I’m back from FCC Hell, and I’ve had something percolating in my wee pointy head ever since the infamous Eggies Incident. And that is this:
WHY DOES EVERYTHING YOU BUY OFF TV HAVE TO SUCK SO HARD???
Seriously, in my lifetime, I have been the proud owner of many an “as-seen-on-TV” item, and with very few exceptions, they have all been the instruments of Satan. It all started back when I was but a wee slip of a lass (shut up!) and Dear Sweet Mama purchased something called… The Doggie Dooley.
The premise was this — you buried this thing in your yard, and put the doggie… um, doolies… in it, then sprinkled some mysterious powder (looking back, it was probably Quiklime) over it and ta-freakin’-da — the offending canine waste would disappear, having been absorbed back into the ecosystem.
Bullshit. Well, dogshit.
What this thing was, was basically a bucket with a lid and no bottom. And you put the doolies in it, sprinkled on the magic powder, and ta-freakin’-da! You still had a bucket of dog poop in the yard. So we went back to the tried-and-true redneck method of dogshit removal (i.e., huck it over the riverbank when no one’s watching) and left the Doggie Dooley to its own devices. Eventually the riverbank shifted and buried the useless thing, so that was that.
Dear Future Historians: If you find what appears to be a bucket buried at the site of the Childhood Home of Hoody Hoo… don’t open it.
THAT IS NOT A TIME CAPSULE.
Stay tuned — I have more and crappier products still to come!