Cleanin’ out the ol’ C.T. … just a few inexplicable situations in which I’ve found myself lately:
1. HUGE Brass Balls
Scene: Hoody Hoo is attempting to ascertain why her cable/phone/internet are all out, so she calls the company. Following the automatic prompts, this happens:
HH: *enters home phone number*
HH: *enters last 4 digits of SSN*
HH: *presses “5” to “report a problem”*
HH: *presses “1” for phone outage, because although EVERYTHING is out, there’s no option for that*
Cable Company Recording: “If you are in the ((hugely long list of pretty much every town in Wes’BYGAWD Virginny)) areas and are experiencing problems, please be aware our technicians are working to restore your service… If you would like to make a payment, please visit us at stupidcableassholes-dot-com.”
2. Sharpen Those Skills
Scene: Hoody Hoo is in the checkout line at Walmart, and the manager-looking types nearby are discussing an inventory issue.
Manager-Type # 1: “Well, it looks like they sent half a case of this and half a case of that but marked it down as a full case of that…”
Checkout Girl (muttering): “Which is what I just said, a little bit ago, but you weren’t listening then and you’re not listening now…”
Hoody Hoo: “Oh, you’re just practicing talking.”
Checkout Girl erupts in surprised cackle of laughter. Manager-Types are not amused.
3. Do You Know Who You Called?
Hoody Hoo is on the phone to Pizza Joint.
Pizza Joint Gal: “Hello, thank you for calling Pizza Joint, can you hold please?”
HH: “Sure, no problem.”
Phone is laid down on counter BUT NOT put on hold, so we still hear:
PJG (to another customer on the phone): “No sir, we don’t do paninis. <pause> No, we don’t do that either. “<pause> PJG yells to the kitchen: “Hey! Is there a calzone special?” Back to phone: “I’m sorry, we don’t have that either. <very long pause> “Okay, that’ll be $85.”
PJG comes back to Hoody’s phone:
HH: “Did you just get an order for $85 from somebody who doesn’t even know what you serve?”
PJG: “I KNOW, right? We’re on the damn internet!”
Then, as those of you who follow me on teh Twitter may have noticed, what can only be termed “The Pizza Wars” began as the not-quite-right delivery dude fucked up my order so many times I almost went to burn the building down… but it all worked out in the end! In fact, it may be time for another order…