Girl Can’t Help It

Yes, it’s confession time once again, Hooligans…

My name is Hoody Hoo… and I am a bird asshole.

Not a bird’s ACTUAL asshole, I mean I’m an asshole to birds — okay, no, that sounds like it’s on purpose.  I mean, it has come to my attention that birds may THINK I’m an asshole.

Here’s the thing:  In my continuing efforts to be all cheerful and shit, I’ve been whistling back at the birds when they sing at me in the trees in the morning.  And here I thought I was just being terribly insipid and way too “Snow White,” but it turns out, it’s worst than that.

I was telling Chuckweasel the other day about my avian conversation skills, and it suddenly hit me:  when the bird whistles, I whistle back… exactly the same.  So it’s not so much a CONVERSATION, it’s just me saying whatever the bird said back to him.

Yes, Hooligans — I am a bird’s version of Pete and Repeat.



Filed under Chuckweasel, I'm Confused, Just Call Me Beavis, La Vida Loca, My Secret Shame(s)

30 responses to “Girl Can’t Help It

  1. No, they probably think its cute! The way we watch youtube videos of dogs who are trained to go Ri-Ruff-Rooo (I love you in Dogese)


  2. I am pretty sure that birds use singing to mark their territory. Cats spray, dogs mark, monkeys fling poo, and birds use singing.

    I think what’s actually happening here is that you are staking your claim.


  3. haha this made me giggle. kudos to you for working toward cheerfulness, and shit. and hook me up with any other tips you may have.


  4. Hopefully you’re both saying ‘fuck you’ in Birdish. That would be so cool.


  5. The birds are up there going, “Look what I taught that big pink skinny-winged bird to do…”


  6. Bird: Good Morning world!!
    Hoody: Good Morning world!!
    Bird: What are you doing?
    Hoody: What are you doing?
    Bird: Stop that!
    Hoody: Stop that!
    Bird: I mean it, stop it!
    Hoody: I mean it, stop it!
    Bird: I’M SERIOUS.
    Hoody: I’M SERIOUS.
    Bird: I am a stupid human asshole.
    Hoody: I am a stupid human asshole.
    Bird: 😀


  7. You need to stop that right now. I don’t care how cheerful you are, birds are fucking evil bastards who don’t merit any acknowledgment except to be stalked by cats and shot down from the sky.


  8. They probably say something super nice like “Good morning, Princess Hoody, have a fantastic day!” and you reply with “The bathroom is sofa and armadillo.”


  9. jen

    I whistle back at them to. Generally, said bird then turns its head and looks at me like it’s thinking “Bitch, please. You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”


  10. Since so many bird calls are mating signals and you are returning the same whistle, they probably think you are gay.


  11. I can’t really improve on the comments so far. Basically, either you’re an asshole to the birds, you’re brightening their day, or you’re turning them on. I don’t see a downside here, unless they start following you around like Tippi Hedren. Then shit is ON.


  12. You know the career opportunities this opens up for you & your bitch pancreas? Well only one really & it probably doesn’t exist…The Bird Whisperer.

    Every Sunday morning I experience what can only be descried as a mass seagull Fight Club outside my bedroom window. This begins at exactly 5am. I don’t know what their beef is. One can only assume that fighting over the strewn rubbish from the bins of our neighbouring restaurant is better than going to bird church or having a nice Sunday morning lie in. I fucking hate them.

    If I disappear from the online universe for a while it’s because I was arrested after the armed offenders squad were called out to deter me from popping death caps in the asses of all those greedy whore birds. The day is a comin’.


    • I had my illusions shattered the other day when I saw what I thought was a bird fight and Chuckweasel informed me that’s how they get it on. In the Kroger parking lot, no less! Shameless, I tell ya.


  13. I used to spend a lot of time talking back to squirrels. They’d get really excited. I think because a human was speaking sqirrel. Sure, as Kelly said, I was probably saying “donkey bananas in the sunset,” but it was a giant step for human-squirrel communication!


  14. Don’t fraternize with the birds. They’re evil. Their beady little eyes freak me out…and don’t even get me started on their beaks.


  15. Dear Sweet Mama

    As I told you – that was mating call behavoir and now (1) the birds think you are the gay and (2) you have crushed their little bird hopes of having tall bird children and (3) I don’t know, I just wanted to have three thoughts.


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