All Quiet on the Porch Out Front

As I mentioned yesterday, my favorite local Pizza Joint very nearly got itself burnt the fuck down by a mysterious arsonist who was less-than-satisfied with her Pizza Joint experience (and we have NO IDEA who that could have been).  We have, however, at great personal risk, obtained the following dispatches from the front lines of The Great Pizza Wars (messages intercepted via wire tap or other surveillance are in italics):

1100 hours: *FIELD OPERATIVES REPORT DELIVERY DUDE AT DOOR WITH SUBJECT.*

“This isn’t my receipt, this is the one for the $85 order y’all got just before me.  Sure, I’ll just pay cash for my order and call the restaurant back.”

1110: VIA WIRE TAP

“What do you mean, you already ran my card? You didn’t run it for $85, did you?  Well, good, but I just paid the guy in cash!”

“Well, you can just un-run it then.”

“Fine, then send him back up here with my money… AND with the pepperoni rolls he didn’t bring the first time.”

1210: *FIELD OPERATIVES REPORT SUBJECT HAS BEEN WEARING PANTS FAR LONGER THAN SHE ANTICIPATED.  ALERT STATUS ORANGE.*

1236:  FROM:  SOCIAL MEDIA SURVEILLANCE TEAM

Fuck. Me. Running.  Still waiting for the dude with mah money and the rest of mah order.

1307:  FROM:  SMST

Nice try not answering my home phone call, pizza bitches!  I have a cell phone, too!

1310:  VIA WIRE TAP

“Yes, may I speak to a manager? Oh, you are the manager.  Well, I’m still waiting for my… He’s on his way?  Good, thank you.”

1330: *FIELD OPERATIVES REPORT DELIVERY DUDE HAS RETURNED WITH REMAINDER OF ORDER AND FREE PEPPERONI ROLLS. SUBJECT SEEMS SOMEWHAT MOLLIFIED AND PANTS-FREE.  CRISIS AVERTED, STAND DOWN.*

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… never let it be said I cannot be bought.

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22 Comments

Filed under La Vida Loca, Only in Wes' BYGAWD Virginny, Reality Bites, WTF???

22 responses to “All Quiet on the Porch Out Front

  1. What a pain! Also, what are pepperoni rolls?!

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    • Dear GAWD, where do you live??? Pepperoni rolls are basically loaves of bread stuffed full of pepperoni and mozzarella cheese (and sometimes peppers). They range from gas-station variety (actually some of my favorites) to la-di-da fancy with marinara sauce and more cheese on top. They are one of Hoody’s Raisons d’etre!

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  2. Oh man . . . code orange?? Another few minutes and we would have been in the red zone re: a pants wearing catastrophe!!

    At least you got free pizza rolls and didn’t have to pay $85! I would have been white hot mad. Not mad enough to continue wearing pants for long enough to actually leave my house, get gasoline and start a suspiciously unsolved fire, but you know . . . mad.

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  3. This is why I should never interact with the public. I probably woulda got all pissed and yelled, possibly cried while the delivery guy stood there and looked embarrassed, then felt bad and over tipped.

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  4. “SUBJECT HAS BEEN WEARING PANTS FAR LONGER THAN SHE ANTICIPATED.”—Uh-oh…somebody’s gonna be in trouuuuuuble.

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  5. Geez, you sound like my gf, Pinky. You can time the interval between when she comes home and when her pants hit the floor, in nanoseconds.

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  6. Dear Sweet Mama

    Well, as your mother, I have to be pleased that you were wearing pants for a while.

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  7. This brings new meaning to the term “debriefing.”

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  8. the other day the pizza man came to our door to deliver our order, and he turns to my 7 year old and says…”WOW, this is the first time that I have seen you fully dressed.” *Mother of the year award here* I have almost opened the door without pants for the pizza man, but then caught myself just in time. Huh, maybe that is where she gets it from.

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  9. jen

    You are a muthafuckin’ ninja! And I need you to FedEx a bitch some pepperoni rolls; those sound magical.

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  10. So, pants-free is good and pants-on is bad? See, I would have assumed the other way around. The things I learn here….

    Also, $85 for pizza delivery is highway robbery, pepperoni rolls or no.

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  11. Made me think of the movie War Games. Defcon 4….80’s for Code Orange. Showing my age, I guess.
    Love the ‘Stand down’ reference! Pants are ALWAYS optional as far as I’m concerned!

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