C’est Vrai, You STILL Suck

Sorry to have done the dip on y’all again, but apparently pancreatitis + agoraphobia + anxiety = FUCK! CAN’T LEAVE THE HOUSE!  But it actually works out well for you guys, because as the old salts sing:

“What do you do with a fucked-up Hoody?

What do you do with a fucked-up Hoody?

What do you do with a fucked-up Hoody?

Er-lye in the mornin’?

Put her on the couch and watch some TV

Put her on the couch and watch some TV

Put her on the couch and watch some TV

‘Til that bitch gets better.”

Which brings us to the latest installment of… C’est Vrai, You Suck.

THE QUESTION:  Should one’s significant other be jealous of one’s posts on the Facebook pages of actors who play characters one enjoys?

POSITION ONE:  Actors are real people and therefore it’s just like flirting with real people.  Not cool.

POSITION TWO:  Posting on an actor’s FB is basically expressing one’s appreciation for the work they do on a specific movie/show/etc.  Plus, who DOESN’T wanna start the day by reading that people think he’s “so damn fine?”

Defense Exhibit A:  Eric Northman AKA Alexander Skarsgard

“Eric” is hot.  The whole asshole, don’t give a shit vampire thing, mmm-hmm.  But as we all learned last season, Pussy-Amnesiac-No-Longer-a-Badass Eric is most assuredly NOT hot, so it’s definitely the CHARACTER, not the packaging alone.  Plus, have you seen his father?  Scary magic-mirror into the future for poor Alex!

Defense Exhibit B: Tyrion Lannister AKA Peter Dinklage

Number one, I had to look that actor’s name UP, so settle dawn naw.  Also… ummm… MIDGET!  Without the snarky CHARACTER, it’s like setting up Tippi Hedron on a blind date with Big Bird!

Defense Exhibit C:  Captain Jack Sparrow AKA Johnny Depp

Seriously, it’s all about the makeup.  Just like Chakote from “Voyager” and the tattooed-desert-nomad-dude from “The Mummy Returns” — The tattoos aren’t real and neither are those people!

Which brings us to…

Defense Exhibit D:  Detective Dyson AKA Kris Holden-Reid

Firstly, I don’t even know the CHARACTER”S first name, that’s how much I’m actually listening when he talks!  Also, he’s Canadian and (sorry to some of my friends from the frozen North) their bacon is HAM.  Cannot deal with that.  Plus he’s a fencer, which is hot in theory, but the last time I fenced with a guy in reality he got all makko and wanted to prove something so bad he took the safety tip off his foil and gave me a scar I still have to this day (it’s hidden by boobs, but still).

But MOST IMPORTANTLY?  I only really like him when he does the snarly-fae-thing… so unless his SFX crew follows him around, it’s not gonna work.

Place your verdicts in the comments — and don’t miss tomorrow’s episode, tentatively titled, “WTF??? Megan Fox???”

P.S.: I also have to give an extra-special shout-out of gratitude to Portlandia Jen, who really helped talk me off the goddamned ledge this weekend when things were at their most fucked up Love you, girl — you had me at hello.

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47 Comments

Filed under At the Movies, C'est Vrai You Suck, Chuckweasel, Getchore LEARN on!, I Rule You

47 responses to “C’est Vrai, You STILL Suck

  1. I know this wasn’t really the posts focus, but can we hear more about your fencing dates? Thats not your average dinner and a poke!

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  2. Sorry your afflictions are getting you down. That seems to be going around a lot.

    I can’t really pass judgment. I hardly ever get all worked up over actors or the characters they portray. Although that little Reed fella on Criminal Intent was a cutie before he cite his hair all off.

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  3. Dear Sweet Mama

    Well, as the Concubine and I have agreed we get a slide on Johnny Depp if he shows up at the door as Cap’n Jack or the guy from Chocolat – and will probably fight over him. Imma of the version – dude, they ain’t real. But, as Jimmy Carter would say, you did do the lusting in your heart which is also bad as according to Patsy Cline. So, I don’t know. Just don’t be in my way if Cap’n Jack shows up.

