Don’t Know Whatcha Got…

‘Til it’s gone, ya know.  And since my poor car is currently on the list of things that are gone (damn transmission!), I thought I’d offer y’all a little gem I made up for The Book of Face ages ago (reworked slightly, of course!).  I present:

THINGS I WILL MISS WHEN THE WORLD GOES TO HELL

INNA BUCKET

  1. Central Heat may in fact be the thing I miss absolutely the most.  I freakin’ HATE to be cold and a fire just don’t cut it.
  2. Liquor/wine/beer I don’t have to make for myself.  Check out my high school chemistry grades if you think me trying my hand at moonshinin’ won’t end in blood.
  3. This one got tooken from me already (thanks, pancreas!): The freedom to eat whatever I want, whenever I want.  Still, I figure I’ll look back at chicken and rice FONDLY when all there is to eat is looter-meat.
  4. Being able to go places . Walking sucks and horses can be assholes, so it’s really not worth it.
  5. Water I don’t have to boil or filter… wait, I live in Wes’BYGAWD Virginny, I don’t have that NOW.  How about, water I don’t have to CARRY?
  6. Hate to say it, but I will miss the hell outta TV.  Oh, idiot box, we hardly knew ye.
  7. Books, especially new books.  Stephen King ain’t gonna be cranking out the next bestseller when the crops need a-sowin’.
  8. The ease of communication.  Even with Kevin Costner delivering the mail, he still can’t beat the phone and the interwebz.
  9. STORES!  Much as I hate to shop, if I need a new outfit, I go out and buy it.  If Laura Ingalls wanted a new outfit, she freakin’ MADE IT.  Suffice it to say, when the End Times come I’ll be wearing a potato sack.
  10. Meat I don’t have to catch, raise or kill.
  11. Antibiotics — sometimes you really gotta hand it to the White Man’s Medicine.
  12. Strangely enough, the government.  It was nice having someone to blame.
  13. The ability to be SURPRISED by the weather (“well, hot damn, it’s snowin’!”).  An agrarian society won’t have that luxury.
  14. Speaking of luxuries, how about safety, security and just general fuckin’ around time… say bye-bye to all that!
  15. Toilet paper, and while I’m at it, Kotex… and while I’m at THAT, Monistat.
  16. PAPER… FUCKING… TOWELS.  You think it’s funny, but you know how pissed off you get when you’re out?  Now imagine that’s FOREVER.
  17. Music I don’t have to make myself.  All I play is clarinet, and that badly.
  18. Vitamin tablets.  Gonna get the scurvy.

And because I couldn’t leave y’all without some serious deep thoughts to ponder all weekend..

19.  The way it feels to live your life NOT having ever had to kill someone.

20.  The ineffable luxury of being able to feel pity.

So that’s it — time to get one of those Australian dogs and attach knives to our hubcaps.  THUNDERDOME!!!!!!!!!!!

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30 Comments

Filed under At the Movies, GENIUS!, Getchore LEARN on!, I Rule You, La Vida Loca, Only in Wes' BYGAWD Virginny, Weep for Humanity, White Man's Medicine

30 responses to “Don’t Know Whatcha Got…

  1. Hey Hoody….We don’t need another hero, damnit!!

    I would miss the opportunity to allow my kids to have greater opportunities than I did. None of that when they are forced to go all Hunger Games on everybody’s asses.

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  2. Why isn’t chocolate on this list? I bet I’ll devour all of the chocolate in a month. Wait…is your pancreas stopping you from eating chocolate?

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  3. Ok, once more i will plant my shallow flag…for slippers and glossy, trashy magazines…..when costner drops off the last harpers, its officially the end times.

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    • trash magazines I can’t help with, but as a gen-yoo-wine redneck, Ah kin make y’all slippers outta some possums. They ain’t even gotta be dead, just complacent!

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  4. I love to sew so much, I’m actually considering purchasing a treadle machine. Because I expect the apocalypse to be like Tank Girl where the Department of Water and Power has all the water and all the power. If we don’t have electricity to run my machine, Imma gonna lose my shit.

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  5. For me, it would be following sports that I am not able to attend personally. And I’m assuming that Post-Hell-in-a-Handbasket world would have some awesome sports, probably like the old Inca, who killed the losers. Or was that the Mayans? Wait, they were probably busy making shitty calendars…

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  6. I would miss snuggle time with the kittehs. No time for snuggling when your livelihood is no longer hanging out on the interwebs. If I have to knit our clothes and stuff, well, their going to have to learn how to hunt. And we’ll all starve.

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  7. 1) I have a cat who brings me dead mice. I ALREADY HAVE A FOOD PROVIDER. Kentucky Fried Mousy Bits ain’t half bad.
    2) You can come over for beer. I make good stuff.
    3) Without my job, even on a subsistence lifestyle, I will have more fuck around time than I do now.
    4) I’m sorry, but never having to go into a cubicle again except to loot for parts TOTALLY wins out over shopping.

    But I can kinda see your point. If I don’t feel like going to work one day, I would NOT EAT, which sucks.

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  8. Ha! I grew up in very rural Wisconsin, and my friends were rabid opossums and we played “break rocks” and “shoot shit.” Our family vacations consisted of sleeping on rocks and I have raised/caught/killed my own dinner.

    Bring on the apocolypse, bitches!

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  9. I have just resigned myself to the fact that I will be dead.

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  10. Literally just today, I thought: “If everything falls apart, we won’t know if an asteroid is coming. We’ll be as clueless as the dinosaurs.”

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  11. Ah! Hahahaha! These are all very true. I recently wrote out my Zombie survival kit, and it was much the same. But this sounds more like Hunger Games. Don’t worry. I’ll avoid killing you until the last possible moment.

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  12. Don’t forget indoor plumbing and cold drinks. I’m also glad I’m not the only one who would miss new books!

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    • Yeah, Imma gonna haveta fix the plumbing problem toot-sweet — pit toilets scare the bejeezus outta me! And I’ve got the old “put the canteen in a cold stream” approach for cold drinks… just be sure to wash the plague off the mouthpiece!

      Like

  13. I am living this nightmare right now… Being without vehicle right now creates a dependency that makes you feel very child like.

    If we go back to this as a way of life, I will be lookin for muthafukin Doc Brown, as I am not doin it again.

    Like

  14. I hope we’re never spotted wearing similarly styled potato sacks. Embarrassing.

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  15. Good work. Keep it flowing… 🙂

    Like

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