C’est Vrai, You STILL Suck

Sorry to have done the dip on y’all again, but apparently pancreatitis + agoraphobia + anxiety = FUCK! CAN’T LEAVE THE HOUSE!  But it actually works out well for you guys, because as the old salts sing:

“What do you do with a fucked-up Hoody?

What do you do with a fucked-up Hoody?

What do you do with a fucked-up Hoody?

Er-lye in the mornin’?

Put her on the couch and watch some TV

Put her on the couch and watch some TV

Put her on the couch and watch some TV

‘Til that bitch gets better.”

Which brings us to the latest installment of… C’est Vrai, You Suck.

THE QUESTION:  Should one’s significant other be jealous of one’s posts on the Facebook pages of actors who play characters one enjoys?

POSITION ONE:  Actors are real people and therefore it’s just like flirting with real people.  Not cool.

POSITION TWO:  Posting on an actor’s FB is basically expressing one’s appreciation for the work they do on a specific movie/show/etc.  Plus, who DOESN’T wanna start the day by reading that people think he’s “so damn fine?”

Defense Exhibit A:  Eric Northman AKA Alexander Skarsgard

“Eric” is hot.  The whole asshole, don’t give a shit vampire thing, mmm-hmm.  But as we all learned last season, Pussy-Amnesiac-No-Longer-a-Badass Eric is most assuredly NOT hot, so it’s definitely the CHARACTER, not the packaging alone.  Plus, have you seen his father?  Scary magic-mirror into the future for poor Alex!

Defense Exhibit B: Tyrion Lannister AKA Peter Dinklage

Number one, I had to look that actor’s name UP, so settle dawn naw.  Also… ummm… MIDGET!  Without the snarky CHARACTER, it’s like setting up Tippi Hedron on a blind date with Big Bird!

Defense Exhibit C:  Captain Jack Sparrow AKA Johnny Depp

Seriously, it’s all about the makeup.  Just like Chakote from “Voyager” and the tattooed-desert-nomad-dude from “The Mummy Returns” — The tattoos aren’t real and neither are those people!

Which brings us to…

Defense Exhibit D:  Detective Dyson AKA Kris Holden-Reid

Firstly, I don’t even know the CHARACTER”S first name, that’s how much I’m actually listening when he talks!  Also, he’s Canadian and (sorry to some of my friends from the frozen North) their bacon is HAM.  Cannot deal with that.  Plus he’s a fencer, which is hot in theory, but the last time I fenced with a guy in reality he got all makko and wanted to prove something so bad he took the safety tip off his foil and gave me a scar I still have to this day (it’s hidden by boobs, but still).

But MOST IMPORTANTLY?  I only really like him when he does the snarly-fae-thing… so unless his SFX crew follows him around, it’s not gonna work.

Place your verdicts in the comments — and don’t miss tomorrow’s episode, tentatively titled, “WTF??? Megan Fox???”

P.S.: I also have to give an extra-special shout-out of gratitude to Portlandia Jen, who really helped talk me off the goddamned ledge this weekend when things were at their most fucked up.  Love you, girl — you had me at hello.