikeLike
CLEARLY i have no barrel…. i’m so screwed.
LikeLike
It explains so much, doesn’t it?
LikeLike
You are hilarious. So is Dear Sweet Mama. Never go anywhere without a barrel. I’ll remember that.
LikeLike
And, as Andi pointed out, you also need your towel… elsewise they’ll build a Galactic Bypass through your house!
LikeLike