Do I LOOK Like a Terrorist?

So, Dear Sweet Mama and Chuckweasel both have a somewhat “creative” approach to bills… in that they pay the bills when the bills are due, whether they have money in their account or not.  I prefer to wait to pay the bills until I actually HAVE money, even though that means some bills will be paid “never.”

But I digress.  The Weasel had gotten himself in a pickle by paying his electric bill with the money that needed to stay in his account to cover his rent check… so being the Most Amazing Woman in the World, I offered to put my check into his account just in case it hit before he gets paid on Friday.  At that point he would give me back MY money, so Bob’s your uncle.

So I thought.

Then this happened.  Things said only in my head are in italics.

Bank Teller:  Are you on this account?

Hoody Hoo:  No, it’s his account (and I had HIS drivers’ license and account number, as well as my own drivers’ license and a legitimate PAYROLL check made out to me).

BT:  You can’t put your check in his account.

HH:  Uh, okay, just send it back then (what the hell?).

BT:  You could take it to the bank it came from and cash it and put the cash in his account…

HH:  Oooookaaaay… (so… confused…)

BT:  Or I could cash it and put the cash in his account, but there’s a fee.

HH:  (do what now?) Yeah, just do that then.

There followed an interminable (we’re talking upwards of 10 minutes in the motherfucking DRIVE THRU) wait while the teller conducted some arcane banking ceremony to mysteriously transform my evil check into acceptable money.  Then when I got home, I texted the Weasel to let him know how it all went down… and to tell him I must look like a terrorist or a drug dealer ’cause his bank thinks I’m trying to launder money.

Once he gets off work, he calls me back with a very salient point:  If that whole rigamarole about not letting me put a CHECK in his account is really supposed to stop nefarious banking by unsavory folk, why would they then accept CASH?  It’s still not my account, and I’m fairly sure terrorists and/or drug dealers don’t generally have printed payroll checks… I’m given to understand it’s a fairly cash-based economy.  So I can basically show up with a bucket of cash money to put in someone else’s account… untraceable, likely cocaine-infused cash… but NOT an easily-traced business CHECK?  I’m fairly sure that defeats the purpose of all this trying-to-prevent-crime-stuff.

So, I want to let all banks everywhere know:  If I ever have an account with you, and someone else wants to put their money in it, THAT’S FINE.  I don’t care where it came from, just take it.  This also goes for bills — a similar thing happened to me with the electric company once before, and I’m telling you, Hitler can pay my phone bill if he wants — I TRULY DO NOT CARE WHERE THE MONEY COMES FROM.  I just wantses it.

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30 Comments

Filed under Chuckweasel, I'm Confused, La Vida Loca, Reality Bites, Things I Don't Know, WTF???

30 responses to “Do I LOOK Like a Terrorist?

  1. Hahahha I agree. It’s totally okay for other people to deposit money into my account. No arguments here.

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    • Is there anyone in the entire world who would actually get pissed off if their bank let random people put money in their account? “No, dammit, I don’t want THAT money, that’s STRIPPER money!”

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  2. cinemasugar

    This can be explained via my all time favorite heart-warming holiday movie, “Die Hard.” What was it the bad guys wanted? Bearer bonds. Cash is transferable by the “bearer” (i.e. one who has it in his or her grubby little hands.) Checks are “special paper” only transferable to and from the endorser. Next time, all’s you have to do if you want to put your check in his account (self-editing my lecture on the wisdom of this) is the following: 1. endorse the check yourself. 2. Underneath your endorsement, print, “PAY TO THE ORDER OF” and 3. print his name. 4. Then have HIM endorse it under your special endorsement. It now officially belongs to him and can be deposited in his account. Just for fun, you could do this special endorsement as many times to as many people as you wanted. You could endorse it back and forth to each other. Just keep writing PAY TO THE ORDER OF underneath everybody’s signatures and keep adding additional people. The last one wins.

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  3. Yes, yes you do.

    I find it fascinating that they wouldn’t put it in an account but would accept it enough to cash it, thus accepting your check for their bank as valid. But not accepting it for Chuck’s account. Weirdness.

    And I agree . . . I’ll take drug money, stripper money, panhandling money, blogging money . . . any illegal money that anyone wants to give me. Hey, my hands are clean, and money’s already dirty anyway, so what’s the difference. Bring it on!!

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    • That’s the part that got me… I actually understood the rule right up until she said she could cash it and deposit the cash! Then I’m like… isn’t that missing the point?

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  4. springfieldfem

    Bwahahaha! Hilarious. Oh, banks – you silly ducks.

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  5. I concur. Show me the money. As a matter of fact, I think I’ll set up a special Paypal account just so you fine people can easily put money into my account without the appearance of any maleficence.

    You’re welcome.

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  6. “Does this paycheck make me look like a terrorist?” is the new “Do these jeans make me look fat?”.

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  7. They just wanted to charge you the check cashing fee. Banks are greedy bastards.

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    • I agree. It was all about getting the extra money for the convenience of putting your check in his account. Make sure you let him know that when he’s repaying you, he owes you that too. Maybe charge him an extra service fee for having to deal with his bank. And another fee for being labeled a terrorist. Just saying, there’s money to be made here.

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      • I’m not sure there’s enough money in the world to make up for my personal emotional distress at being so wrongfully accused! (how’s that, maybe if I cry a little while I say it?)

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  8. Well, you are OBVIOUSLY up to something nefarious.

    Nefarious: The most awesome word that I hardly ever get to use.

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  9. Man I hate that. I’ve had them not take my check at my back and not take my payment at the water company because I didn’t have ID. Oh, and they wouldn’t let me pay my mortgage once. Seriously? Dude? TAKE ANYONE’S MONEY to pay my bills.

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  10. Never underestimate the ability of bureaucrats to make a simple job into one of the nether regions of hell. It’s all they have left to live for. Sad, really.

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  11. Bex

    You have a drive through what now? Bank you say? Piss off. I’m watching Carlitos Way. Al Pacino just fuck kicked the door in in one kick! His lady love was getting naked to Joe Cocker’s You Are So Beautiful, while Al had his face mashed up to the door watching. This shit is sick.

    And you really need to bring your drive through banks to NZ. That was an invite by the way.

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    • America has drive thru everything, even things that shouldn’t be drive thru (like liquor stores, I only wish I was kidding!). And Carlito’s Way kicks ass… uh, door!

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  12. Jo

    I wantses it, too, regardless of who wants to give it to me. No fee, either, you can give it to me for free.

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  13. That’s actually what Hitler has to do there in Hell… Pay other people’s phone bills. See, what they do is, Beelzebub fills ole Adolph’s teeth with gold, and then they rip those fillings out, melt ’em down, and use ’em to pay those bills.

    Or, if Old Nick’s running a bit behind, they make Hitler wait in line at the bank drive thru. Same difference.

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