As Seen… in the Garbage

I’m back from FCC Hell, and I’ve had something percolating in my wee pointy head ever since the infamous Eggies Incident.  And that is this:

WHY DOES EVERYTHING YOU BUY OFF TV HAVE TO SUCK SO HARD???

Seriously, in my lifetime, I have been the proud owner of many an “as-seen-on-TV” item, and with very few exceptions, they have all been the instruments of Satan.  It all started back when I was but a wee slip of a lass (shut up!) and Dear Sweet Mama purchased something called… The Doggie Dooley.

The premise was this — you buried this thing in your yard, and put the doggie… um, doolies… in it, then sprinkled some mysterious powder (looking back, it was probably Quiklime) over it and ta-freakin’-da — the offending canine waste would disappear, having been absorbed back into the ecosystem.

Bullshit.  Well, dogshit.

What this thing was, was basically a bucket with a lid and no bottom.  And you put the doolies in it, sprinkled on the magic powder, and ta-freakin’-da!  You still had a bucket of dog poop in the yard.  So we went back to the tried-and-true redneck method of dogshit removal (i.e., huck it over the riverbank when no one’s watching) and left the Doggie Dooley to its own devices.  Eventually the riverbank shifted and buried the useless thing, so that was that.

Except…

Dear Future Historians:  If you find what appears to be a bucket buried at the site of the Childhood Home of Hoody Hoo… don’t open it.

THAT IS NOT A TIME CAPSULE.

Stay tuned — I have more and crappier products still to come!

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32 Comments

Filed under Adventures with Dear Sweet Mama, I'm Confused, La Vida Loca, WTF???

32 responses to “As Seen… in the Garbage

  1. LeeAnn

    More like a Time Crapsule.

    Like

  2. Dear Sweet Mama

    All I have to say in my defense is – 100 little dolls.

    Like

  3. That is hysterical. I don’t think I have ever owned a seen-on-TV product! How odd. I for sure do not want a bottomless shit bucket!

    Like

  4. I have seen the h20 x5000 steamer on shopping tv, and i wannnnnnt its but at £100 i am betting it’s not as good as it looks….but i still want it

    Like

    • I made a rule with myself after the Red Devil Grill Incident (that story still to come) that I was not allowed to buy things that were more than $39.99 off the TV. It… usually… works…

      Like

  5. Wouldn’t it be easier to teach the dog to crap in the buried bucket to begin with?

    Like

  6. Anything for hair removal–dogshit. You will remain a hairy ape or you will tear/burn/wax your skin off. Oh, and those things for filing your dog’s nails? A Dremel works better and has more cool shit to go with it.

    But those bra strap things are amazing.

    Like

  7. I have asked for Trendy Tops for my birthday because that there is a freaking genius idea. I have so many tops that I don’t wear because jeans ride too low now. I’ll update you on whether they are crap.

    I got Eggies for Christmas but have yet to use them. My mom says hers work fine.

    That’s all I can think of for my As Seen on TV! experiences. I think my sister has one of those brownie things where the pan zigzags so every piece has an outside edge. That seems dumb to me – I’m an inside brownie eater, and so is The Boy.

    Like

    • I had not seen Trendy Tops — those look like genius! And I guess if you did a lot of bake sales or something that brownie thing would be good — my brownie-cutting skills pretty much make it look like I just dug my hand in there!

      Like

  8. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything on TV that was a “must buy.” I always thought the ads stank of desperation and poor quality plastic.

    We had several dogs when I was growing up, and I could have told you right off the bat that the Doggie Dooley wouldn’t work. Hell, I scooped poop in the dog runs all the time and NOTHING got rid of that smell….

    Like

  9. Pingback: We Interrupt This Important Message | hoodyhoo

  10. Whenever I get the urge for “seen on teeee weeeee”, I can go down to the local Walgreens and they have and ENTIRE SECTION of that crap! Seeing the packaging usually works as the antidote. This lesson was learned after I bought a pillow pet on-line (as seen on teeee weeee) for $19.99 + shipping and handling, only to have it arrive SIX WEEKS later! Walgreens had a pile of them for $19.99 and NO shipping and handling.

    Like

    • That’s EXACTLY my problem — I can usually avoid actually buying the crap off the actual TV (mostly ’cause Chuckweasel slaps the credit card outta my hand!) but then I see them at the drug store or the Walmart or somewhere AND I CRACK. I’m only human!

      Like

  11. Pingback: As Seen… In the Garbage (Pt. 2) | hoodyhoo

  12. Ha! We had one of those “Time Crapsules” too! I think my Dad spent more time digging the hole and explaining how ingenious it was, than we did using it.
    Thanks for the memories!

    Like

  13. Pingback: Even a Stopped Clock… | hoodyhoo

  14. Pingback: Dear Sweet Mama Never Learns | hoodyhoo

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