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  4. Dear Sweet Mama

    By the way = good to know you are out of the house again and that makes it a beautiful day, plus a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Off to catch the train to go to Westminster and cheer on the doxies. Dogs, that is, not Elizabethan whores.

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  5. A Reader

    Glad you’re feeling better

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  6. Jen said you were dealing with some stuff. I was gonna email you and then the weekend just got away from me. I’m glad you are better. I was worried.

    As to the post . . . you had me until Johnny Depp. See, Cap’n Jack doesn’t really do anything for me. Something about a guy wearing massively more eyeliner than me. Meh. The real Johnny, on the other hand, rrrooowwwrrrrr. Yummy. Yeah, so apparently I would be in trouble. I plead Guilty (by way of insanity?).

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  7. I think, writing on their “character” page on facebook is fine. Tracking down their REAL page and posting your love all over it – apart from being creepy is kind of rude to your SO – just sayin’

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  8. I talk about my celebrity crushes on the Twitters. Every single time I do, I forget that my husband reads my feed. He looks over at me and says, “So, you think LL Cool J is hot?” and I’m all like, “What are you, blind and retarded? Yes, he’s hot.” Then I think, “I really need to watch what I put out there.” And ten minutes later, I’m talking about Nathan Fillion. I guess I’ll never learn. But back to your quandary: no, your significant other should not be jealous of your posting on a celebrity or character’s Facebook page. I mean, you’re awesome and all, but none of those peeps are gonna be all, “Oh, Hoody, you’re the jelly to my peanut butter. *le sigh* Imma find you and suck on your toes.”

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  9. What the hell, moderation?! I put French (sort of) and mentioned foot fetish (totally) in my reply to your post that had French in the title. Doesn’t that automatically push my super-cool comment through? Sheesh. I mean, really! French foot fetish = awesome! *jazz hands*

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  10. One’s significant other should NOT be jealous. Maybe the best solution is to each come up with a list of five names of celebrities its okay to sleep with and put them on a laminated card? You know, then the SO only has to worry about those five, not all the ones you’re facebook stalking.

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  11. The Squeeze and I solved this issue by agreeing that there are some celebrities that, if we should have the opportunity, would be a freebie for knockin’ boots with. Strangely enough, Patrick Stewart and Helen Mirren made both our lists.

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  12. Celebrities are free to flirt with, and if it comes down to it, free to make mad sweet love with. I don’t care. You live life once, might as well live it as a celeb whore.

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  13. Barb

    I was gonna comment about the flirting but now all I can think about is Oded Fehr <—- hot tattooed desert guy with the goatee from Mummy Returns. *drool*

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  14. Feel better!

    I love Johnny Depp…real or characters.

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  15. You were not a ‘horrible’ fencing student…so how did you let someone do that to you? And did you “Carlos” them upside the head?

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  16. Jo

    Hoody, I’m so sorry that things have been difficult. I sure hope they are beginning to improve.

    And tell your mama that if she ever goes to watch Elizabethan whores, I wanna go, too.

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  17. Jen

    I love you more, Hoody, and I am A-L-W-A-Y-S there for you. I don’t care if you wake my sorry ass up calling from some ungodly hour in By Gawd West Virginny; that’s what I’m here for, my Sister. ❤ ❤ ❤

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  18. Stalking characters = perfectly fine
    Stalking actors = very creepy
    I know this because I have a list of obsessions a mile long….I’m the expert. Current obsession is Geoff Stults on The Finder. I want to have annoying frat boy sex with him.

    I think we need to plan a field trip to see the Elizabethan whores. Best reason to beat agoraphobia EVER.

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    • Why is there so much interest in whores? Oh, yeah, ‘cuz this is MY blog…

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      • Dear Sweet Mama

        May be your blog – but the Elizabethan whores iz my idea!! Do you think we could start a theme park? Definitely the huge ass turkey legs in ye olde foode court. What other type of activities could we have? Whack a churl? Definitely jousting. Lots of drinking and eating. Competition dancing in tights and farthingales?

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  19. I had clever things to say. They’ve been pushed out of my head by doxies.

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