The Best-Laid Plans

Sheesh, so the Saint Patrick’s Day Lamb attempt did NOT go well, I mean not AT ALL.  And it’s all WalMart’s fault.

First, they always hide the lamb for some reason, even though far more upsetting meats such as tripe and beef tongue are on full and prominent display.  So on my THIRD hunt through the meat department, I finally find the lamb and go on my merry way.

Cut to Saturday… when I merrily make up the Jameson’s-and-Honey marinade and prepare to begin the deliciousness.  That’s when I opened up the lamb package… only to find…

IT

WAS

A

BREAST.

Yes, a breast, not the expected and much-anticipated leg.  Who the hell even knows what to do with a lamb breast?  Even the interwebz were no help, everything just kept talking about what a “less-desirable” cut of meat it is and how you had to cook it really slow at low temperatures to make it even worth eating.  So I tried that.

A short time later, a smell began to pervade the house that can only be described as… boiled taint.  No, boiled HOBO taint.  It was seriously so awful the cats wouldn’t go in the kitchen and I had to open the sliding door AND turn the air conditioner on to try to tamp it down some.  Yesterday, Chuckweasel and I drove past a place where someone had hit a skunk on the road and I sweartaGAWD, it smelled better than that horrible devil meat.

So, in short, I did not get my Saint Patrick’s Day Lamb and I am pissed off about it.  I may try again for Easter, but Imma prolly just say fuck it and get another Paula Deen ham.  Paula never lets me down.

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14 Comments

Filed under La Vida Loca, My Secret Shame(s), Reality Bites, Things I Don't Know, WTF???

14 responses to “The Best-Laid Plans

  1. Hahahhaa boiled hobo taint. Ick!

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  2. Lamb breast?? Who the hell has ever heard of Lamb Breast?? Why would they even sell that shit? Oh wait, it was with the tongues and stuff, right? Yeah, they were trying to pawn that shit off on thepeopleofwalmart. Obviously.

    Hey, Hoody. There are these places. Called Grocery Stores. Say it with me: GROW-SIR-EE. Try that next time.

    Walmart. Sheesh!

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  3. I didn’t know lambs had breasts. I’ll bet it smelled baaaaaaaaaaaad.

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  4. Lamb? LAMB??? That was St. Patrick intervening to save your soul from perdition for eating a baby. For shame, Hoody, for shame. Stay away from the ham, too. Pigs are smart. You shouldn’t be eating animals that are smarter than your cats.

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  5. Lamb breast and boiled taint….YUM. Well, yes, well, the imagined smell is getting to me now. And Walmart meat….shame shame shame…

    Just think if you served it up with green jelly….you could make food art.

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  6. Without revealing too many of my restaurant’s secrets, we do a breast of lamb dish very similar to this recipe :
    http://www.simplybeefandlamb.co.uk/recipes/roast-breast-lamb-leek-and-chestnut-stuffing
    on our a la carte menu. I think if you roast the chestnuts first they will hold their flavour against the whisky and honey marinade. Bit of a random comment, but there you go 😉

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    • See, this is the problem — I think what y’all get in the UK is different from the US version. Yours is “rolled,” whereas mine was basically just two flat pieces of ribs or something. No rolling or stuffing possible!

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      • Doh – forgot about the differing butchery cuts!! Bummer. In that case I have nothing to offer. Nothing. I feel worthless. Much like a set of lamb ribs. I’m off to baste my head in shame and simmer for three to four hours at useless degrees C.

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        • Exactly what I thought — the whole point of lambs is that they’re little, right, so there’s virtually no meat on the rib/breast area. YOU FUCKED ME, WALMART!

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