No Worries, My Pretties!

After another round of  pancreagoraphobia (the fear of taking my pancreas out in public), I have returned (and BTW, I would never abandon the blog for teh Twitter, it’s just too hard to write my ass-long posts on my phone!).  So all I’ve been hearing on the news is this damn birth control thing… and Imma gonna weigh in.

Honestly?  I don’t give a hot steaming crap what any man thinks about contraceptives or abortion.  As I mentioned on Twitter, “No Vag, No Vote.”  And that includes the President, the Pope, and even my own dear Chuckweasel.  I’ll listen to their opinions the day they get knocked up.

But wait, there’s more!  I not only want health insurance to pay for the Pill, I’ve worked out a few extra deductions we need to get into the tax code.  We’ll call these “Lady Money” on your Form 1040.

First and foremost, any and all money spent on birth control and/or abortion should be 100-percent deductible.  After all, 18 years worth of deuctions for a kid would cost Uncle Sam MORE money, so we’re basically saving the government some cash.  Also, think of the welfare/healthcare/whatnot dollars that go toward many pregnancies that weren’t “planned” — I rest my case.

(and no telling me men buy condoms, too — we all know no woman with half a brain would trust you to do that on your own!)

Secondly, every woman of childbearing age gets a deduction for 12 packs of Tampax or Kotex or whatever per year.  (After menopause, this deduction can be used for hormones or bail money.)  Men NEVER have to worry about pads and such, so this is an unfair expense on only ONE gender.

You know what else men don’t buy?  Bras and pantyhose and makeup (Drag Queens, please attach Form RuPaul).  So we will need a Lady Money deduction for that.  In fact, men spend a lot less on clothing, shoes, etc., so we’re gonna need to work out some kind of clothing allowance.  And rebates for haircuts.

Other deductions pending include, but are not limited to:

A.  One (1) new purse each season, reimbursed up to a certain dollar amount.  Same for shoes.

B.  Two (2) “special occasions” dresses per year (all accessories included), reimbursed up to 50 percent of a predetermined limit.

C.  Chocolate and wine allowance.

Oh, and cats totally count as dependents.

Anything else?



Filed under Chuckweasel, GENIUS!, I Rule You

40 responses to “No Worries, My Pretties!

  1. Yep. Not to get all serious up in here, but there’s a theory that half of women’s products were invented for no other reason than to have something women can spend money on – thereby ensuring their economic inferiority to men.

    Wamp wamp. That wouldn’t apply to the fem products obvi, but the makeup and jewelry and tons of shoes…..


    • This correlates to something that DSM and I have noticed — gay MALE couples always have shitpots of disposable income, while lesbian couples are always flat-ass broke. NOT FAIR!


  2. Goes without saying that if men either gave birth or had periods, the first would result in a drastically lower population and the second to a cure.
    And if it goes without saying why the fuck did I say it? Because that’s just the way I roll. Are we saying “the way I roll” anymore?


  3. Dear Sweet Mama

    I am so proud of my daughter, the tax genius. Send these thoughts to your congressmen or women (still not enough of them) and we shall see some equity in the world. I like the bail money for meopause. Could we also add gun fees and ammunition deductions?


    • Gonna have to work on the gun-reimbursement plan — it’ll probably end up like the 1-purse-per-season rule. As for the ammo, I’m in talks with that company who delivers incontinence pants to your door, you know, 2 birds, one stone.


  4. I love you.

    I also want to see supposedly “in-patient procedures” come with pain relievers. Dead serious, I had a hell of a painful procedure over two weeks ago and am still traumatized by the way I was treated. I do not believe a man would’ve received the treatment I did without a painkiller. Honestly, I’m still pissed. And because of the nature of it, it was my third such procedure in less than a year (although it was by far the worst) and it needs to happen again in six months. I told my doctor that there will be changes made and he mentioned Advil. WHAT?! I swear, I’ll buy codeine off the internet if I have to.

    Ack. Rant over!!



    • amen, sistah! this is yet another good reasons to make friends in Canada… I had the same fight withthe idiot who removed a cyst from my upper thigh and told me anyway”Tylenol should cover it.” Yeah, thanks, Dr Dick, Jack Daniels is always on call!


    • So I’m not the only one who’s noticed that “This is going to pinch a bit,” is doctor-speak for “This is going to hurt like a motherfucker and I’m not even going to give you a stick to bite on”?


