Can’t Make It Up

Cleanin’ out the ol’ C.T. … just a few inexplicable situations in which I’ve found myself lately:

1.  HUGE Brass Balls

Scene:  Hoody Hoo is attempting to ascertain why her cable/phone/internet are all out, so she calls the company.  Following the automatic prompts, this happens:
HH:  *enters home phone number*

HH:  *enters last 4 digits of SSN*

HH:  *presses “5” to “report a problem”*

HH:  *presses “1” for phone outage, because although EVERYTHING is out, there’s no option for that*

Cable Company Recording:  “If you are in the ((hugely long list of pretty much every town in Wes’BYGAWD Virginny)) areas and are experiencing problems, please be aware our technicians are working to restore your service… If you would like to make a payment, please visit us at stupidcableassholes-dot-com.”


2.  Sharpen Those Skills

Scene:  Hoody Hoo is in the checkout line at Walmart, and the manager-looking types nearby are discussing an inventory issue.

Manager-Type # 1: “Well, it looks like they sent half a case of this and half a case of that but marked it down as a full case of that…”

Checkout Girl (muttering):  “Which is what I just said, a little bit ago, but you weren’t listening then and you’re not listening now…”

Hoody Hoo:  “Oh, you’re just practicing talking.”

Checkout Girl erupts in surprised cackle of laughter.  Manager-Types are not amused.

3.  Do You Know Who You Called?

Hoody Hoo is on the phone to Pizza Joint.

Pizza Joint Gal:  “Hello, thank you for calling Pizza Joint, can you hold please?”

HH:  “Sure, no problem.”

Phone is laid down on counter BUT NOT put on hold, so we still hear:

PJG (to another customer on the phone):  “No sir, we don’t do paninis. <pause> No, we don’t do that either. “<pause> PJG yells to the kitchen: “Hey!  Is there a calzone special?” Back to phone: “I’m sorry, we don’t have that either. <very long pause> “Okay, that’ll be $85.”

PJG comes back to Hoody’s phone:

HH:  “Did you just get an order for $85 from somebody who doesn’t even know what you serve?”

PJG: “I KNOW, right?  We’re on the damn internet!”

Then, as those of you who follow me on teh Twitter may have noticed, what can only be termed “The Pizza Wars” began as the not-quite-right delivery dude fucked up my order so many times I almost went to burn the building down… but it all worked out in the end!  In fact, it may be time for another order…




Filed under I'm Confused, La Vida Loca, Reality Bites, Weep for Humanity, WTF???

18 responses to “Can’t Make It Up

  1. Hahhaha those convos are priceless. Except for the first one – that’s happened to me and it makes me batshit crazy.


  2. One of these days, the big cable companies will realize that they can save everyone a lot of time and angst by just having an option at the beginning, “for outages in your area, press 2”. We have the technology for them to remember your home number AND your cell, you know?


  3. I used to have a phrase I’d use, in cases like with the retail clerk and manager (when I was a retail clerk). It went like this… ahem…

    “Thank you, Captain Obvious!.”

    It’s a wonder they ever gave my my keys…


  4. “So, we know all our services are fucked up and we might eventually figure it out and fix it, but . . . while you are completely shit out of luck with phone/cable/internet . . . howsabouts you just fork over some cash? See, our automated payment system still works, so there’s that! Progress.”

    Oh, the balls. The great big hugemungous balls on those fuckers. Gah.

    How does one spend $85 at a pizza place? That is crazy. And what the hell happened with your order? I can only imagine there was immense fuckery and then very free pizza because of it?


  5. I just heard that SAME cable company greeting this morning. Makes me want to stick a ballpoint pen into my ear…


  6. I got a letter yesterday from my cable company saying my promotional package is expiring. So…evidently when this company bought the last company they just forgot to tell me that the new lower rate was “promotional.” Which would be less annoying except they have an ad about how you shouldn’t get your television from outer space (like satellite). Did you know Cheyenne is where said cable company downloads their programming FROM SPACE!?! I guess maybe someone should tell their ad agency that.


  7. Oh that first conversation makes me a homicidal maniac, no joke. I’ve killed dozens of people stone cold dead because of convos like that,


  8. Stupid people are funny. And irritating as shit.


  9. Some people just need to be shot. Repeatedly.


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