In Which Hoody Is Quite Wroth

Or, as we say here in Wes’BYGAWD Virginny, I’m mad enough to eat nails and shit barb wire or something equally as odd.  I MEANT to use today’s blog to pass along an award from the beautiful and talented Misty, but that will have to wait until tomorrow because I. HAVE. A. RANT.

Those of you who follow me on teh Twitter may have already seen last night’s update:  “Hey, lip-service Christians: Read your fucking bracelets.”  What would Jesus do?  I don’t claim to know His plans for the day, but I do know this: HE WOULD NOT MAKE DEAR SWEET MAMA CRY.

You fuckers are DEAD.

Now, I don’t yet know the whole story because DSM and The Concubine are currently in some god-foresaken (and yes, I do mean that) part of Wisconsin where their cell service is shitty, but I know this:  Last night as I lay sleeping, the phone rings and I look at the clock.  It is about 9:30pm, and I’m stumped:  Everyone I know knows I try to be asleep by 9 at the latest (3am gets here EARLY!), so they wouldn’t be calling… and it’s too damn late for it to be a telemarketer or that goddamn Bill Clinton, so who is it?  So I answer.

It is Dear Sweet Mama. And she is CRYING.

Now, I had called her earlier and gotten no answer, so I just figured, shitty cell service, no biggie.  And her voice mail didn’t pick up, so I couldn’t leave a message.  So she calls me back to make sure I wasn’t calling about an emergency, and then she just breaks the fuck down.

They’re allegedly supposed to be at some kind of CHURCH conference with supposed-CHRISTIAN folk singing Kumbaya and shit.  AND THEY HAVE BEEN SO MEAN TO DEAR SWEET MAMA THAT SHE IS CRYING.

WTF, Christians?  Didn’t your god die for your sins?  Aren’t you supposed to love thy neighbor?  DON’T YOU THINK BEING A MEAN-SPIRITED LITTLE SHIT IS GONNA PISS JESUS OFF???

Sweartagawd, if I can get my hands on these people, God won’t have to worry about the whole “vengeance is mine” thing.  I got this one, Lord.


Filed under Adventures with Dear Sweet Mama, Jesus and Pals, Weep for Humanity, WTF???

33 responses to “In Which Hoody Is Quite Wroth

  1. Awww! Poor mama. Not cool, yo.


  2. “What would Jesus drink”? Isn’t that what those bracelets mean?

    I’m there if you need backup for your ass whoopin’. Your DSM shouldn’t be made to cry. I can’t say I blame you for needing a rant today.


  3. In my experience, some of the biggest shitheels I’ve ever met were the ones that wore their church-going ways on their sleeves. Pretty sure they’re only in it for the holier-than-thou judgment passing. It’s so much more fun to bask in the self-assigned glory than actually live up to message of humility, acceptance and doing good unto others.

    No one fucks w/ a DSM. I got your back…


    • Preachin’ to the choir, my dear, preachin’ to the choir! Don’t they remember their religion started out with a bunch of unemployed hippie dudes who hung out with lepers and whores?


  4. Oh HELLZ NO! Nobody makes our mama CRY! Lemme attem, Hoody. LET ME AT ‘EM. I’m getting out my steel toed ass kicking boots right now. Let’s do this.

    I find that no matter your religious affiliation or lack there of . . . there are always assholes. And like bluzdude said above, sometimes it’s the most holier than thou that are the most derisive and condescending of dickheads. Sounds like someone(s) needs a good smack upside their fool heads with a big ole Kings James Edition!


  5. Amen, Bluzdude…uh, I mean, well said!
    Karma cruises around for Christians, too. Give it time.


  6. I hope you get them but good. It’s been my experience that Christians are among the meanest people are around and don’t really give a shit what Jesus would do.


  7. Testify, sistah! Testify!


  8. I hope DSM is feeling better by now. Those people aren’t worth crying over.


  9. That’s when its okay to hit them. If they make momma cry, they are going to get jacked up! I swear I read that God said it was ok.

    Hope your momma feels better!!


  10. I cried at Christian camp, too. I had gone with a friend, but halfway through the week, she decided that an older girl was cooler and started hanging out with her instead. And I criiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiied at the group singing that night. And my cousin, who was the older girl’s friend and was also feeling sad about the older girl hanging out with my friend instead of her saw me and said, “It hurts, doesn’t it?” Saaaaaad times with Jesus.

    (Bluz sent me here!)


  11. jen

    Oh don’t get me started on the self-righteous asshats that seem to have taken over the churches. Guess what, folks? Just because you show up in church one day out of the week does not give you the right to be an asshole the other six! Hugs to DSM from this Good Christian Bitch.


  12. Grrr. Poor DSM. If you need a hand with the ass-whooping, you let me know. I’m always glad to lend a foot. It’s what Jesus would do. Maybe.


  13. Aargh…I was raised by those God-fearin’, Bible-lovin’ Christians and they drove me to agnosticism. I would have been ok with the whole Hippie Jesus, “God is Love” stuff they peddled in the 70s, but the conservatives shoved people like me straight out of the church. I read my Bible too, and I figured if “by their fruits you shall know them,” then their fruits meant I should avoid the ever-loving fuck out of those people.

    Give DSM a massive hug and a G & T. Nobody deserves to be bullied.


  14. cinemasugar

    Please tell lovely DSM not to waste a single tear on these poor excuses for humanity. People at a church / Christian convention who would make another person feel like that are no better than the WBC.


  15. Pingback: Apparently I’m “It” | hoodyhoo

  16. Virago

    Poor DSM! That sucks!!! I know someone who says that people like DSM’s tormenters aren’t actually the “Christians” they claim to be, but instead “Churchians”.
    (Unless the jerks at the conference were from Westboro Baptist Church, in which case, they aren’t even that…)
    I hope you and The Concubine can make DSM feel better. Count me in on the asskicking. Jesus may have said to turn the other cheek, but it’s not like those jackasses were following any of the rest of his supposed teachings…


  17. Dear Sweet Mama

    And now, for the rest of the story. This conference was for ministers and their families who had been “forcibly terminated” or otherwise treated like owl shit by their churches. Though that is not a good phrase, cause I personally find owl shit fascinating. Anywho – I was crying because my heart is made of mush, and hearing how badly some of the people had been treated just broke what part was solid. 1600 – that number, again, is sixteen hundred, ministers are forcibly terminated or otherwise so badly treated that they must resign – EVERY MONTH!!!! Talk about help me, Jesus. Having been with the Concubine for as long as Jesus was a pup, I have met some lovely people in churches. I am also sure that is where evil hangs out. Anywho, if you go to church or know someone who does, go hug or tell them to hug their pastor and tell them you have their back. You know, we are all just struggling along in this old life, and when the final exam comes and you get to sit with JC and his Dad and Mom and watch the movie of your life, you certainly want to be able to have the popcorn and not continually be asked “what was your motivation for this scene?” Help one another along the way. That way we all get out alive. And I am better now. Nothing like a G&T and dinner with friends to gain perspective. And kisses from your little dog who missed you.


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