      • That’s why I started going to female GYN’s… at least they say “You know this is gonna really suck.” Of course, then I found out I could thoroughly embarrass my family doctor by telling him I left my cervix in my other pants, so now he’s the lucky one!


  5. I love you. You are a genius. Please run for President.


  6. Seriously! No clothing deductions for men, a once every ten year slight change in lapelwidth is nothing compared to what society expects from us?! Lets add a vasectomy deduction, too.


  7. I have been supporting the “Government Subsidy of Feminine Hygiene Products” lobby for years. They haven’t been getting anywhere, and I think they need a new spokesperson. I vote YOU.

    Also, did you see that Oklahoma passed a personhood amendment? That means that “hormonal” and “post fertilization” contraceptives (such as the pill, the IUD, etc), are technically illegal. While this really pisses me off, it also gives me an excuse not to travel to OK for work because I’m “technically illegal in that state”.


  8. Word.

    Glad you are feeling better. Keep on keepin’ on, baby.

    Tell that pancreas to behave. Use Austin Powers affectation if needed. So it knows you are serious.


  9. I think you should rally the Sisterhood to see that any man that supports these ridiculous, draconian restrictions to women’s health, never gets laid until he butts the eff out it. “No Vag… No Vote” would make a great bumper sticker for the cause.


  10. Jen

    Just make sure you don’t get your pill from Pfizer. That is some scary shit, yo.


  11. I think it’s okay if people don’t have a vag, but still vote. Just make them pass a 1″ kidney stone (in lieu of childbirth), punch them in the kidneys every five minutes for a week–no sick days allowed (in lieu of cramps). And cut their pay by a third, of course.


  12. You had me at “No Vag, No Vote.” Mwah!


  13. I totally agree with your no vag, no vote idea. I would take it a step more, though, and say that if you are against this, then you must sign up for forced adoption of said infant who has been born to crack smoking parents who just don’t give a rat’s ass.

    I never understood all of the arguments against birth control. I am totally pro choice, though I wouldn’t make the choice for myself (I would keep the baby, but since I lack a uterus, this is nothing I really need to worry about), but seriously, birth control? Are we a Catholic nation? No, we are not.

    Ooo so now you’ve got me going. So you’ve always got all these conservative politicians making up lies to service the populist populace and get themselves elected, right? I’m thinking of Newt’s whole falsified diatribe about how government employees supposedly are not allowed to say “Merry Christmas” and shit.

    The thing is, I am willing to bet that in the majority of places, like the place I grew up in, where sex ed is not allowed to include condom education (because it encourages sex and also because the only way to not get HIV is through abstinence), you have a lot of people who are really, really stupid about how stuff happens.

    Like the people who think that if you don’t ejaculate you can’t get STDs, or that you can catch STDs if you get some on yourself.

    Anyway. Maybe you could lie to those people and just tell them that you can get AIDS from door knobs (most of them think that, anyway) BUT that the pill prevents that.

    Of course you’d have to tell them that only women have to take the pill, because only women can spread AIDS, unless they’re gay, of course, in which case ALL gay people have AIDS and if women all take the pill they will neutralize the AIDS on doorknobs.

    Huh? Huh?


    • how about everybody take a fucking pill every day — mine can be birth control, theirs can fix their stupid? Oh, shit, there’s no pill for that…and gay doorknobs are one of the biggest threat to traditional marriage, you know.


  14. I’ve been so beaten down by politics lately that I went to the library today, saw a whole shelf of conservative dog whistle books in the “New Nonfiction” section, and only barely restrained myself from taking them down and tearing out pages.

    Here’s all I ask — cover my medical stuff. Trust I can make decisions for myself. THEN LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. I’m not asking for much — just a shred of human decency, but apparently we’ve elected the V and they’re incapable of that.


    • at least the V wouldn’t make the unplanned pregnancy girls keep the unwanted babies! They’d just eat ’em! And it used to really piss me off when I was in college (and Newt was Speaker, hmmm…) when it seemed like the Right was all up in my genitals yet I STILL couldn’t get laid!


  15. Please run for President. I will be your campaign manager. For free.


  16. Of course cats are dependents. That’s why I claim Teva and Isabel every year on my taxes. I’m not sure why I’m always being audited.


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