As I mentioned yesterday, my favorite local Pizza Joint very nearly got itself burnt the fuck down by a mysterious arsonist who was less-than-satisfied with her Pizza Joint experience (and we have NO IDEA who that could have been). We have, however, at great personal risk, obtained the following dispatches from the front lines of The Great Pizza Wars (messages intercepted via wire tap or other surveillance are in italics):
1100 hours: *FIELD OPERATIVES REPORT DELIVERY DUDE AT DOOR WITH SUBJECT.*
“This isn’t my receipt, this is the one for the $85 order y’all got just before me. Sure, I’ll just pay cash for my order and call the restaurant back.”
1110: VIA WIRE TAP
“What do you mean, you already ran my card? You didn’t run it for $85, did you? Well, good, but I just paid the guy in cash!”
“Well, you can just un-run it then.”
“Fine, then send him back up here with my money… AND with the pepperoni rolls he didn’t bring the first time.”
1210: *FIELD OPERATIVES REPORT SUBJECT HAS BEEN WEARING PANTS FAR LONGER THAN SHE ANTICIPATED. ALERT STATUS ORANGE.*
1236: FROM: SOCIAL MEDIA SURVEILLANCE TEAM
Fuck. Me. Running. Still waiting for the dude with mah money and the rest of mah order.
1307: FROM: SMST
Nice try not answering my home phone call, pizza bitches! I have a cell phone, too!
1310: VIA WIRE TAP
“Yes, may I speak to a manager? Oh, you are the manager. Well, I’m still waiting for my… He’s on his way? Good, thank you.”
1330: *FIELD OPERATIVES REPORT DELIVERY DUDE HAS RETURNED WITH REMAINDER OF ORDER AND FREE PEPPERONI ROLLS. SUBJECT SEEMS SOMEWHAT MOLLIFIED AND PANTS-FREE. CRISIS AVERTED, STAND DOWN.*
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… never let it be said I cannot be bought.