Stop DOING That!

As y’all know, I work for a country radio station (your condolences are appreciated), so I end up listening to that crap style of music a lot.  And I’ve noticed yet another thing about it that pisses me off:  The M. Night Shyamalan School of Songwriting.

Along me to explain:  I hate hate hate M. Night Shyamalan, he is a ruinous human being and should not be allowed access to film.  The only time his “twist” actually surprised anyone was when they screened “The Village” at the Regional School for the Blind, Deaf, and Completely Fucking Retarded.  YOU ARE NOT SURPRISING ANYONE, YOU HORRENDOUS TWAT!

Ahem.  So, as you can see, I am not a fan of the poorly-disguised and completely-foreshadowed “twist.”  Surprise me, motherfuckers!  It ain’t that hard, just throw in a “the call is coming from inside the house” or something.  This rule applies to movies, books, and yes, songs, too.

VIRTUALLY ALL OF COUNTRY MUSIC

IS ONE BIG VAT OF

SHYAMALAN-A-DING-DONG DICKERY!

For example, if a girl is singing about how much she misses her ex, he didn’t leave her, he’s dead.  If ANYONE is singing about their mama, she is also dead.  Everyone anyone cares about can be virtually guaranteed to be revealed as either dead or a cheating bastard by the end of the song.  No surprises.

(I do enjoy the part of “Three Wooden Crosses” where you find out the preacher’s mama’s a whore, but that’s just me)

Seriously, country singers:  If you’re going to keep doing this, be honest.  Be upfront about it.  Don’t make people sit through a whole song hoping against hope that some kid’s dear ol’ daddy DIDN’T really get blowed up in the mine, just get that out in the open early.  We already know, and you know we know, and so forth.

I suggest you look for inspiration to Mr. Gordon Lightfoot.  No one goes into “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” expecting a happy ending.

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25 Comments

Filed under At the Movies, I Rule You, Just Call Me Beavis, Weep for Humanity

25 responses to “Stop DOING That!

  1. Hahah I never thought of that! Kind of a cheap plot (song plot?) twist, if you ask me. I guess I won’t take up country music now like I had planned… (HA!).

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  2. The funny part is that as I was reading I was thinking about 3 Wooden Crosses before I got to that part. I think that one carries the twist well. Others are just fill in the blanks….

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  3. The Band Perry has just made it’s debut here. We were suffering through them on morning tv earlier this week, when D said “hey, haven’t we already heard and mocked this?” I replied “Yes, hoody has educated us in their suckiness already”
    At which point we both kept going “sharp knife of a short life, wtf girl, what does that MEAN”
    And the whole family relationship looked near incestuous, you could just see their manager stood off camera feeding them this touchy feely crap.

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  4. Is that 3 wooden crosses one hitting a little close to home, Hoody? For shame. Don’t be saying those types of things about our mama! (Hear that DSM? Can I be the favorite now?).

    I’m assuming you are talking about the newish Miranda Lambert? Or really you could be talking about any of a thousand country songs, but that is the most recent twist-fuckery. I like her. I like the song. But yeah, from a mile away lady.

    The one that really filled me with a deep dark unabiding rage was that one where the wife and husband are on the phone and he’s saying goodbye and she’s saying don’t leave me blah blah and of course he is plummeting to his death on an airplane. That is just some fuckery there. And it was not too long after 9/11. I found it incredibly distasteful. Don’t do that shit. Damn.

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  5. cinemasugar

    Um. I was surprised in “The Village.” I have my other reasons for not liking M. Night Shuhwhatsisface.

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    • Really? You didn’t pick up that SOMETHING fucked up was going on with the box of pictures and shit? Did you realize Bruce Willis was dead in that other one?

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      • Dear Sweet Mama

        OK – I was surprised at the Village – I did know something was going on, but not that. And, Bruce Willis did surprise me – in fact, we watched it with your Aunt N and she had already seen it and was about to pop to tell. The minute it was over we watched it again and commented every time it happened like they hadn’t just shown us that in the movie. Yep, we are that kind of fun.

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  6. You have my condolences on having to listen to that for hours each day. The only time I was forced to listen to country music for any length of time was when I worked a a group home for low functioning adults. They loved that music. Draw your own conclusions there…

    But this entry made me laugh. Just had to say that.

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  7. My Pandora did me wrong the othe day and slipped in a country song called, “Walmart parking lot.” I was expecting to hear about exposed thongs, people wearing pajamas in public, or a tale about someone getting stabbed over a handicap parking space, but sadly it was a song with a positive spin. I was so confused…what Walmart was he singing about?!

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    • Huh, I actually had to look that one up, must have come out before I signed on here! Pretty glad we aren’t playing it!
      I actually do like the songs that make fun of the redneck stereotypes, but you don’t get a lot of those — “Red Solo Cup” is pretty much it right now!

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  8. I don’t like country music, but the lack of the surprise twist doesn’t bother me. I don’t like surprise twists — hence my deep and abiding love for series, which tend to do you the favor of not killing off main characters.

    No, what I hate in country music is the schmaltz — yes, your Daddy is dead, so sad but WHY THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT ME TO CARE?!? Also, people who play country music don’t understand how much the rest of us hate it. Which inspires hate in me. Because I really hate being told not to hate stuff. Aargh.

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  9. I try my best to avoid country music. I had no idea it was such a twist-laden genre.

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  10. cinemasugar

    I feel the same way as lazysubcultural girl. I can analogize my distaste for much of country music to why I don’t get scared in horror films in which the monster has specific targets in mind. Like, Freddy Krueger has no issue with me as he did the people of Elm Street. Same thing goes for Jason and Michael Myers. But take something like The Strangers where it was just a random act of horribleness that could happen to anyone – that was terrifying. When a country music song tells some personal lament that’s only specific to the storyteller, I can’t be moved by it like I can one that has universal applicability.

    Plus, by and large, country music just sounds wretched, even if you’re not listening to the words.

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