‘Til it’s gone, ya know. And since my poor car is currently on the list of things that are gone (damn transmission!), I thought I’d offer y’all a little gem I made up for The Book of Face ages ago (reworked slightly, of course!). I present:
THINGS I WILL MISS WHEN THE WORLD GOES TO HELL
- Central Heat may in fact be the thing I miss absolutely the most. I freakin’ HATE to be cold and a fire just don’t cut it.
- Liquor/wine/beer I don’t have to make for myself. Check out my high school chemistry grades if you think me trying my hand at moonshinin’ won’t end in blood.
- This one got tooken from me already (thanks, pancreas!): The freedom to eat whatever I want, whenever I want. Still, I figure I’ll look back at chicken and rice FONDLY when all there is to eat is looter-meat.
- Being able to go places . Walking sucks and horses can be assholes, so it’s really not worth it.
- Water I don’t have to boil or filter… wait, I live in Wes’BYGAWD Virginny, I don’t have that NOW. How about, water I don’t have to CARRY?
- Hate to say it, but I will miss the hell outta TV. Oh, idiot box, we hardly knew ye.
- Books, especially new books. Stephen King ain’t gonna be cranking out the next bestseller when the crops need a-sowin’.
- The ease of communication. Even with Kevin Costner delivering the mail, he still can’t beat the phone and the interwebz.
- STORES! Much as I hate to shop, if I need a new outfit, I go out and buy it. If Laura Ingalls wanted a new outfit, she freakin’ MADE IT. Suffice it to say, when the End Times come I’ll be wearing a potato sack.
- Meat I don’t have to catch, raise or kill.
- Antibiotics — sometimes you really gotta hand it to the White Man’s Medicine.
- Strangely enough, the government. It was nice having someone to blame.
- The ability to be SURPRISED by the weather (“well, hot damn, it’s snowin’!”). An agrarian society won’t have that luxury.
- Speaking of luxuries, how about safety, security and just general fuckin’ around time… say bye-bye to all that!
- Toilet paper, and while I’m at it, Kotex… and while I’m at THAT, Monistat.
- PAPER… FUCKING… TOWELS. You think it’s funny, but you know how pissed off you get when you’re out? Now imagine that’s FOREVER.
- Music I don’t have to make myself. All I play is clarinet, and that badly.
- Vitamin tablets. Gonna get the scurvy.
And because I couldn’t leave y’all without some serious deep thoughts to ponder all weekend..
19. The way it feels to live your life NOT having ever had to kill someone.
20. The ineffable luxury of being able to feel pity.
So that’s it — time to get one of those Australian dogs and attach knives to our hubcaps. THUNDERDOME!!!!!!!!!!!